You have my word joke

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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office…

Idioms browser
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• ▲
• You eat with that mouth?
• you first
• you gals
• you get (a lot) more with a kind word and a gun…
• you get (back) what you give
• you get what you pay for
• You give up too easy
• you give up too easy/easily
• You go, girl!
• You got it!
• you got me beat
• You got me there
• You got that?
• You got to do what you got to do
• you guys
• You guys bitchin’?
• You had better believe it!
• you had me at (something)
• you had me worried
• you had one job
• you had to be there
• you had to have been there
• you have (got) to laugh
• you have got to be kidding (me)
• you have made your bed and must lie in it
• You have my word.
• you have no idea
• you have no idea…
• you have to (learn to) crawl before you (can) walk
• you have to (learn to) walk before you (can) run
• you have to be cruel to be kind
• you have to break eggs to make an omelet
• you have to do what you have to do
• you have to eat a peck of dirt before you die
• you have to hand it to someone
• you have to laugh
• You have to see it to believe it.
• you haven’t lived
• you hear me?
• You heard
• you heard (one)
• you heard the lady
• you heard the man
• you heel
• you just don’t get it
• You just don’t get it!
• you just had to (go and) (do something)
• you kiss your momma with that mouth?
• you know
• you know as well as I do
• you know it
• ▼

Full browser
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• ▲
• you have minced words
• you have minded the store
• you have minded your own business
• you have minded your p’s and q’s
• you have missed the boat
• you have missed the bus
• you have missed the forest for the trees
• you have missed your guess
• you have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit
• you have mixed feelings
• you have moonlighted
• you have more arrows left in the quiver
• you have more elbow room
• you have mounted a resistance
• you have moved a mile a minute
• you have moved at a glacial pace
• you have moved at break-neck speed
• you have moved heaven and earth
• you have moved in the right circles
• you have moved into high gear
• you have moved like a herd of turtles
• you have moved off campus
• you have moved off the dime
• you have moved off to the side
• you have moved out of earshot
• you have moved the chains
• you have moved the needle
• you have moved within earshot
• You Have My Acronym On It
• you have my word
• You have my word.
• you have nailed a suspect
• you have nailed the hammer on the head
• you have nailed the suspect
• you have narrowed the gap
• you have needed a firm hand
• you have needed a fix
• you have needed a fix of
• you have needed a fix of it
• you have needed a fix of something
• you have needed a hand
• you have needed a shoulder to cry on
• you have needed about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed it about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed it as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed it like a hole in the head
• you have needed like a hole in the head
• you have needed no introduction
• you have needed something about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed something as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed something like a hole in the head
• you have needed that about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed that as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed that like a hole in the head
• you have needed them about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed them as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed them like a hole in the head
• you have needed those about as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed those as much as a hole in the head
• you have needed those like a hole in the head
• ▼

Yesterday, my wife tried to apply at the post office, but they didn’t letter.

They said only mails work here.

A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’

Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

It seems that Dark Phoenix is doomed to fail at the box office.

I guess it’s in her Jean’s.

To the person who stole my authentic and original copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you and I will kill you

You have my word.

A man walks into a psychiatrists office. He’s completely naked and wrapped in cling film.

The psychiatrist says «I can clearly see your nuts!»

People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong

but I’m totally cool with it

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. It points a wing at the man behind the desk and says with a frown:

«Quack»

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you and I will find you

You have my word.

This happened at a meeting with my boss:

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it!

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

A man calls the IRS office

«Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you’ve written it as cyirwu.»

«I’m sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?»

«Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you.»

After years of studying, a physics student comes rushing into Einstein’s office shouting…

«Professor, Professor, I think I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!»

Einstein rolls his eyes

«It’s about time!»

A guy’s boss who is traveling calls him and asks, «Is everything okay at the office?»

«Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.»

«Can you do me a favor?»

«Of course, what is it?»

«Hurry up and take your shot, I’m behind you on the 7th hole.»

I’m going to the Halloween party at my office today as President Hillary Clinton

I’m not going to show up.

I got called into my boss’s office for a bad billboard I created

It wasn’t a good sign

I rang a local escort agency and asked for a BJ….

She put me through to their head office

I was at an office party last night.

They played the Twist and I twisted, they played Jump Around and I jumped around. Unfortunately, I was asked to leave when they played Come on Eileen

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I’m so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Went to the doctors office today, turns out I’m colorblind…

The diagnosis really came out of the green.

It wasn’t easy for a group of hobbits to see their dead friend at the coroner’s office.

Because one does not simply walk in the morgue door.

To the man who stole my Microsoft Office, I’m going to find you…..

….you have my WORD.

I call my toilet the oval office..

It’s got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.

Microsoft

Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?

Me : I excel at it

Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?

Me : word

A shrinking man rushes to the doctor’s office.

The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas «Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I’m shrinking!»

Then the doctor replies, «well then you’ll just have to be a little patient.»

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don’t think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

A guy walks into his psychiatrist’s office

The guy’s wearing only plastic wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, «I can see your nuts.»

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They’re hiring.

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face…

Doctor says, “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
The tumor says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.

—
You have my Word!

Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he’s had to use some alternative fax.

A woman is at the doctor’s office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, «You appear to have vasovagal syncope.»
She fainted.

James Bond gets called into M’s office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Question: Can the President fire the Director of the FBI?

Yes, of course. If he can put Trump in office, President Putin can certainly fire Comey too.

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?

I can clearly see you’re nuts.

I walked into my psychiatrist’s office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear…

The doctor took one look at me and said, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

United’s Service Has Really Gone Downhill

Just 16 yrs ago they flew you right to your office.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and exclaims «I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam! I’m a teepee! I’m a wigwam!»

Psychiatrist says «Calm down! You’re two tents!»

What do you call President Trump, unconscious on the floor of the Oval Office?

Not an ambulance.

Boss: How good are you with spreadsheets?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

Why do feminists hate the Post Office?

Cos it’s a mail-dominated industry.

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear

And the doctor says, «Well I can clearly see your nuts.»

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don’t get it, consider you’re grammar lessons!)

This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office.

Good luck with that, lady. I don’t even work here.

A man rushed into the doctors office shouting

«Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!» He said.

The doctor calmly replied, «Now settle down, you’ll just have to be a little patient»

You stole my Microsoft office…

For that you will pay, you have my word.

We didn’t elect Harambe for president

But we still got a gorilla in office

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.

Man: Doctor, I think I’m crazy.

Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says «Eye care for you»

Why is christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we’d really have a Kenyan in office.

People were so scared of those vicious clowns a few months back,

then they accidentally put one in office

If Trump divorces Melania while in office…

Will she rule half the country?

Strange trend at my office…

People are naming food in the break room refrigerator. Today I ate a sandwich named «Kevin».

Why should you avoid being stuck behind the devil in the line at the post office?

Because he has many forms

We got a new whiteboard at the office today…

It’s remarkable!

A nude man walks into a doctor’s office.

A nude man walks into a doctor’s office wrapped in Cellophane from head to toe.

The doctor says, «Well, clearly I can see your nuts.»

Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?

Word to your mother.

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:

«Quack!»

A man walks into a dentist’s office and says «Doctor, you have to help me! I think I’m a moth!»

The dentist says, «I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall.»

And the man replies, «Yeah, but your light was on.»

Heard this from my History Professor.

Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

What begins with P and ends with E and has thousands of letters in it?

Post Office