There are a set of people that love making people. They don’t want others to be sad or feel that they do not belong to the world. These people make others happy by giving them money, solving their problems, and treating them. This article will help you know a few words people use to describe these types of people.
The preferred words to describe someone that makes you happy can be a motivator, game-changer, or Altruist. However, Altruist is more appropriate as it prioritizes others’ happiness. A motivator makes others glad to do things. At the same time, a game-changer changes the situation for people to be happy.
Whichever way, the goal of the people mentioned above is to make others happy.
Motivator
A “motivator” inspires people to do something or perform well. The word usually refers to anything or a person that makes you enthusiastic about performing. To be motivated, you need to be happy. Only a happy mind can do things effectively. If you are down, you need a motivator.
The definition of “motivator,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is “a person or thing that makes someone enthusiastic about doing something.”
- I am starting to lose interest in this job. The pay is too small, and the environment is not conducive. I need a new motivator to work.
- My lecturer was a great motivator. I was able to finish my research work on time.
- Elon Musk purchased Twitter yesterday. I believe freedom of speech was his motivator.
Game-changer
At a point in our lives, everyone needs a game-changer to change the course of the situation. If an event is going unplanned and something or someone changes the game in your favor, you will be delighted. A game-changer can be a person or an event.
The definition of a “game-changer,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is “something or someone that affects the result of a game or situation.”
- Your idea is a game-changer. We are now the best company in Georgia.
- The coronavirus was a game-changer for me. The traffic to my website increased in four-folds. I was able to make a lot of money.
- Will they be able to keep their current success up, or will another game-changer come their way?
Philanthropist
A “philanthropist” is an individual who devotes their time to helping others. Philanthropists often donate money, skills, and talent to help the poor or the needy. By doing so, they make others happy. Anyone can be a philanthropist irrespective of status and net worth.
As long as you improve the welfare of others with what you have, you are a philanthropist.
According to The Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of a “philanthropist” is “a person who helps the poor, especially by giving them money.”
- Mr. Stone donated 100 textbooks on Law to the University library. He is a true philanthropist.
- He is the best person because he is a recognized politician and a philanthropist.
- A wealthy philanthropist built our university and the school library.
Giver
Givers make people happy by giving them something. If you need something, a giver is always ready to provide you with it. They don’t like seeing people lacking what they have. Sometimes, you don’t need to ask them for something before giving you things. It is their nature.
The definition of “giver,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is “a person who gives something to someone.”
- Givers, they say, will never lack. Why am I broke after giving out millions of dollars to people? I think the best sentence should be “sensible givers will never lack.”
- I thank the giver of life for protecting me today.
- Your new decisions will attract givers from all over the country.
Comedian
If you are sad, you need a comedian to put a smile on your face and make you better. A comedian’s job is to make someone laugh by telling jokes. They also mimic the actions of famous individuals for you. You become a happy person with their comedy.
The definition of “comedian,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is a “person whose job is to make people laugh by telling jokes or amusing stories by copying the behavior or speech of famous people.”
- He won the award for the best stand-up comedian.
- He is a good comedian; you cannot be with him without laughing.
- Susan and Drey, the renowned comedian, were high school classmates.
Altruist
“Altruists” are people that care about others without expecting any reward. They always want people to be happy. As a result, they try to find solutions to the problems they are passing through. If they don’t have money, they will choose to be your companion.
The definition of “Altruist,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary,is “a person who cares about others and helps them without gaining anything by doing so.”
- He is an altruist. He keeps helping everyone without asking a dime from them.
- Not all altruists are rich. Some are just helping people because it is their true nature.
- Don’t be too relaxed. Everyone cannot love your behavior as an altruist.
Therapist
Therapists have helped several people overcome their sadness and become happy. They can help with relationship, disability and career issues. For example, a sad person can visit a therapist who will lighten his mind and make him happy.
Therapists must help their client overcome their sorrow. A good therapist must be empathetic and always ready to listen.
The definition of “therapist,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is “someone whose job is to treat a particular type of mental or physical illness or disability usually with a particular type of therapy like speech therapy.”
- I visited a therapist when I was not mentally okay.
- The therapist that helped my brother solve his relationship issue is a woman.
- I believe “therapist” and “counselor” have the same meanings. However, “counselor” seems more official.
Leader
Leadership skills are one of the salient skills that every organization wants. A good leader is someone who leads by example. A good leader will make all his followers happy and ready to work despite being in charge.
The definition of “Leader” according to The Cambridge Dictionary is “a person in control of a group, country or situation.”
- I have an outstanding leader that is always ready to look after the welfare of all the workers
- A reader is a leader.
- The Russian political leader, Putin, put up a tough fight against the Ukrainians.
- The company has become a leader in the cryptocurrency industry
Live wire
A live wire is a very energetic and lively person. Being with someone like this is never a dull movement. You will have a good vibe that will give no room for sadness when you are around a live wire. Live wires cheer sad people up once they see one.
According to The Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of a “live wire” is “someone who is very active and has a lot of energy.
- No one knew he was a live wire until they played his favorite song.
- We need a live wire in our midst. We cannot always be dull without having someone to bring a good vibe.
- You cannot be sad if you are with George. He is a livewire.
Pollyanna
“Pollyanna” is an overly optimistic person who believes in good things happening irrespective of the situation. These people see the good side of any bad situation. They are always available to motivate a sad person.
Usually, Pollyanna often suffers when they fall into the wrong hands. They tend to be maltreated or cheated because they believe everyone is good.
The definition of “pollyanna,” according to The Cambridge Dictionary, is “a person that believes that good things are more likely to happen than bad things, even when this is very less likely.”
- A naive Pollyanna kept jumping around in the woods joyfully, unaware of the imminent danger.
- She hates being called a Pollyanna despite always being cheerful and optimistic.
- Emmanuel’s wife has been maltreating him for five years, but he refuses to leave the house or divorce her. I think he is a Pollyanna.
People Pleaser
A people pleaser doesn’t want people to be unhappy with his actions and inactions. Such an individual does everything possible to get the approval of others. Once people are displeased, he makes amendments. Frequently, people pleasers hurt themselves with their decisions when trying to impress others.
According to The Cambridge Dictionary, the definition of “people pleaser” is “someone who cares about whether other people like them and always wants to get their approval.”
- He is a people pleaser. He kept hurting himself to make his followers like him.
- Because many people disapproved of his acting skills, he stopped acting. He could have developed his skills if he was not a people pleaser.
In our daily English, we use other phrases and words to describe someone that makes us happy. Such an individual can be a “rare breed of human being” or a helper (commonly used by non-native speakers).
You may also like: 11 Words For A Person Who Is Always Smiling
Martin holds a Master’s degree in Finance and International Business. He has six years of experience in professional communication with clients, executives, and colleagues. Furthermore, he has teaching experience from Aarhus University. Martin has been featured as an expert in communication and teaching on Forbes and Shopify. Read more about Martin here.
level 1
I think the word you’re looking for is «compersion».
level 1
Hmmm… I’m drawing a blank, in situations where I’m happy for someone I just tell them «I’m happy for you»
I’m interested to see if someone comes through with a word that expresses that feeling.
level 1
well it’s a regional thing, but we say «made up for» as in, «ah i’m made up for you/them!» basically does mean very happy for them
level 1
Not quite. At least, not in standard recognizable vocabulary, though there are thousands of non-standard unused words.
level 1
joy? connectedness, sympathy,
level 1
wait, I assume you’re asking for the opposite of schadenfreude, the happiness at the misfortune of others. Or what we Americans refer to as «pwned.»
«Muditā» is the Buddhist word for sympathetic or vicarious joy. happiness at the fortune of others.
level 2
That would work great, but it’s for a friend of mine’s novel and I don’t know if the character could use that.
level 1
Congratulations. Congratulate comes from the Latin meaning «rejoice together». Less often heard would be ‘Felicitations’, or easier still maybe ‘Kudos’.
level 1
Empathy, ’tis the feeling you mean. Or, simply, «proud of.»
level 2
Empathy wouldn’t work in this situation.
level 2
Empathy encompasses the entire range of emotions, though. It’s not specific to happiness, and it’s more of an identification with their feeling of their emotions, at that.
level 2
empathetic joy isn’t the same as being happy for someone. it’s the joy you feel at someone being joyful for something.
level 1
In context:
Well, my friend is pregnant . Not his kid. But I’m supposed to be happy for the him. The sentence is
«I can almost always fake empathy or sympathy, but I found myself unable to conjure up any feelings of (blank)»
Today, you’re going to learn 41 positive emotion adjectives and idioms to describe happy emotions. For more positive English words, check out 59 Positive Personality Adjectives!
Do you ever find yourself saying this:
“I’m so happy. I mean … I’m really, really happy. This makes me so happy. I’m happy — are you happy? I’m happy!”
It sounds like you need some synonyms for “happy.”
Today, I’m going to show you how to stop repeating yourself when you’re talking about positive feelings.
By the end of this lesson, you’ll be able to stop repeating yourself when you want to say that you’re feeling:
- Happy
- Excited
- Surprised
- Interested
- Satisfied
- Emotional
- Relaxed
So let’s get started.
More Words for “Happy”
Pleased — This word means between “happy” and “satisfied.” Very often, you’re pleased with a particular thing. Like your exam results. Or the hippo dancing.
Cheerful — This is when someone is visibly happy. They walk into the room, and you can see it in the way they walk, what they say and the massive smile on their face.
Exuberant — This is like cheerful — but even stronger.
Euphoric — When you’re intensely happy. This is when all you can feel is your own happiness. It really is a very strong feeling.
Merry — This is a little like cheerful. Usually, when you’re feeling merry, you might be in quite a playful mood as well. We often associate this with how you feel after a couple of glasses of wine.
Overjoyed — This simply means “very happy.”
Elated — Somewhere between “happy” and “overjoyed.”
Glad — “Glad” is similar to “pleased.” Usually, you’re glad about something in particular. Like the wonderful news. Or the football result.
Bonus Idioms — Happy
Actually, there are quite a few idioms to describe being happy. Here are some of the more common ones:
On cloud nine
On top of the world
In high spirits
As happy as Larry
You may have noticed that most of these refer to being somewhere high up. Which makes sense, right?
The Larry idiom? Well, that doesn’t make sense. I mean — who’s Larry, and why’s he so happy?
Ah… English!
Words for “Happy” on a Scale
At the top: you’ve just won the lottery, and your doctor has told you that you have a genetic condition that means you can NEVER put on weight.
At the bottom: you’re at the supermarket, and you’ve found a till with no queue.
2. Excited
Take a look at this picture. How would you describe her?
How many words did you find?
Here are some more!
More Words for “Excited”
Click to listen
Thrilled — This just means “very excited.” You can also use it to mean “happy,” like, “We’re thrilled you’re going to come and visit us at our ant factory.”
Charged — Imagine you’re about to do a parachute jump. How do you feel? This is like “excited” but has more adrenaline. More tension.
Pumped — “Pumped” is kind of similar to “charged.” You’re excited AND ready for an intense situation, like a dangerous mountain biking trail or a heavy game of kangaroo wrestling.
Words for “Excited” on a Scale
Because some words are just too strong for some situations and others are just too weak, I’m going to add a scale for each word in this lesson.
The scale ranges from “going to a new cafe” (not very exciting… but kind of exciting. A bit) to “preparing to fight a massive bear” (so exciting that it’s kind of terrifying).
So the “red zone” is something you might want to avoid unless your lifestyle is pretty extreme.
3. Surprised
Yes! You guessed it! She’s surprised!
More Words for “Surprised”
Astonished — Just “very surprised”
Astounded — I’d say that this is even stronger than “astonished.” It’s got an element of shock. Maybe you look a bit like this:
via GIPHY
Amazed — You probably already know this one. It’s like “surprised,” but there’s an air of magic to it. Like that time when you first saw a unicorn. What? You haven’t seen a unicorn yet? Well … you’ll be amazed.
Startled — This can be a bit negative sometimes. “Startled” has a feeling of shock and even alarm to it. I always think of that feeling when you’re at home, and you think no one is there. You go to the kitchen for a cup of tea, and you see your flatmate there. You thought she was out, right? How do you feel? Startled!
Taken aback — This is usually a bit more negative as well. Again, it’s on that line between “shocked” and “surprised.”
Dumbstruck — Very, very surprised. Maybe so surprised that you can’t speak.
Bonus Idiom — “Surprised”
My jaw dropped — This is about the same as “astounded.”
We also have the adjective “jaw-dropping.” Like, “Did you see that magician? Absolutely jaw-dropping! I mean … how did she make your wallet disappear completely? And then run away? Amazing!”
Words for “Surprised” on a Scale
Again — we’re going from “weak surprise” to “strong surprise.”
Weak surprise is when your friend has a new hat.
Strong surprise is when you get home, and your house is suddenly a zebra.
4. Interested
OK. How does he feel?
How many words can you use?
Here are some more!
More Words for “Interested”
Captivated — You know that feeling when you can’t stop looking at something? Like that perfect musical performance. Or one of those films that you watch, and you can never really understand what’s happening. But you just keep watching. Because you’re interested — or “captivated.”
Fascinated — Very interested
Absorbed — This is when you’re completely “stuck inside” something. Have you ever had that feeling when you’ve been so interested in a book you’re reading that you miss your bus stop? That — exactly that — is “absorbed.”
Engrossed — This is basically the same as absorbed.
Bonus Idiom — Interested
On the edge of your seat — When you’re just really interested in what’s happening. I always imagine sitting in the cinema, so interested in the film I’m watching that I’m literally sitting on the (front) edge of my seat.
Words for “Interested” on a Scale
Weak interest is when your best friend wants to tell you about their job interview. It’s kind of interesting because it’s your friend. Even though the interview itself isn’t interesting.
Strong interest is that film. We all have one of those films. It’s that film.
5. Satisfied
Oooh… You’ve got what you want, and it feels good!
But how many words can you use to describe it?
More Words for “Satisfied”
Fulfilled — That special feeling you get from being satisfied with your life — maybe it’s work; maybe it’s family; maybe it’s helping homeless rabbits.
Gratified — This is more or less the same as “satisfied.”
Satiated — We usually use it to describe feeling satisfied after a meal.
Words for “Satisfied” on a Scale
At the top, we have “completing a 5-year degree course.”
At the bottom, we have that feeling after a good cup of tea.
You may have noticed that there’s no “red zone” here. Well, it seems we don’t have many common words meaning “extremely satisfied.”
6. Emotional
We all get that feeling sometimes, right? When our feelings and emotions take over.
Sometimes, it can feel great, can’t it?
More Words for “Emotional”
Moved — It simply means “emotionally affected.” For example, when we watch a powerful drama, or when someone buys us flowers unexpectedly.
Overwhelmed — This is when something gets too much for us. Have you ever suddenly started crying with happiness when you weren’t expecting it? You could say you were overwhelmed with emotion. This can be used for negative situations as well as positive ones.
Overcome — It’s basically the same as “overwhelmed.”
Impassioned — This is another way of saying “very emotional.”
Words for “Emotional” on a Scale
Low-level emotional is when your favourite TV show is doing a double-length episode this week.
And high-level emotional is “everyone you’ve ever met has decided to throw a party for you and tell you how awesome you are.” (Hmmm… maybe that’s a bit creepy, but you get the idea!)
7. Relaxed
Oh, yeah. That’s the life.
OK. This is the last one. Before you read on … how many words do you know for relaxed?
More Words for “Relaxed”
Chilled out — You’re by the pool. You’ve got your favourite cocktail in your hand. There are no kids anywhere. You can hear the waves of the sea hitting the beach nearby. How do feel? Yep. Me too.
Calm — This one means relaxed, but it also means “not stressed” or “not angry.”
Soothed — If “calm” means “not angry/stressed,” then “soothed” means “not angry/stressed anymore.” In order to be “soothed,” you need to be angry/stressed first. Then you see the cat video, and you calm down.
Content — You know that feeling when you feel very happy with your life. Sure, you could have a bit more money, and maybe life would be a bit better if that guy in the office didn’t sing so much. But generally speaking, you’re happy and (this is the important part) you don’t want anything more. Everything’s fine the way it is. That’s “content.”
Tranquil — Remember the feeling you had by the pool? Now be 10 times more relaxed. Now you’re tranquil. Congratulations!
Serene — This one is more or less the same as “tranquil.”
Composed — You know that guy who’s always really calm, but not in that pool-side way — more in that focused, dynamic way? You could tell him that there was a bomb in his trousers, and instead of panicking, he’d just figure out a way to control the situation. Never panics, never gets emotional … He’s composed.
Words for “Relaxed” on a Scale
Super relaxed is when you’ve actually just left your body.
Mildly relaxed is when you thought you had to wash a few plates. But it looks like someone else has already done it.
So now you can talk about your feelings with these positive emotion adjectives. Good work!
But I want to make sure you’ve understood these well.
So, in the comments below, can you tell me about a time when you felt thrilled, on the edge of your seat or merry?
I’d love to hear your stories!
Did you find this useful? Do you know any people (or dolphins) that might also benefit from this? Then BE AWESOME AND SHARE! Spread the knowledge!
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For example, say I work with a group of people, and one completes a very successful project. If I feel happy that a teammate has had a success I then I am…..?
asked Aug 22, 2015 at 21:52
2
This appears to be similar to this question, What’s the antonym for Schadenfreude?
With the two most up-voted answers being Mitgefühl (a German word for «compassion») and Mudita (a Buddhist term for «finding joy in the happiness and success of others»).
answered Aug 27, 2015 at 22:38
John BJohn B
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It is possible that you are vicariously happy. Something that is vicarious is, according to Merriam-Webster,
experienced or felt by watching, hearing about, or reading about
someone else rather than by doing something yourself.
So, to be vicariously happy is to be happy for someone else’s achievement as though it were your own.
answered Aug 22, 2015 at 22:00
Jake RegierJake Regier
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3
compersion — wiktionary
The feeling of joy one has experiencing another’s joy, such as in witnessing a toddler’s joy and feeling joy in response.
The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.
answered Jun 22, 2016 at 2:42
clareclare
311 bronze badge
2
If I feel happy that a teammate has been successful then I am happy for him.
Dog Lover
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answered Aug 27, 2015 at 21:52
aparente001aparente001
21.4k10 gold badges53 silver badges91 bronze badges
Note that the word <compersion> is oft-used in sentences which include words like <polyfidelity>.
To avoid such notions, you may want to stick to <happy for him>, or if you need a single word, you’d much rather use the word <Mudita>.
answered Oct 11, 2017 at 4:48
PacerierPacerier
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I’m surprised to not see naches on this list. It’s a loan-word from Yiddish, usually used for mentees or ones children, to express the happiness felt when they succeed.
Naches, n.
Feeling of contentment at another’s successes.
– https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/naches
answered Jun 17, 2019 at 19:09
Definition: to make happy
It does seem a bit odd, when one stops to consider the matter, that so much of our time should be spent in the pursuit of happiness, and yet we have so few words which actually mean “to make happy.” Happify is one of the few, although there have been several others; similarly obscure words such as embliss and enhappy. None of these words have ever really taken with the English-speaking people, and happify, for all its charm, has even been objected to, on the grounds that it mixes the Saxon adjective of happy with the Latinate suffix of —fy.
His whipper mistook in using “miserified,” as the contrary of “happified;” for “miserified” is all Latin, whereas only one-half of happified is such. Miserablefied would have been a better word for their purpose.
—Ebenezer Hazard, letter to Jeremy Belknap, 14 Jan. 1791
Definition: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others
If we are to be completely honest, schadenfreude represents the kind of thing that most of us are think of when the words “joy” and “happiness” come to mind. The word comes to English straight from German, and in that language is a blend of the words for “damage” (Schaden) and “joy” (“Freude”).
We have been using schadenfreude in English since the 1860s, and although it was often explained by writers when first used in print, it now appears to have become naturalized, and is thought of as a full citizen of the English language. Prior to the introduction of schadenfreude there was a short-lived attempt to Anglicize a Greek word, epicaricacy (occasionally spelled epikharikaky), which had much the same meaning. However, this term does not appear to have gained much currency outside of a handful of 18th century dictionaries.
All things considered, I must confess to feeling a certain schadenfreude in contemplating this result.
—“Aliquis,” (letter to editor), The British Journal of Photography, 12 May, 1868Sure, beating the Eagles would grant Giants fans a certain level of schadenfreude; it would all but ensure the Eagles’ exile from the playoffs, and watching a 37-year-old Manning beat them to put the final nail in their coffin is surely something every Giants fan has dreamed about.
— Liam McKeone, The Big Lead, 4 Dec. 2019
Definition: shouting together with joy
Conjubilant is a fairly obscure word; whether this is due to the fact that there are not many occasions which call for people to shout together with joy, or some other feature of the word, we cannot say. But now that you know this word, imagine how delighted you will be, the next time you find yourself and a friend shouting together with joy, that you know the exact word with which to describe your circumstance.
They stand, these halls of Zion,
Conjubilant with song,
And bright with many an angel,
And all the martyr throng.
—Hymns of the Church: With Tunes, 1869
Definition: excitement attending a successful beginning
Fleshment appears to have begun its life in print in the works of William Shakespeare, with few, if any, subsequent authors using the word (except to write about how Shakespeare had used it). Yet such is the esteem in which Shakespeare is held that even if he is the only person to have used a word it will often be included in dictionaries. Some sources have been of the opinion that this word comes from the sense of flesh meaning “to feed (as a hawk or hound) with flesh from the kill to encourage interest in the chase,” while others think it comes from the sense meaning “to give (soldiers) experience in battle.”
And in the fleshment of this dead exploit,
Drew on me here againe.
—William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1623
Definition: to reckon or consider as happy or fortunate
Felicitate can be traced back to the Latin word felix (meaning “fruitful, happy”), which has served as the basis for many other words which deal with happiness (or its absence). Felicity has a number of meanings relating to happiness (“something that causes happiness,” “an instance of happiness,” etc.); the exceedingly obscure word felicificativeness has the meaning of “the tendency to produce happiness”; with the addition of a prefix we find felix serving as the basis of some decidedly unhappy words, such as infelicitous (“awkward, unfortunate”).
Onely she comes too short, that I professe
My selfe an enemy to all other ioyes,
Which the most precious square of sense professes,
And finde I am alone felicitate
In your deere Highnesse loue.
—William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1623The Bengal Assembly on Monday adopted a unanimous proposal to felicitate this year’s Nobel prize winner Abhijit Vinayak Banerjee, the second from the state to get the world’s most prestigious award in economics.
— The Telegraph India, 6. Dec. 2019
Definition: to make supremely happy, transport with delight or joy
Sometimes you need something more than enrapture. Perhaps you need a quadrisyllable (“a word of four syllables”), rather than a trisyllable. Perhaps you just don’t like the look of enrapture. Of maybe you’ve got so much happiness in your life that one word to describe it just won’t do. Whatever the reason, we won’t judge you.
So this imparadised neighbourhood made Zelmanes soule cleaue vnto her, both thorow the iuory case of her body, and the apparell which did ouer-clowd it.
—Philip Sidney, The Countesse of Pembrokes Arcadia, 1590
Definition: to salute with declarations of joy
What’s the difference between gratulate and congratulate? Well, not much, except that when you take away the first three letters of congratulate you also take away most people’s ability to understand what you mean. However, gratulate can also function as an adjective, meaning “gratifying, pleasing,” which the longer word, with all its polysyllabic frippery, cannot do.
Aristides beholdynge Themistocles enterprise great matters, wyth a patheticall incitacion of the minde, wherof he had prosperous successe, althoughe he dyd gratulate the comon weales prosperity….
—Philip Melanchthon, A Famous and Godly History, 1561
Listen and subscribe to HuffPost UK’s weekly podcast Am I Making You Uncomfortable? about women’s health, bodies and private lives. Available on Acast, Spotify, Apple and wherever you listen to podcasts.
“It’s a travesty that there isn’t a word in the English language for feeling happy for someone, whilst also feeling sad for yourself at the same time,” says Jessica Hepburn, the co-founder of Fertility Fest, who had 11 unsuccessful rounds of IVF. “That is the only way I can describe what it feels like.”
Hepburn is talking about the experience of viewing pregnancy announcements when you’re trying to conceive or have accepted your fertility journey has come to an end.
Her friend and festival co-founder, Gabby Vautier, agrees the bittersweet emotion needs to be spoken about more openly. “You’re so happy for that person, but a part of you dies as well,” admits Vautier, who eventually conceived twins via IVF, after a five-year quest for a baby.
Vautier remembers feeling “guilty” when she fell pregnant, so she decided to tell Hepburn her news via email, allowing her friend time and space to process it privately.
The pair appear in the latest episode of Am I Making You Uncomfortable?, HuffPost UK’s weekly podcast on women’s health, bodies and private lives, where we tackle the tricky topic of fertility and friendship.
Fertility Fest
If you’re experiencing fertility problems, or you want a baby but are unable to start trying due to your own circumstances, what’s going on in a friend’s womb can be unexpectedly upsetting.
Hepburn describes it as a double loss: you grieve the absence of your own child, but you’re also “robbed of sharing that joyous moment with friends” if they conceive. ‘Envy’ doesn’t feel adequate for describing such a complex emotion.
“In our head, we can be happy for someone and their joy, but in our heart, a little piece of us is wounded.”
— Lucy Beresford, psychologist
Our inability to compartmentalise the two states stems from our tendency to compare ourselves to those within our social circles, says psychotherapist Lucy Beresford. Comparison is human nature – so you shouldn’t feel bad about it.
“We are very susceptible to comparing ourselves to others and deciding whether we are ‘better than’ or ‘not good enough’. Someone else’s ‘success’, such as delivering a healthy baby, can trigger feelings of being useless or even a bad person for not having the same good fortune,” she tells HuffPost UK.
“So in our head, we can be happy for someone and their joy, but in our heart, a little piece of us is wounded.”
doble-d via Getty Images
There are tips for how to deal with the situation in person, and then tips for how to handle things in private.
“Have up your sleeve a couple of standard ‘excited’ phrases to wheel out when news of a pregnancy or birth risk making you wobble,” says Beresford. “A phrase like ‘that’s fantastic! I am so thrilled for you’ is something to say to the person who quite rightly wants to share their amazing news. In this moment, it is not about you.”
Privately, it is about you. Be truthful with yourself about your feelings, of sadness, envy, grief, anger or guilt.
“It’s healthy to acknowledge to yourself, and maybe a therapist or understanding friend, that you are finding this situation painful,” says Beresford. “Give yourself permission to not interact too much with people or situations that are proving hard, and treat yourself with compassion every single day.”
More than a decade after she began trying to conceive, Hepburn says “I’m never getting over this sadness. I carry it with me”. But in that time, she has developed tactic to allow her own feelings to co-exist alongside strong friendships.
A key factor, she says, is learning to forgive people for inadvertently saying or doing the wrong things. “People don’t put pictures up or invite you to baby showers or christenings because they’re wanting to hurt you,” she says. “And actually, to be honest, it’s even worse, I think, when you stop getting invited to those things because people don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Vanessa Haye, founder of femelanin.org, who also guests on the podcast, says at times she’s politely declined invites to child-centred events, but sent a gift to the parent or parent-to-be, to let them know that she wishes them well.
Taking a pro-active approach such as this is important, says Beresford, as friendships will crumble without a bit of honesty.
“Authenticity is a crucial ingredient for any relationship, so at a later date (not when they announce their pregnancy or birth), explain that you are finding such information painful right now, and that you hope they can be understanding if you aren’t as available to them as you would dearly like to be,” she says.
It’s only by having these difficult conversations that we acknowledge and normalise the strain fertility journeys can have on a friendship.
“We do need to have a language for this, which we haven’t had historically,” says Hepburn, “and we need to encourage people to be able to talk to each other about what is right for them.”
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It can be difficult to be happy for others at times, but overcoming those jealous tendencies can lead to significant improvements in your professional or social life, as well as your emotional wellbeing. You can free yourself from the stress and anxiety you experience when others succeed by focusing on the things that you’re grateful for and on the reasons it’s good for you, and for them, that you share in their joy.
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Use positive affirmations to change your thinking. Positive affirmations are simply the method of repeating a positive statement to yourself regularly to help you change your outlook and perspective. This practice can reduce stress and the defensive associated with threats to our sense of self.[1]
.- Repeat a simple statement about being happy for others every time you are faced with a situation that makes it difficult.
- Use declarative statements in your positive affirmations.
- Try a statement like, “I can be happy for others and appreciate their hard work,” or “I am happy for my friends and family because I want them to be happy too.”
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Don’t let yourself be competitive when there’s no need to be. Feeling as though you need to compete with those close to you can be exhausting. It’s hard enough to build a life you can be happy in without seeing the victories of others as losses for you. Strive to celebrate their successes and you won’t have to experience the stress and frustration of seeing their victories in the wrong light.[2]
- A victory for others is not a loss for you. Share in their triumphs and they will learn to share in yours.
- Use other’s accomplishments as inspiration for your own.
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Ask yourself if you want to be happy. Feeling jealous others can be extremely stressful and often isn’t necessary. Instead, take a step back and ask yourself if you would rather be happy.[3]
- By holding on to a negative frame of mind like jealousy, we are choosing to be unhappy. Instead, choose to close yourself off to negative emotions.
- Much like pushing out negative thoughts, push out negative emotions by focusing on positive ones.
- Making the choice to be happy is symbolic, but the commitment to change your thinking must be real.
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Make their victory your own. It may be easy to see other people’s victories in a way that makes them seem to compete with your own; instead consider the ways they are also yours. Give yourself the opportunity to make it all about you (inside your head).[4]
- Think of the ways you helped your friend or coworker in the recent or extended past.
- Think of the times you answered questions, listened patiently or gave a reassuring word. Those were your investments in their success, and now you can share in it.
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Don’t think anyone succeeds to spite you. Everyone is going through their own journey, and for most of us each journey involves a fair amount of highs and lows. When someone reaches one of their high points, don’t assume it has anything to do with you, but rather is a part of the journey they started long ago.[5]
- Remember the success of others is not personal, nor is it directed at you.
- Remove yourself from the equation and look at the situation again. You likely play a very little role in the person’s motivations.
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Exude positivity. Being happy for others can be difficult when you allow jealousy to skew your perspective. Instead, focus on being positive. Even if you are unimpressed by the success of your friends, appreciate that their accomplishment means something to them.[6]
- By being positive toward your friends when they succeed, you will help establish a supportive relationship with your friends that will benefit you both.
- Projecting positivity can help make you feel happier. It feels good to share in the joy of others, and you may find the positive feeling alone makes it worth the effort.
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Make a list of things that you’re grateful for regularly. If you have trouble overcoming feelings of jealousy when you see others succeed, it may be because you are under representing your own accomplishments, successes or possessions in your mind.
- Make a list of all the things you have that you should be grateful for.
- Review the list from time to time and add to it when you can.
- Think of your list whenever you feel the urge to be jealous of someone else.
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Fake it until you make it. You may have decided to make the shift toward being happy for other people, but that doesn’t change the way you feel. Instead, control your outward appearance to indicate that you are happy for others.[7]
- Sometimes it’s okay to say something nice artificially, the gesture is still meaningful.
- You may find that you enjoy the act of celebrating other’s accomplishments, making it easier to transition toward genuine appreciation.
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Share in the happiness of others. Allowing the happiness of others to make you happy can build strong relationships. Relationships develop or shift based on the way you interact with one another, and by demonstrating your happiness for others, those people are more likely to advocate on your behalf in the future.[8]
- Sharing in the happiness in others is a great way to make friends and establish strong professional relationships.
- The good impression you make on others can benefit you both socially and professionally.
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Only use positive words when talking and push out negative thoughts. You will find it much easier to be happy for others if you gain control of how you speak and what you think about. Don’t allow yourself to focus on negative aspects of anything and manage your dialogue in a positive fashion.
- Don’t let negative thoughts overwhelm you, focus on positive things. With practice, controlling your focus will get easier.
- Choose to say positive words to your coworkers and friends to place you in a more positive mindset and demonstrate your happiness for them.
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Give straightforward compliments. You don’t need to be particularly creative in how you demonstrate that you are happy for others. Try giving them a straightforward compliment about the effort they’ve put forth or the situation they find themselves in.[9]
- Give them the compliment face to face when possible.
- Keep it simple. Try something like, “congratulations on your promotion, I know how hard you worked for it!”
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Shine the spotlight on others to share in it. One of the best ways to demonstrate that you are happy for others is to draw attention to their accomplishments or successes.[10]
- By shining the spotlight on the successes of others, you share in the spotlight and establish yourself as a team player.
- The people you point out will likely appreciate the gesture, strengthening your relationship with them and encouraging others to do the same.
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Kaela Hendricks
Oct 17, 2016
«I have recently decided that I need to change myself for the better. This article has helped a lot in only one of…» more
