“We don’t talk anymore!” shouted my wife, Cindy.
“That’s ridiculous,” I said. “We talk all the time!”
“But not about what we need to talk about. What’s important to me. What’s important for us!”
“Then drive with me to my softball game. If it’s that big of a deal, you can talk to me on the way to the game about anything you want.”
But Cindy wouldn’t go to that game. Soon after, she wouldn’t go to any of my games.
I was convinced she was just emotional or intentionally not explaining what she meant. She seemed convinced that I simply didn’t care about her or anything she had to say.
That was the level of communication in our first year of marriage. We talked about how we needed to communicate with each other — all the time. But we never connected. Cindy became more and more hurt and lonely. And I grew more and more angry and lonely.
And then the day came when things blew up — but in an amazing way. On that day, Cindy used a powerful communication tool, a word picture, to change my life … and our marriage.
The story that made the difference
One morning, after another night of frustration with each other, I walked into the kitchen and noticed a book on my breakfast plate. It was my thick Advanced Psychopathology textbook.
“So what’s this?” I picked up the book off my plate. “This is breakfast?” I said, barely concealing my contempt.
“No,” Cindy said. “That’s me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You know how last semester you were taking this class?” she asked. “You were reading this book and taking notes on it almost every night? You really dug into it, trying to learn all that was there. Not just for a test, but because it might help you help someone someday.”
I nodded tentatively.
“And what’s happened to that book now that you’ve passed the course, now that you’re on to another semester?”
She didn’t have to say. I was using it as a doorstop in my study.
Cindy looked me in the eye. “You tossed it aside,” she said. “You don’t pick it up anymore. It’s not important to you now.”
And then without waiting for my response, she added, “That book represents the way you’ve treated me ever since we got married. When we were dating, you couldn’t wait to pick me up. To read every page. To talk and act like I was important to your future.”
I looked at the textbook in my hands, thankful I had something to look at besides her disappointed expression.
“But now we’re married.” She pointed to her wedding ring. “And you’ve moved on to another semester. I’m like that book holding open your door while you walk in and do all the things that are truly important to you. I’m just not one of them.”
I didn’t just hear her words. I felt them. Cindy had said similar things using everyday words a hundred times before. But even when she would end our conversations with tears, it didn’t emotionally move me.
Then she used a word picture — the right one for me — and I not only got it, but it also stopped me in my tracks and turned my heart a different direction.
What Cindy had done without realizing it was what biblical communicators from King David to Jesus to the apostle Peter did all the time. She used a picture to carry the message of her words.
An emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or object to simultaneously activate the emotions and intellect of the listener. In so doing, the listener experiences your words, not just hears them. In short, when you use a word picture to communicate what you’re trying to convey, it can go right through your spouse’s defenses and straight into his or her heart.
Five steps to creating emotional word pictures
Many people have a similar reaction when considering the use of word pictures: Wait a minute; I’m not creative! It would take a miracle for me to come up with a story that works. Actually, you don’t need to worry about how creative you are. You’ve been hearing and using word pictures for years.
Every time you sing the national anthem, you’re singing word pictures. Before every ball game and school function, Francis Scott Key paints vivid patriotic pictures with lyrics such as “the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air.” And if you’ve ever listened to a country music station — accidentally or on purpose — you’ve heard nonstop word pictures, including things like “I don’t mind the thorns if you’re the rose” and “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue?”
I would love to sit at your kitchen table, join you for coffee and help you create an emotional word picture. But until that day happens, this article is the next best thing. So here are five steps to show how you can take communication with your spouse from average to life-changing:
1. Establish a clear purpose.
To create effective word pictures, you must begin with an important preparatory step: deciding how you want to enrich your relationship. Do you want your words to clarify thoughts and feelings, move you to a deeper level of intimacy, praise or encourage your spouse or lovingly correct him or her? Having a clear purpose in mind is like making a grocery list before you go shopping. The list improves your chances of coming home with what you need.
2. Carefully consider your spouse’s experiences and interests.
The word picture the prophet Nathan used in exposing and redirecting King David’s life (2 Samuel 12) showed an intimate understanding of David’s background and interests. Nathan chose a story that tapped into David’s experience as a shepherd and a defender of his people.
If you’re newly married, discovering the topics your spouse is most passionate about may take some detective work. But even the most hard-core couch potatoes give you clues about their lives. Your husband or wife may be a person whose problem behavior can be short-circuited by linking your word picture with his or her favorite television program.
Think about your spouse’s past, but don’t neglect the present. Discover what he enjoyed as a child; what she hates as an adult; the sports, hobbies, food or music he prefers; the car she drives and how she maintains it; what he does for recreation; and what motivates her to work overtime.
Learn enough about the person’s world to understand what makes his good days good and bad days terrible. If she works at home, what are her needs and frustrations? If he works outside, what does he do during lunch breaks?
3. Rehearse your story.
Over the years, I’ve learned that practice helps in many settings. Rehearsing your story can pay big dividends. Failing to practice can rob the word picture of its power.
I’m not suggesting you must write down all your word pictures in advance. I seldom ask a client to take the time in counseling and coaching to write down a word picture — unless it’s a situation where he or she really needs the words to count. In many situations, it’s not practical or even possible to write it all down. But time and again, I’ve seen tremendous benefits of thoroughly researching and carefully thinking through a story. And if you can, rough it out on paper before sharing it.
If a friend is a good communicator, ask if he or she will listen to your word picture. That can be scary, but remember you’ve picked someone who cares about you. He or she is not going to say, “That’s a stupid word picture!” Your friend is going to encourage you and perhaps even make some really good suggestions to improve it.
4. Pick a convenient time without distractions.
Choosing the right time and place to convey a word picture is key to its effectiveness. During the first night of a two-day marriage-enrichment conference where I was presenting, I briefly discussed emotional word pictures. The next morning, just before the opening session when I was to talk in detail about the concept, a woman stormed up to tell me my “wild idea” didn’t work.
“Why don’t you tell me exactly what happened?” I asked.
“Well, my husband was watching another of his dumb football games when I got home last night,” she began. “It was even a game he’d taped from the week before. I was so mad I thought up a word picture on the spot.”
As I listened to her story, I realized she didn’t understand any of the steps to creating word pictures — particularly this step, picking the right time and setting. She had merely become excited about the concept, loaded both barrels of her verbal shotgun and blasted away at her husband the second she walked in the door. She had conveyed her message at the worst possible moment — when her husband was trying to enjoy a ball game.
5. Try and try again.
In some cases, you may have to present more than one word picture before your spouse genuinely hears your thoughts and feelings. So, if your “perfect” word picture doesn’t work, don’t panic. Just try again.
Granted, it’s frustrating not to get instantaneous results when you use a word picture. But I’ve seen very few people who are so emotionally, mentally and spiritually callous that they cannot be reached by word pictures. I’ve also seen impossible cases — where a husband or wife has insisted his or her spouse was beyond hope — change dramatically.
Don’t be discouraged if you run into an occasional criticism, such as “What a dumb way to feel.” In almost every case, your loving patience and persistent efforts will enable you to reach new heights of communication with your spouse.
4 Places to Look for Word Picture Ideas
Word pictures can deeply affect your spouse, even changing his or her heart. But where do you come up with a story that will really work? Here are four key “search fields” you can go to anytime you need a powerful word picture:
Nature
Animals, weather, mountains, water and hundreds of other natural elements can provide the entrance ticket to another person’s heart.
Everyday objects
Look around the room you’re sitting in now. Using everyday objects to form a word picture may be just the thing that leaves a vivid, lasting impression in your spouse’s heart.
Stories you create
This is a source of word pictures that is limited only by a person’s imagination. People love to hear a story. It locks in the listener’s attention and leaves a lasting memory.
Shared history
This method has an important advantage — the ability to draw on a picture already lodged in a person’s memory. And by causing someone to remember a past event, the speaker also triggers vivid feelings that the listener experienced at that time.
— JT
Do you know of a marriage in crisis? Learn more about Focus on the Family’s marriage intensives by visiting HopeRestored.com.
Last Sunday morning, on my way to church, I rode on an Ayala-bound FX taxi from Countryside, Pasig where I live. While we were speeding along the stretch of C-5 in Pasig, the FX taxi driver, on two or three occasions, through his cellphone, engaged in lengthy conversations with a woman (presumably his wife judging from the topics of conversation).
The FX taxi was full of male and female passengers. I was seated in front beside the door, with a sleeping male passenger between me and the driver. Since the FX taxi driver was speaking in a loud voice (instead of trying to just whisper into his cellphone), everyone in the taxi could hear his dialogue with the woman at the other end of the line. At the end of each call, he would say sweetly, “Love you!”
I’m sure all the women passengers in the FX taxi were sighing and swooning over with emotion, hearing this macho driver saying, “Love you!” to his wife loud enough for everyone to hear. I’m doubly sure that the male passengers, on the other hand, were squirming in their seats, totally embarrassed by this FX taxi driver’s very public and loud display of affection.
And me?
I was holding on tightly to the hand rail above the front right door, and bracing both my feet hard against the floorboard. You see, it was raining a bit that morning, and the stretch of C-5 from the newly-opened SM Hypermart near Julia Vargas, the flyover in Bagong Ilog in Pasig, and the bridge marking the boundary between Pasig and Makati, was wet and a bit slippery. The love-struck FX taxi driver was holding his cellphone against his ear with his left hand, while holding on to the steering wheel with his right hand.
A simple miscalculation on the part of this amorous driver, a piece of rock on the road, a jaywalking pedestrian, another vehicle suddenly stopping or swerving, any of these things could have caused an accident. Despite the interesting conversation that I was hearing from the romantic FX taxi driver, all I could think of was, “So this is the way I’m going to die, on an FX taxi that gets sideswiped by other vehicles on C-5, or gets crumpled ramming a Meralco post, or jumps off the bridge at the Pasig-Makati boundary, hurtling all of us into the muddy waters of the Pasig River below, and the last words I will hear would be the amorous FX taxi driver’s ‘Love you!’ …”
What we have here is a failure to communicate …
Gary Smalley and John Trent, PhD, marriage counselors and popular seminar speakers in the US, have written a book entitled “The Language of Love” (copyright 1988; Published by Focus on the Family Publishing, California; distributed by Word Books). You can find copies of this book in Christian bookstores (OMF Lit, PCBS) or in National Bookstore branches. For the last 35 years, Smalley has spoken to over two million people in seminars.
(If you’d like to learn more about Smalley’]’s concepts, books and seminars, please surf over to his website www.garysmalley.com/. Dr. Trent’s website is http://www.strongfamilies.com/, and his blog is http://drjohntrent.wordpress.com/.)
Smalley and Trent, before discussing what their book is all about, point out the differences in the brain structures of men and women. These differences are responsible for all the miscommunication problems between men and women. Please surf over to my previous article “Do wives really want their husbands to share their thoughts and emotions with them?” where I discussed the differences between men and women.
(Other Christian authorities, like Martin and Deidre Bobgan, dispute Smalley and Trent’s “left brain — right brain” ideas. Please read with discernment anything that I recommend to you in this blog, okay?)
Word pictures for increasing insight, intimacy and understanding
In this book, Smalley and Trent present their concept of “emotional word pictures” as a communication tool for increasing insight, intimacy, and understanding between husbands and wives. At the outset, they say that “everyday words” are not enough. On page 9, they state their case for using emotional word pictures:
No matter who you are or what you do, you can’t escape the need to communicate meaningfully with others. And without exception, we all will run into the limitation of everyday expressions.
In a world awash with words, can we find a way to add new depth to what we say? Can a wife find a method to penetrate her husband’s natural defenses and get her point across so he will long remember it? Can a man express himself more vividly or say the same old thing in a brand new way? Can men and women say more by using fewer words?
To all the above, the answer is a resounding YES! Largely unused in marriage, homes, friendships, and businesses is a tool that can supercharge communications and change lives. This concept is as old as ancient kings but is so timeless that it has been used throughout the ages in every society. It’s a powerful communication method we call emotional word pictures.
Smalley and Trent, in page 17 of their book define emotional word pictures as “a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions an intellect of a person. In so doing, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them.” They add, “Whenever we need to communicate important communication with another person, word pictures can multiply the impact of our message.”
Five reasons why word pictures work
In pages 21 to 28, Smalley and Trent give five reasons why word pictures work effectively:
1. Word pictures have been time-tested by the world’s greatest communicators.
2. Word pictures grab and direct attention.
3. Word pictures bring communication to life.
4. Word pictures lock thoughts into our memory.
5. Word pictures provide a gateway to intimacy.
To support their thesis, Smalley and Trent cite the Old Testament story of the prophet Nathan confronting King David about his murder of Uriah and his adulterous affair with Bathsheba. Instead of directly accusing David, Nathan told him the story of a poor man whose sheep was stolen by a rich and powerful neighbor. The story appealed to David’s sense of justice reinforced by his background of being a shepherd in his youthful days. When he demanded to know who the covetous neighbor was to have him answer for his crime, Nathan then said, “You are the man!” As Psalms 51 tells us, David was reduced to tearful repentance and sorrow over his sins.
(If you’re a classic Literature buff, you would probably remember Shakespeare’s words in Hamlet, “The play’s the thing, to catch the conscience of the king.”)
Smalley and Trent also point to the Old Testament book of ”Song of Solomon” as a classic example of a man and woman using word pictures to communicate with one another. Consider for example, Chapter 4 of the book, where the bridegroom graphically, romantically describes each part of his lover’s body.
(If you want to understand “Song of Solomon” on the basic level of a husband and wife’s sexual relationship, I recommend to you the book “Romantic Lovers, The Intimate Marriage” by David and Carole Hocking, published by Harvest House Publishers.)
Examples of word pictures
In Chapter 16 of their book, Smalley and Trent have listed down some “101 life-tested word pictures” as a guide. Some of these examples are:
1. My husband treats me like a roomful of priceless antiques. He walks in, picks me up, and holds me with great care and tenderness. I often feel like I’m the most precious thing in our home. He saves the best hours and his best effort for me, not the television.
11. My wife’s love is like a huge glass of ice tea on a hot summer’s day. It’s cool and crisp and its refreshment restores my strength and quenches the thirst of dry, dusty soul.15. Life’s problems sometimes make me feel like the captain of a sinking ship. Often, the closer the ship gets to going under, the more those around me dive overboard and leave me to save the vessel by myself. I’m thankful to have a first mate who stays by my side no matter what. If it weren’t for her and the quite, gentle strength she always uses to encourage me, I would have given up and jumped overboard a long time ago.
Seven steps in creating emotional word pictures
Some of you might be thinking, that’s well and good for people who can write, for those with the natural talent or facility with language, for the AB English majors or those guys from Batangas or Bulacan with the natural flair for words and poetry. Well, in Chapters 5 and 6, Smalley and Trent discuss the seven steps in creating emotional word pictures. These are:
1. Establish a clear purpose.
2. Carefully study the other person’s interests.
3. Draw from the Four Inexhaustible Wells – the Well of Nature; the Well of Everyday Objects; the Well of Imaginary Stories; and the Well of “remember When”
4. Rehearse your story.
5. Pick a convenient time without distractions.
6. Try and try again.
7. Milk your word picture for all it’s worth.
On a personal note, around ten years ago, I wrote to a former high school student who told me that she was willing to be a doormat for her family, remain unmarried, and just serve the needs of her elderly parents, her brothers and sisters all her life. I wrote to her, and among other things, I told her:
Some people react to their fears by closing their hearts to all possibility of loving and being loved, scaring away, turning away anyone who even dares to come close … So what’s the answer? Maintaining an ice-cold veneer that will proclaim to the world that you don’t need anybody else?
Refusing to acknowledge that you need to love and be loved in return? Dumping your heart into a strongbox and throwing away all the keys? Burning all the drawbridges to your heart to isolate yourself from every possibility of being hurt and being disappointed?
Putting on an armor of emotional invincibility and sophistication, just laughing at the things that so concern other people, wondering why one person can get so all worked up about another person? Deny that you are emotionally affected even though a cold hand clutches your heart?
Well, well, well, I didn’t realize at that time that I was practicing Smalley and Trent’s emotional word pictures … Words (emotional word pictures even more so) do have power. As one modern translation of the Bible says, “Death and life are in the power of our words.” Or as the King James Version of Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
Marital tension will exist despite good communication skills
But it is a serious mistake to think that if we start and continue to use emotional word pictures to our spouses (or boyfriends and girlfriends), all of our communication problems or all marital tension would cease to exist. I think it was Dr. Larry Crabb who said (either from his book “Finding God” or from “The Marriage Builder”) that a lot of times, marital tension will exist despite the use by either or both spouses of good communication skills.
Why? Because men and women are fallen creatures, sinful by nature and by choice. Genesis 3:16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Reputable and fundamental Bible scholars tell us that the phrase “thy desire shall be to thy husband” does not refer to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband.
Rather, it refers to the perpetual conflict between a man and woman as the woman tries to wrest and maintain control of the relationship, which has been ordained for men. This interpretation is based, as these Bible scholars say, on the similarity of words and grammar of Genesis 3:16 and 4:7. The latter verse says, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.”
Moreover, it is wrong to believe that the Old Testament prophet Nathan’s use of «emotional word pictures» in confronting David was solely responsible for the latter’s turn of heart. The Bible says that men and women’s hearts are “deceitful above all things” and without God’s Holy Spirit convicting people of sin, no repentance is possible.
Nevertheless, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, will do well in learning from Smalley and Trent what emotional word pictures are, their power in increasing intimacy in a relationship and how to create such word pictures. The book is a little bit expensive but hey, what’s a little expense if you want a better relationship, right? Get the picture?
Well, well, well, word pictures. I wonder if that amorous FX taxi driver last Sunday had ever read Smalley and Trent’s book. I arrived safely in church last Sunday, but we could have met an accident because that love-struck driver was exchanging emotional word pictures rather than minding his driving. A simple miscalculation on the part of this amorous driver, a piece of rock on the road, a jaywalking pedestrian, another vehicle suddenly stopping or swerving, any of these things could have caused an accident.
I wonder, if ever I ride again on that FX taxi driven by that amorous driver and we meet an accident and we all die on that wet and slippery road, could someone please ask Congress to name that C-5 bridge between Pasig and Makati after me? “The Gerry T. Galacio Bridge of Sighs.” Now, that’s a word picture!
Quotes and visual pictures for relationship blog articles on Sistah’s Place2
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Behind the most beautiful eyes, lay secrets deeper and darker than the mysterious sea.
Allow God to be the matchmaker of your life because your feelings could fool you and your understanding is limited, but His is not. He knows what’s best for you and He’ll bring that man or woman along when the time is right.
Yea, I would say so! Glad you got to catch up on your sleep! I know you had to be exhausted!
Don’t settle. Wait for the man that is blown away by you the way no other woman on earth can make him feel. You’ll know it; you’ll see it in his eyes and feel it in his soul. — Graham White
If she wants you to be in his life, he’ll put you there. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.
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“A picture is worth a thousand words,” the saying goes. So it makes sense that word pictures can help you communicate more effectively with your husband. In their book, The Language of Love, Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent describe the communication style called “word pictures.”
An “emotional word picture” is defined as “a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person. In so doing, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them.” In simpler language, a word picture can help your husband better understand what you’re trying to say.
So instead of saying to your husband, “You hurt my feelings!” Try a word picture: “Do you remember how you felt when your baseball coach told you you’d never be a good hitter?” (Now your husband can call up those feelings via your word picture.) “That’s how I felt after you told me…”
So get creative for better communication. Here are 7 steps to creating a powerful word picture.
1. Establish a Clear Purpose.
Have clear in your mind what message you want to convey when creating your word picture. Do you want to clarify feelings, move to a deeper level of intimacy, encourage your husband, or lovingly correct him?
2. Carefully Study the Other Person’s Interests.
Know what interests your husband so that you can use an illustration that will best capture his attention.
3. Draw from Four Inexhaustible Wells.
If you are concerned about not being creative enough to form your own word picture, Smalley and Trent suggest four sources of inspiration: nature, everyday objects, imaginary stories, and your own experiences.
4. Rehearse Your Story.
While it’s not practical to write down or practice every word picture you use, Smalley and Trent do recommend thinking through your stories before using them.
5. Pick a Convenient Time without Distractions.
Choose a time to share your word picture with your husband when there aren’t distractions or time constraints. Know your spouse and when he will be most likely to be attentive to you.
6. Try and Try Again.
Smalley and Trent encourage readers to continue this communication method, even if it is not as effective as hoped the first time used.
7. Milk Your Word Picture for All It’s Worth!
Use a basic word picture to bring several levels of feelings to the surface. So use word pictures to reach your husband on a deeper emotional level. If you choose your words, and your word picture, wisely, you could see great results.
This article is based on the book, The Language of Love
, by Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent.
Have you ever tried a word picture to communicate with your husband?
“Being a CEO means keeping ten plates spinning at the same time. Hire people who help take some of those plates off your hands, not those who add more plates.”
“Having a third child while both parents work feels like you are drowning, only for someone to hand you a baby.”
“Our code is so intertwined that you flip a light switch on the fourth floor of Building 10, and a toilet flushes in Building 14.”
Think about what these statements all have in common: They are word pictures, and they hit you right in the gut. They make powerful statements by playing with the power of your imagination. You can picture each situation in your mind’s eye and experience it with your emotions.
When I was in college, I found a book in a room I had sublet for the summer. Published in 1988, The Language of Love, by Gary Smalley and John Trent, talked about how to communicate with your spouse through word pictures. This book completely transformed how I communicate, and the lessons I learned from it have stayed with me over the past two decades. It is rather dated now, but the concepts Smalley and Trent outlined are still applicable today, especially in the workplace, where they can help you make your point and convey your message with clarity. If you can illustrate your point of view using descriptive images rather than words, you can change the conversation and open up a new level of communication.
Word pictures can help you more easily achieve alignment. Think about it this way: When you describe a problem, people inevitably start debating you, point by point, in their own minds. By using an analogy to describe a scene or scenario, you can bring them along on your thought process and help them listen first, then debate second. This enables you to convey your point home in a more powerful way.
I once worked on a team where our product hit market fit all of a sudden and scaled rapidly. We were excited about the success, but there were fundamental weaknesses that only became evident as we grew. If we didn’t address them proactively, we would eventually hit a wall. I needed to get buy-in from the larger team to reduce feature work, which would allow us to focus on platform and integrity.
I started by saying, “We need to do more on the foundation,” only to realize that I wasn’t conveying the traction and sense of urgency we needed.
I gave it some thought and then decided to change tactics. I said to the team, “Right now we are building a skyscraper on a house’s foundation. We keep adding more floors, since we need room to grow, but we need to shore up the core before the cracks get bigger. Otherwise, we risk the whole thing crashing down.”
While the message was the same, the way I conveyed it was what finally made it resonate. The team responded, and together we reshuffled resources toward foundational work, rather than incremental features. By seeing our product aspiration as a skyscraper, they knew that the initial minimum viable product, our house, didn’t have a foundation to scale with us.
Sending a message is hard when it doesn’t feel like it is landing.
I once had this issue with someone new who joined to support our team. While he was a kind and hardworking person, there was something about his communication that wasn’t working, and he was having trouble connecting with our work and team. The issue only got worse over time. At one point, when I came back from leave, half of my leads told me that they no longer wanted to work with him.
I tried advising him on this, persuading my team to give him another chance, and pointing out ways to repair the relationship. But the hole just got deeper and deeper. My message was not landing, and there ultimately came to a point when I could no longer salvage the situation.
I knew another team wanted him, but he didn’t want to change roles. He struggled to see that we were at the end of the road. Finally, I told him, “I see you barely keeping your head above water, but I want to see you soar.”
When I said those words, I could see the relief in his eyes. He had soared previously, and he knew that he could again. He now understood that staying in his current role was only holding him back from moving on to something better.
After that conversation, he switched to a role that was more suited to his skills and style, getting a fresh start on a new team. By reframing my point using strong imagery, I was able to make an argument that connected on an emotional level, rather than an abstract one which helped him make his decision.
Sometimes living with a chronic illness or chronic pain is hard for others to understand. As I mentioned in my coaching post, I once went through a period when I had symphysis pubis dysfunction. This resulted in debilitating daily pain. I was fortunate in that there was a finite point (giving birth) that would end the agony, but until then, the pain overwhelmed me. It reached the point that it was making it difficult to function.
One day, after I had suffered for months, my husband asked me to grab something for him. We had two toddlers at the time, so his request was reasonable. However, I simply couldn’t physically make it across the room, and I felt frustrated that he didn’t understand why. I replied, “Every step I take feels like someone is taking a hot poker and stabbing me in the groin.”
I don’t think he really understood the magnitude of my pain until I said that, and from that moment on, he was way more empathetic to the difficulty I was having that limited me in so many ways.
My friend, Alexa, has been battling an unknown sickness that has been repeatedly misdiagnosed for several years. She has shared a lot of her journey on Facebook, and I’ve followed it, often feeling sympathy for her challenges. However, I struggled to really empathize with what she was going through until last week when she posted this incredible word picture:
“Living with [Myalgic Encephalomyelitis] is like living every day on a very limited energy budget. Before I got sick, I had an energy budget of $200 to spend every day. Now, my daily budget is $10.
Driving to the store and buying groceries costs $2
Reading costs $1/hour
Watching TV costs $0.50/hour
Cooking and cleaning up the kitchen costs $3
Working an 8-hour day costs $8 (assuming I take some breaks)
Driving for 30 minutes costs $3
Walking for 20 minutes costs $4
Taking a nap regenerates $1
Not getting a full night’s sleep can cost anywhere from $1-5
I can borrow ‘money,’ if I want or need to do a little more on a given day, but I must deduct it from tomorrow’s budget. If I borrow too much or too frequently, my bank account gets frozen and I crash (e.g. migraine, nausea).
My life has become a series of cost-benefit analyses. I am forced to ruthlessly prioritize my daily activities to fit within this budget. I say this not to garner pity, but because there’s a lesson to be learned here. I used to complain — A LOT — about all the things I had to do like work and errands. While these chores might feel like mundane tasks, there is so much beauty in the fact that we CAN do them. Try to feel a little gratitude that you’re capable of driving, cooking, walking, working, etc. To be able to do these things is such a gift — and one that I will never again take for granted.”
In reading Alexa’s words, I could feel myself budgeting and juggling alongside her. I could sense her fear of her budget running out if something happened, and I wondered what choices I would make under similar constraints. Alexa didn’t just explain that she was tired and had limited capacity; she illustrated her day-to-day reality using a poignant analogy.
The power of word pictures is that they are personal. They enable you to walk in the shoes of someone who is suffering. This creates empathy and understanding on a deeper and more meaningful level.
Word pictures can also be used to help you give feedback without triggering a defensive reaction in the other person. By using imagery to illustrate your feedback, you can frame it less as a personal indictment and more as a shared story.
I once struggled to communicate with a direct report. He was the resident subject matter expert, and I had joined the team as a new leader during a transition. I found it difficult to get him to open up to me, which was a problem; he was the keeper of knowledge for his area, and I needed to learn from him in order to be effective. Every time I asked a question, he reacted defensively—almost on instinct. From my perspective, I was just seeking to understand, but from his, I was overstepping.
We went back and forth for some time, unable to connect, until we had a breakthrough. I said to him, “You baked an incredible wedding cake and put it on the table. It is perfect in every way, but I had to ask you, ‘Are you sure there are no strawberries? Our best man can’t be near strawberries.’ Then I asked, ‘Are you sure there are no nuts? Because my cousin is deathly allergic.’ You seemed upset that I asked, waved away my questions, and replied, ‘Why don’t you trust me?’ Instead, you could have set down the cake and said, ‘Here is the wedding cake. I made sure that no strawberries or nuts were used since I know you have guests with allergies.’ If you had done that, I wouldn’t have felt the need to ask, and if I hadn’t had to ask, you would not have felt attacked.”
He smiled and replied, “Sometimes the question I get is, ‘Why is the cake white?’ and it can get tiring to explain something so obvious after a while.”
We laughed about it, but this was a moment of clarity. The wedding cake story took us out of our normal tennis match communication style and got us onto the same page. By describing his craft as a wedding cake, I honored his expertise and skill. I was also able to illustrate how, when he presented the final work, the questions being asked were usually not attacks, but attempts to make sure that we were on the same wavelength. And his response helped me see how my questions seemed out of place and awkward. This helped us unlock our relationship.
Using word pictures can transform your relationships by helping you communicate more effectively. Rather than simply telling someone something, you are bringing them into your world with a vivid illustration of your point of view and experience. This diffuses tense situations and opens the door to dialog. Leveraging this tool, you can create new ways to connect and align with those around you.