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Is it normal to have no close friends?

“I feel like I have a lot of “casual” friends, but no close friends. No best friends, nobody I really even hang out with. It gets me pretty down to think about, and I don’t feel like I have a strong support system.”

Lacking close friends is surprisingly common, with 27% of people aged 23-38 saying that they don’t have any close friends.^[1] Acquaintances and casual friends can be fun, but close friendships give you a deeper sense of trust and belonging.

Turning those acquaintance relationships into close and fulfilling friendships will take time, but it is well worth the effort.

Part 1: Reasons you might not have close friends

Part 2: The benefits of close friendships

Not spending enough time with your friends

Developing a strong bond with a close friend can take longer than you might think, between 150-200 hours.^[2] This time is spent sharing information about ourselves, building trust, and coming to value the other person’s contribution to our lives.

Making time for the other person and incorporating them into your life allows you to gradually increase the amount of time you are spending together.

There are ways to short-circuit this process, through sharing personal information regularly and asking the other person questions about themselves.

How to find ways to spend more times together with friends

For your friendships to deepen, take all opportunities that are offered you to spend time together and take your own initiative to meet with people.

• Consider blocking out a period of time in your diary each week to devote to your friends. If they’re not free to hang out, you could spend that time researching fun things to suggest for the future or catch up with another friend. You can research fun things to do in the winter or fun things to do in the summer with them, depending on the weather.
• Try to say yes to invites where possible. If you can’t make an event, suggest an alternative time when you could see them. This shows that you are still engaged in the friendship and helps to create a pattern of seeing each other that fits around your schedule.
• If you usually do something alone, such as studying or working out, think about if you know someone who might want to do it together.

Although some friendships become intense very quickly, it can be better to spread your ‘getting to know you’ time out. A text message or two per day is often preferable to silence all week and then a bunch of texts on Friday night.

Not daring to open up about yourself

Studies show that for two people to get to know each other, they have to know things about each other. The best way to increase closeness is by gradually, over the course of your friendship, increasing the amount of personal information you give about yourself and that you ask for from others.^[3]

Sharing personal experiences and feelings can make us feel vulnerable. It means putting down many of our defenses and allowing the other person to see the real us, not the brave face that we put on for the rest of the world.

Opening up, although sometimes difficult, is what allows you to know that your friends understand you.

Practical advice on how to open up

Practice talking about what you think or feel. This helps people get to know you, and helps you bond as long as it’s not about controversial topics. Pay attention to if something’s holding you back from doing so – it could be the fear of being vulnerable or assuming that people don’t care.

Start with minor personal disclosures, such as a favorite band, and build gradually towards more important or vulnerable topics, such as hopes and fears. A helpful strategy is to share your feelings and opinions related to whatever you’re talking about. Then, ask your friend what their thoughts are on the topic.

Let’s say that you’re having a conversation about movie genres.

If you share what movie genres you like, you open up a little bit about yourself. You can ask your friend what genres they prefer, and now you got them to open up a little bit, too.

Now, you can take this one step further. You can ask them why you think they like the movie genres they do like. And likewise, you can try to analyze yourself in the same way and share with your friend.

Now, you’re moving from small talk about movies to actually getting to know each other.

Each conversation should start with small talk and move towards increased intimacy. This should always feel relaxed and comfortable but you may notice that there is less small talk as you become closer friends.

Putting too much pressure on your relationships

As I mentioned above, building friendships takes time. When you are feeling lonely, it can be tempting to try to push your relationships to become closer very quickly. This pressure can challenge a budding friendship.

You do want to be more personal with someone over time. However, asking a lot of personal questions is a common way to push for more intimacy. But be careful that it doesn’t feel like an interrogation.

If you ask a lot of questions, try offering statements that show your interest instead. Rather than “what was that like?” you could say “I’d love to hear more about that” or “I can’t imagine being in that situation”.

Aim for a balance between you and your friend

Balanced relationships feel relaxed and easy. Matching communication styles, in terms of the quantity and quality of communication is important for building a feeling of closeness.^[4]

Friendships feel balanced when you both do the following things approximately equally:

• Sharing information about yourselves.
• Maintaining contact.
• Spending time talking vs listening.
• Replying quickly to messages.

Paying attention to the balance in your friendships will help you to maintain your close friends.

Read more in our guide on how to make close friends.

Being too independent

Being independent is generally considered a good thing, but close friends need to feel wanted and needed. Moving from acquaintances to close friends is about making space in your life for other people.

Sometimes, our independence is in reality a symptom of feeling insecure about forming close relationships. If you can relate to this, you can read up on attachment styles and how they affect your closest relationships.

Independent people can often be intimidating to approach, so invite others to join you in activities that you might normally do alone. Being invited allows others to feel wanted.

Don’t be afraid to mention that this is something you would normally do alone. Knowing that they have been invited into something that you already enjoy alone can make people feel special and valued.

How to make space in your life for close friends

Activities in which there is a shared goal or where it feels comfortable to share personal information are better for creating close friendships. A shared goal helps you to see how each other react to situations and to build trust, whilst quiet situations such as having a coffee and a chat make it easy to discuss a wide range of topics, including personal ones.

To create close friendships, invite acquaintances to interact one-on-one. Choose a low-stress environment in which you are unlikely to feel rushed. A trip to an art gallery is likely to be more effective in deepening a friendship than visiting a theme park.

Driving people away when they get too close

Sometimes, you can look back at past friendships and notice that you tend to push people away or find fault with them as soon as the friendship reaches a certain level of intimacy. Although you might want closer friends, this might be a sign that you are struggling to trust people.

If you notice that this is a common pattern for you, it is important to be honest with yourself. If you feel yourself disengaging from a friendship, ask yourself why and see how you feel about the answer.

Again, you might have an attachment style that makes it hard for you to form close bonds.

An attachment style is the type of way we form bonds with others. Some have avoidant attachment styles that make it hard for them to form close bonds. This is usually formed at a young age by the type of relationships we have with our parents. You can learn to identify your attachment style here.

How to become comfortable with intimacy

Learning to trust others can be a long, slow process. If this is an ongoing difficulty for you, it may be valuable to seek help from a trained therapist.

Research shows that experience with trusting relationships with friends or intimate partners can help to increase the security of your attachment style over time.^[5]

Rather than pushing people away entirely when you feel nervous, try to lower the intimacy level a little. Spend a little longer on small talk and only share personal information that feels comfortable. This may allow you to feel comfortable again and give you the space to allow trust to build over a longer period.

Pulling away when life gets hard

When you are going through a difficult time it can be tempting to pull up the drawbridges and conserve all of your emotional energy until you’ve dealt with whatever has been going wrong. This is especially true when you haven’t had many close friends, as you might not have learned how to accept help and comfort from friends.

Pulling away from others when they know you’re in difficulties can come across as a lack of trust. Be honest with the people who care about you. Have a standard message that you send out to friends when this happens (to reduce the chance that this becomes an ‘impossible task’).^[6]

Try saying “I’m having a rough time at the moment, so I’m going to be a bit quiet while I sort it out. I still care, I just didn’t want you to worry if I don’t reply or I’m not around for a while. I’ll talk to you soon.” This makes it easier to reestablish contact when you’re feeling better.

You may receive offers of help in response to your message. If you feel able, try accepting ones that feel beneficial. When you get back in touch after your crisis, try talking about what was wrong with your friends. This allows them to understand you better and can prevent them from feeling shut out or distrusted.

Part 2: Examining the benefits of close friendships

Examining in what way your life would improve with more close friends can help give more motivation to develop those friendships.

The things that you value about having close friends can also help you to decide how best to go about improving your friendships. It is likely that you are looking for several of these, but try to consider which is most important to you.

“Having close friends would help me to feel normal”

This is a very common reason for wanting to increase their number of close friends. You might be reasonably self-sufficient and happy with the social group that you have, but wonder whether you’re missing out by not having a best friend.

If this is you, you may have difficulty opening up to others and sharing private details about yourself. This is because you’re not really looking to gain anything substantial from the friendship.

Starting gradually by sharing time and experiences, such as kayaking, walks or visits to art galleries, can give you time to discover things that you value from having close friends.

You’ll have someone to rely on

For many people, having someone you trust to be there in difficult times is one of the most important aspects of having close friends. Whether this is having someone you can call in the middle of the night or someone to pick you up from the hospital, it is reassuring to know that you don’t have to face everything alone.

Asking one person to take on the role of the one person you can always rely on is a very big ask. If this is important to you, it can be helpful to build towards having several close friends, rather than a single person. It’s also important to allow the friendship to build over time, as too much pressure can destroy a budding friendship.

You’ll have someone share significant events with

Significant life events can be a trigger for people feeling lonely, as we value having someone to share them with^[7]. Whether this is having someone to go for drinks with after your last day at a job or them being a maid of honor or best man at your wedding, we want the person we share these events with to understand their importance to us.

Building this kind of friendship requires letting someone into the emotional side of your life as well. They need to see and understand the emotional value to assign to situations and events and become accustomed to sharing smaller events such as birthdays or even a much-needed weekend.

Having close friends means that someone can understand you

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we show to others. The people you work with see a different side of you to the side your parents see, for example. Close friends can be the people who see the most authentic you^[8], which can be both terrifying and liberating.

This kind of friendship takes time, effort, and bravery to develop. You will need to drop your guard and be yourself around your friend to allow them to see the parts of you that you normally keep hidden.

It is essential that you take the time that’s needed for this, as moving too fast can be overwhelming for the other person, as well as putting you at risk of trusting the wrong person.

You’ll have someone to talk to every day

Sometimes sharing the mundane conversations about our lives can be more intimate than the big, dramatic events. Having someone you can just call and chat with allows you to feel that you are not alone and that someone else cares about even the small details of your life.

Some people are able to have this kind of friendship with just one person, talking with that person every day. Others prefer to have several close friends of this type, talking to each of them once or twice a week.

These kinds of friendships take a lot of time together to establish, although this can happen over a surprisingly short number of weeks or months. It can become very intense and can burn out quickly if one person stops putting in the effort. If you can maintain it, however, it can be very rewarding.

Should We End It? | 7 Friends You Need to Quit | Writing a Farewell Letter | A Face to Face Goodbye | 6 Break Up Strategies You’ll Need| When You Should Block Them | Time to Heal

The chaos of the pandemic made falling out of touch natural — even acceptable. That was kind of handy when it came to an acquaintance that, for whatever reason, you don’t have room for in your life.

But breaking up with a once-close friend is not that easy. Cutting ties with a deeper connection is much harder, given that everyone is following everyone on social media — never mind that they may be able to see who you’re reimbursing for beers on Venmo. If you work or share a living space with the person you’d like some distance from, that can be even harder.

And severing a friendship can be so much more painful than ending a romantic relationship. With a partner, you expect there to be intense feelings, but friends can pack in a surprising amount of emotional baggage you didn’t even notice they were carrying around, explains Fran Walfish, Psy.D., a California-based psychotherapist and author appearing on CBS’s The Doctors and WEtv. It may feel easier to ghost them to avoid confrontation — and in some cases, that’s what you’ll need to do.

But way more often than not, ending a friendship requires an approach that stresses compassion for the friend you once held dear, compassion for your own feelings, and firm resolution to help you both move forward. «I do believe it helps tremendously to have an understanding of what went wrong. It’s a learning opportunity to grow and use the information in a positive way for the next relationship, and enhance self-awareness,» Walfish adds.

Should you end your friendship?

Sometimes, the reason you need to end the friendship is a no-brainer, says Brittany Johnson, LMHC, an Indiana-based trauma-focused therapist and author of Get Out of Your Own Way. Johnson reports being booked solid since the pandemic began helping clients work through revelations that left them feeling that they didn’t know their friend at all, or that they didn’t share the same values. Many breakups were brought on by being shocked to discover very different takes on current events, such as social unrest around racial injustice, police brutality, or politics around the 2020 election; more was about the science behind the spread of COVID-19 and dealing with lockdown.

But other times, says Johnson, the problem with your friend is less black-and-white, and doing the legwork to be certain you want to end the friendship can save you a lot of grief. Even if you are pretty sure you don’t want this friend in your life, the best way to end a friendship is actually to try to preserve it at first.

That’s because communicating why you are angry or disappointed in a friend has several benefits: Expressing yourself can ensure your friend knows how you feel, Johnson says, so they can’t claim to be surprised. It also allows you to feel at peace when with your decision if your concerns aren’t resolved after you bring them up, and gives your friend a chance to apologize and perhaps be there for you in the way you need, says Johnson. There’s nothing worse for your own emotional wellbeing than forcing a relationship to end and realizing later that you’ve made a mistake.

When it’s time to end your friendship

Unfortunately, after an initial heart-to-heart, it quite often becomes clear that the friendship isn’t working, and that it’s in your best interest to end it entirely. What kinds of situations warrant this response? According to Good Housekeeping’s panel of psychologists and therapists, these are red flags that you simply can’t ignore:

• The friend is flouting clear boundaries, even after you’ve asked them to honor them, repeatedly showing up in places you don’t wish to see them, or broaching a topic of conversation that’s off-limits.
• They’re lying to you or consistently breaking your trust, are no longer rooting for you, or have become your rival.
• They’ve steered onto a one-way street — it’s all about them, and you are devoting way more time, effort and resources to the friendship than you’re getting from it.
• They’re consistently negative toward you and tarnish your mood, or you feel an obligation to be friends with no real connection in this case.
• Their values no longer align with yours, and you can’t find a middle ground. «If you are having to hide things that are important to you, that’s a sign [the relationship] may be toxic and not helpful anymore,» says Jen Douglas, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor at Stanford University’s School of Medicine and a practicing psychologist in the San Francisco Bay area. «Just as many of us will draw a line in the sand on where we will work due to a company’s values, we deserve to have similar thoughts in regards to values held by friends who we associate with.»
• They’re gaslighting you, especially over issues of identity or sexual experience. If they’re invalidating your feelings about being queer, for example, refusing to accept who you are while minimizing every experience you share, it’s time to move on.
• It’s an extreme situation involving abuse. In that case — which we’ll get to later —you’ll need more immediate distance.

Assuming it’s any of the reasons above aside from an abusive situation, however, what should you do next?

Should I end it over text?

The short answer here is no, and there are some other don’ts: Don’t ask another friend to deliver the message that you won’t be speaking to them again, nor should you rant about them on social media, or be destructive in some other way.

So what should you do? Start by gradually distancing yourself from the friend in question, experts say. This gives you time to make sure you’re ready to discuss things without spilling out pent-up anger or frustration, says Johnson. Acting too fast is generally turns «the talk» into «the screaming match.»

Next, decide if you want to have a face-to-face or spell it out in a letter, advises Jen Polite, PhDc, LMHC, MS, a New York-based psychotherapist. Part of this is getting real about your expectations, she says. «What’s your objective? The objective is imperative because you want to ensure that you’re not having a conversation in hopes that they’ll give you something, like closure, explanations, or clarity,» Polite says. «Though ideal, this type of outcome isn’t within your control — your objective should be centered on what you alone can control, and you should only schedule a live conversation if sharing how you feel is the most important thing on your agenda.»

And you’re not a wimp if you decide not to have «the talk,» says Johnson. «If it’s not your strong suit, it’ll be counterintuitive to try to force yourself to have a face-to-face conversation,» Johnson explains. In this case, you’ll work to express your feelings in a note.

When a written breakup may be best:

A written goodbye can help you end things peacefully in many ways, chiefly among them that you’ll avoid a confrontational scene.

• You can express yourself calmly and clearly, without getting flustered. «If you have felt invalidated by the person but know that you will regret not expressing yourself, [writing a letter] can help to assertively communicate why the friendship isn’t working for you,» explains Douglas.
• You can take your time. «When approaching emotionally difficult subjects, it is important to think through what you would like to get across ahead of time,» says Douglas. You may want to write a draft in a journal first, suggests Tasha M. Brown, Ph.D., a New York-based clinical psychologist specializing in youth therapy. «If you need to get your thoughts out and organized, you can journal first, or even dictate what you want to say to another friend,» she says.
• It can feel safer. If a friend has been physically or verbally violent, you likely don’t owe them a goodbye to begin with. But if you feel you must, a letter is the way to go.

When conversations may be better:

Some people find it easier to face a friend and declare their feelings, allowing someone a chance to respond and see genuine emotions. You’ll want to select a neutral setting to have this conversation — somewhere that isn’t on anyone’s «turf» so to speak, and quasi-public if possible, to keep both you and the friend from making a scene.

• You’d like to gauge their reaction. A real-time conversation can give your friend a chance to respond, and can help you see if they understand the point you’re trying to get across, which can make things feel more settled. Ultimately, talking in person can give you a chance to be gracious and remind them that you are also sorry this relationship didn’t work out.
• If you think it will be helpful to your friend. Having a conversation in person may give your soon-to-be-former friend a chance to resolve their feelings. «You should aim to listen as much as you speak,» Polite says. They can weigh in on how they feel about ending your friendship in a calm and constructive manner; if it becomes explosive or overly emotional, that’s your cue to transition into next steps (or, just to leave).
• You can talk through boundaries. The goal of this conversation should include setting boundaries you’re going to need them to uphold moving forward,» Brown adds. Your friend might have boundaries of their own — ending a friendship respectfully means you will want to understand theirs as well.

Master tactics for breaking it off:

Regardless if you’re doing it in person or via snail mail, employing these strategies when ending a friendship will result in the healthiest possible resolution for both parties.

1. Make it about how you’re feeling. Most people respond better to «I» language when you are affirming your emotions. Framing what your friend did or didn’t do in terms of how it made you feel will also help you avoid incendiary language or accusations that’ll prompt defensive digs, Polite says. «It’s important to stick to giving feedback on behaviors — statements like ‘It’s really bothered me how you’ve put down my partner even after I’ve asked you to stop’ — versus making general statements about their character, like ‘You’re a terrible person,'» Douglas explains.
2. Share responsibility. «Saying something like ‘We can’t seem to find a middle ground’ can be better received than ‘You aren’t doing what you should be,’ because it doesn’t indicate they’re wrong alone,» says Johnson. Yes, even if you feel in your heart that they alone are at fault — your goal here is to end things gracefully, and blaming them won’t help with that.
3. Keep the conversation neutral, and skip loaded language. Even if the person begins throwing blame or insults your way, continue to respond by focusing on your feelings, and don’t engage in any low blows. «Stay away from the word ‘toxic’ in the entire conversation, because that word will set anyone off,» Johnson stresses. «That’s never productive for a good conversation.»
4. Try to stay out of the weeds. «To engage in a back and forth conversation over small details is counterproductive, as you’ve already made a decision,» Brown says. Use phrases like: «This has been my experience»; «This is how I feel»; «This is what I’m thinking,» Johnson adds. If the conversation is going in circles, it’s time to end it — you don’t want to allow yourself to become gaslit in the process.
5. Lay your expectations out for moving forward. Be clear here — are you asking for time and space? Or do you wish to never hear from this person again? If you’ll be seeing this person again in an office, a classroom, or another social setting, what kind of interactions are you hoping to have? Johnson says it’s important to share what you hope for the future as plain as day to avoid confusion later on.
6. Wish them well. Showing that you have goodwill toward them may or may not be well received in the moment, but if it’s sincere, it’s worth doing. Later, looking back, they may appreciate that you’re rooting for their future happiness.

When it’s okay to mute or block someone — or simply ghost:

Some conflicts should prompt you to immediately block a friend on social media and remove yourself from any interaction: those that make you feel unsafe or targeted. Safety is non-negotiable, says Douglas. There are things you cannot simply agree to disagree over. «Issues such as social injustice, racism, and police brutality intersect with many individuals’ personal experience and deeply held values,» she says, and can make you feel emotionally unsafe around someone. If you don’t share any other social circles and have no need for closure, you can ghost this person and sever communication without explanation. You don’t owe them anything.

Another time ghosting or blocking may be appropriate: If they’re actively gaslighting you, meaning they’re erasing your human experience or opinions, says Douglas. The emotional labor of convincing someone to respect your feelings, or not be racist, homophobic, xenophobic or generally intolerant in any regard is not on you alone, and you can decide that it’s too much for you. You don’t need to bear the cross of mistreatment in a quest to correct a former friend’s behavior, she adds. In other words, you can freely walk away from this person without closure or explaining why you’re ending this friendship if it’s too hard on you.

If the person is a threat to you or your health, it’s crucial that you end your relationship immediately. If you know this person may have enough info to track you down, call 911 or local authorities and get help in handling the situation.

If you don’t feel unsafe or gaslit, but just don’t want to deal, muting a former friend is a good choice. This option (or the unfollow function on Facebook) wipes their content and activity off your feed — and they will be none the wiser. It’s an easy digital fix that can save you a lot of internalized drama.

Once the deed is done:

Despite how sure you are you needed to quit your friend, you’ll likely feel extremely sad. «You should expect upfront that there will be some grieving, especially if this person had any hand in major milestones in your life,» Brown explains. You may even doubt your decision for a short while, which is only natural. «Having your pros and cons list [from before], being able to confidently say why you ended the friendship is crucial here. In moments of sadness, you’re able to remember why you made the decision.»

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The camaraderie between Russian men is widely praised, so it’s no wonder Russians have an array of words for ‘friend’, each of them carrying a slightly different meaning.

1. Брат (brat, ‘brother’)

Brother is, of course, much more than friend, so this is how Russian guys call each other if they’re really close and have been through some ordeals together. A diminutive братишка (‘brat-ishka’) is a more friendly variant and ‘bratan’ carries an air of respect and dignity. Also, Russians from the Caucasian region, who practice Islam, consider all fellow Muslim believers “brothers” and even slightly abuse this word, especially with strangers.

However, it’s not uncommon to be called ‘brat’ by a complete stranger on the street in Russia – but in most cases, the person may simply want something from you, like a cigarette or some spare change.

2. Друг (droog, ‘friend’)

The obvious word for a friend has also many derivatives in Russian – дружбан (‘droozhban’), дружище (‘droozhishche’), друган (‘droogan’). All of them just emphasize the meaning of ‘friend’. After брат, друг stands above all other words in terms of seriousness of friendship.

Again, if a stranger wants something from you on the street, they might address you as ‘droog’, trying to imply they mean no harm.

3. Кореш (‘koresh’)

This word came from criminal circles in the early 20th century. In Yiddish, ‘korev’ means ‘relative’. Since the Russian criminal world had many Jewish people speaking Yiddish, their words migrated into Russian. Currently, the word ‘koresh’ just means “a close friend” and doesn’t really carry any criminal meaning.

4. Земляк (zemlyak, ‘homie’)

A clean analogue of ‘homeboy’, земляк (“the one from the same land”) is used to mean that somebody is from the same place as you are, where земля means ‘land’ in Russian. In a vast country, people who go to work and live in Moscow or St. Petersburg from other cities and towns of Russia often end up making friends with people who come from the same regions, often referring to them as ‘zemlyak’, or with a touching diminutive – ‘zemelya’.

5. Старик (starik, ‘old man’)

Used in reference to boys only, ‘starik’ means someone you’ve known for a long time. It is also used ironically, when an older person addresses the younger one, who obviously can’t be an “old man”. However, referring to a girl or a woman as ‘starukha’ (‘old hag’) is an insult, even between girls.

6. Кент (kent, ‘buddy’)

Just like ‘koresh’, ‘kent’ probably came from Yiddish, where it means “the one who knows [you]”. This word is also borrowed from the language of criminals and is still used there. Normally, if a Russian guy calls someone ‘kent’, he implies that the friendship is really close and that he and his ‘kent’ overcame some tough times together.

7. Кирюха (kiryukha, ‘a drinking bud’)

Derived from the slang term кирять (kiryat, ‘to drink’), this word means a drink lover and also a buddy who you’re drinking with.

8. Приятель (priyatel, ‘pal’)

You wouldn’t want to call your friend a ‘priyatel’, because it really means a person you have just an easy relationship with, but it can’t be called friendship – yet. ‘Priyatels’ can become friends, but they don’t always do.

9. Товарищ (tovarisch, ‘comrade’)

Derived from the word ‘tovar’ (‘product’), ‘tovarisch’ was initially used in Russia to mean a business partner. But, in the Soviet times, it became a widespread address form for the people in the USSR – and not only men; a woman could also be called a ‘tovarisch’. Currently, this word is used less often and it can be compared to ‘priyatel’ in terms of usage. We also have a separate article for this word.

10. Знакомый (znakomyi, ‘acquaintance’)

This word is the “least friendly” of them all and it’s used to mean a person you know of, but aren’t friends or pals with; you just happen to have their acquaintance and don’t necessarily have good relations with the person.

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