What should my safe word be

Before participating in any BDSM related activity its important to establish rules with your partner(s). Everyone has a different tolerance for pain; along with different levels of what they are comfortable with. To communicate these limits and desires people commonly use “safe words” and hand gestures.

Why should I use a safe word?

The safety of your partner(s) and yourself should be the main priority during any scene; what might be easy for you to handle may not be the same for your partner(s). Using safe words allows the participants to communicate their needs efficiently and quickly.

What should my safe word be?

This is completely up to you and your partner(s) to decide and should be discussed thoroughly before partaking in any type of play. There is no limit to the amount of safe words you can use, but remember to keep things simple between you and your partner(s). A safe word should me short, easily identifiable, and easy to remember.

Most commonly used safe words are:

• Green (continue, I’m ok with this)
• Yellow (slow down, less)
• Red (stop). Along with this some choose to use food or counties ex: “banana”, “pineapple”, “carrot”. “Africa”, “Canada”, “Mexico”.

How do I talk about a safe word with my partner(s)?

There should never be any shame in admitting to have a limit during a scene, your safety is #1 priority! When approaching a partner about the subject feel free to express any concerns or feelings about your limits; be sure to describe what can and can’t be pushed. If your partner(s) come to you to talk about safe words always listen with a open mind and understand their limits.

Most of the time there are 3 main conversations that any participants should have beforehand.

• The first conversation should cover EVERYTHING; express what you have experience doing, what you’d like to try, and what you will not try so that your partner(s) have a good idea of what they’re working with. After this safe words can be discussed and established.
• Second is the pre-play conversation. This conversation is normally short and just a quick reminder of what the safe words are, ex: “ok so remember red is stop, yellow is slow, and green is go”.
• Finally make sure to check up on your partner(s) to see if any desires and limits have changed (basically repeat the first conversation) this helps broaden the understanding between you and your partner(s) and keep everything safe.

What are hand gestures?

A lot of the time during a scene one may find themselves gagged or unable to speak. A common replacement of safe words are hand jesters! This can be anything from a peace sign to a snapping noise made with your fingers. Just like the safe words you can choose any hand jester that works best for you and your partner(s).

Play safe, communicate, and always listen to your partner(s) safe word!

The existence of safewords is pretty much common knowledge. Even the most vanilla peeps know that, in BDSM contexts, players often have safewords which they can use to call for mercy if they need to.

Thus you probably already know what a safeword is. But, just in case you don’t: a safeword is a pre-agreed word or phrase that, when spoken, brings a scene to an end, regardless of what’s happening at the time.

Sounds simple, right? There are, however, a few nuances it’s worth being aware of, and a few different ways of approaching safewords. Here’s a complete guide to safewords in BDSM.

Contents

Do I need a safeword?

What should my safeword be

Emotions about using your safeword

Well… no. You don’t always need to agree a safeword in advance with your partner, even when doing serious kinky stuff. Why? Well, primarily because in most cases there are dozens of pre-made safewords that should stop a scene if uttered. These might include:

• “No.”
• “Stop.”
• “That’s too hard.”
• “Wait a second.”
• “Little break?”

Most of the time there’s no reason you can’t simply communicate with your partner as you would at any other time. If you need a break, or if something isn’t working for you, or whatever… just tell them so in the normal human way.

There are, however, some situations in which having a safeword can definitely help:

When playing puts your partner in a headspace where they might find it difficult to string together a sentence. Having a safeword gives them something to focus on, and makes it easier for them to stop a scene if they need to.

When you’re doing consensual nonconsent stuff. That means anything where one of you wants to vocally or physically resist, and have that resistance ignored. Rape fantasy stuff, ravishment, CNC – whatever you want to call it. A safeword provides a way to ask for the scene to stop for real in case anything unexpected happens.

What should my safeword be?

When it comes to picking a safeword, the world’s your oyster. Your safeword might be…

Anything at all

There’s really no prescription for what your safeword should be. You could pick the name of a pet, your favourite (or least favourite) Prime Minister, or any other random word from the dictionary.

What the word is matters way, way less than everyone involved in the scene knowing and remembering it. So, perhaps the only real rule is this: keep it simple.

Red/amber/green

The traffic light system is pretty universally recognised in BDSM circles. It goes like this:

Numbers

For a slightly more nuanced approach than the ol’ traffic light system, you can use a 1 – 10 scale which roughly matches up with the pain scale used in medicine. Here’s a loose interpretation of it:

Tone of voice

In addition to having a safeword, you can also make your partner easier to read by having them speak to you during a scene. You might get them to count the number of cane strokes they take, thank you repeatedly for whatever terrible thing you’re doing to them, or read from a set text while you fuck or spank them, as per that one film with Maggie Gyllenhaal.

This is something you can use in addition to a safeword, rather than instead of one – but having the receiving partner speak constantly throughout a scene (and actually listening to their tone of voice) makes it pretty unlikely that you’ll ever need to use a safeword.

Safegestures

Sometimes a spoken safeword isn’t going to be a viable option. Perhaps your beloved’s mouth is full of ball gag, or cock, or piss, or a dildo. Perhaps they’re being smothered by your genitals.

In these situations you should agree on a safegesture instead. This might be as simple as them tapping on your leg when they need some relief. They could also click their fingers, shake their head, or simply go limp.

You can go one step further with a failsafe safegesture. This is usually an object that they hold in their hand which will make a significant noise if dropped… but you can also purchase buzzers which require constant pressure to keep them from sounding.

The point in these failsafe setups is that they still work even if the subject loses consciousness. If you’re doing breathplay or anything similarly dangerous, a failsafe safegesture is something you should consider.

Stop signs

As well as safewords you can also agree on some other stop signs. A stop sign is an involuntary response your partner might have during play that you both agree means you should stop. Here are some examples.

• Crying
• Becoming silent or nonresponsive
• Puking
• Pissing themselves
• Shaking uncontrollably

Emotions about using your safeword

Like anything involving our messy, difficult human bodies, safewording during play can often come with feelings attached. I’m no expert on feelings (I’m a boy, after all), but here are some of the most common ones that crop up around safeword stuff.

I don’t want to safeword because it will ruin the scene

Nah, mate. By using your safeword you’re stopping the scene, not ruining it. In fact, you’re preventing it from being ruined. Most decent tops/doms would consider it a pretty bad scene if they accidentally pushed you beyond where you wanted to go. Safewording is a way to help them avoid doing just that.

Of course, it feels a bit weird to stop things dead right in the middle of an intense scene. But, if you and your partner are chill about it, the use of a safeword doesn’t have to = the end of a scene. You can stop, talk over what the problem is, take a rest, eat a Twix, and start again a little bit more cautiously.

This goes for tops/doms too. If someone uses their safeword with you, be cool. It’s no big deal, so don’t make it one. Just stop what you’re doing, take a break, talk over what happened, and get back in the water once you both feel ready to.

I feel bad because my partner safeworded

Don’t. If you’ve agreed a safeword with your partner it means you’re exploring some pretty fruity territory, and doing the kinds of things that not every couple gets to do. Inevitably there are going to be moments when you need to use the safeguards you’ve put in place to help you both navigate this dangerous, unpredictable sexy landscape.

By safewording they are being honest, and looking after both themselves and you. Knowing that they feel able to explore dangerous waters with you (and to call for help with their safeword when needed) should be a source of happiness and comfort.

Not having a safeword is hot

You’re right. It is. And – if you know and trust your partner enough – deciding that safewords won’t be a part of your play is a viable option.

Of course, you should consider that it’s still possible that things will go wrong at some point during your play. Before deciding to go without safewords you should be 100% certain that 100% of the time you’ll be able to tell just from looking at and listening to your partner when they need to stop.

No matter who you’re sleeping with, how long you’ve been sleeping with them, and what type of sex you’re having — if you’re not feeling it anymore, you’re allowed to tap out at any point, for any reason. While it’s important to discuss consent and knowing what you and your partner(s) are comfortable with before turning up the heat, knowing something like how to decide on a safe word can be a great way to keep everyone safe and comfortable during sex.

«A safe word is a word selected by sexual partners together that when used indicates one partner would like to pause sexual activity for any reason,» McKenna Maness, sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP), tells Elite Daily. «Perhaps sex got too intense, or the partner is physically uncomfortable or in more pain than they would like to be, or roleplaying crossed into something less desirable for that person, they’re overstimulated— in any of these cases, the partner who would like to stop can say their safe word and the other partner would know that it is time to stop immediately and check in!»

Although having a safe word can be a tool for communicating with your partner(s), it it no way means that partner(s) are allowed to skip the boundary convo or try something new without first getting consent. «It should not be your goal to make someone use their safe word. A safe word exists for reasons of safety. Boundaries are made for a reason and not everyone likes theirs’ pushed. At the same time, it does not make you weak to safe word out,» Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional says.

«Safe words» have roots within the BDSM community and are often associated with more kinky types sex. Additionally, expressing when you’re not feeling something or need a time out, can be useful in all types of sexual activity — from bondage and role play, to gentle spooning and basic missionary. Whether you’re going at it and your legs are in a weird position so it kind of hurts, or you want to check to make sure your contraceptive is in place, a «safe word» is nothing more than a signal that you need to stop and check in.

«You always have the right to stop whatever you and your partner(s) are doing to each other for any reason — communication is key and safe words facilitate that!» Maness says. If you just got your IUD replaced or you’ve had the worst day ever and can’t stop thinking about your terrible coworker Shannon, you may not realize that you’re not trying to have sex tonight until you’ve started to have sex. Safe words, then, are like an immediate «eject button» from sex, without feeling pressure to explain what you’re feeling in the moment, before winding down the physical touching or expressing everything on your mind to your partner(s).

When choosing a safe word, it may be helpful to pick a universal phrase — like traffic light colors. «It’s easier to remember the difference between yellow and red even when in the depths of sub space,» Jeans says. «You can add words like ‘Red Stop’ to end completely as opposed to just “Red” to stop what you are currently doing.» If your first grade teacher ever used a paper traffic light as a public-shame discipline system (I’m triggered) or if you’ve ever been in a moving vehicle, it’s easy to remember that «Red means stop.» Words like traffic light colors, that hold deep cultural significance can be great choices for a safe word, as you’re unlikely to forget them.

If you’re not a big talker during sex or a verbal safe word doesn’t feel comfortable, Maness suggests incorporating a physical «safe word» or a physical signal that you need a time out. Yet, like a safe word, a physical tap-out should be a motion you wouldn’t otherwise do during sex. «Maybe tapping your partner’s shoulder or winking, a peace sign or crossed fingers — as long as they will see it and understand it,» Maness says.

If you’re someone who likes to laugh or joke during sex, it may be a good fit for you and your partner(s) to choose a funny safe word. «My safe word is ‘Mike Pence’ because that would make someone stop dead in their tracks during a scene to question what was going on —plus I do like a safe word that makes me giggle,» Jean says. Although humor may play an important role, Jean also speaks to the importance of finding a word that’s memorable and literally easy to say. «When choosing a safe word, it’s important that it is something you can easily remember and say. It should be a word that would likely not come up within play or a word you don’t say very often. (I rarely would use Mike Pence’s name in my sexy times.) Mike Pence is also an easy two syllable punch.»

Maness too agrees that choosing a safe word ideally means picking something unforgettable. «It has to be something you will absolutely be sure to remember during sex. If you are single or non-monogamous, you can choose one just for yourself and communicate it before sex, and if you have a partner you consistently hook up with, whatever that looks like for you, you can decide together what to use,» Maness says. «It could be parachute. It could be persimmon. It could be shovel. Just make sure it’s memorable and you both/all know what it means.»

Maness also suggests thinking about a word you wouldn’t otherwise say when having sex. Something completely random like an inanimate object, an inside joke, or something otherwise unfamiliar to the communication you and your partner(s) typically have during sex. Though it may feel right to have your safe word be something silly or totally random, using it is a serious move. «Using a safe word — even with a long term partner — has a certain weight to it that other words do not. A safe word means business. It means slow the f*ck down and check in with your person,» Jean says.

Of course just like finding the right safe word for you, understanding exactly what your safe word will mean is another important conversation. «It’s important to set forth what the safe word or signal means too— usually it means ‘stop now’ but you could also ask your partner to give you physical space when you use it, or tell them you want comfort and aftercare at the point where you use it,» Maness says. «Using a safe word is revoking consent in that moment. Your partner shouldn’t take offense, or be upset or hurt. You aren’t necessarily ending the sex permanently, although if you are that’s fine too.»

If using a safe word means your boundaries were crossed, you may want to further discuss with your partner how you’re feeling and what you need to feel comfortable and safe when having sex. Your safe word could mean anything from, «Your knee is knocking into my hip and it kinda hurts can we switch positions» to «I don’t like where this is going, we need to stop». Having an open dialogue with your partner about what your safe word means and how it will be used is just as important as choosing the right word for you. «It’s a great tool that just requires honest/open conversation,» Maness says.

If you are thinking about the right safe word for you, take time to ponder your personal boundaries, preferences, and the types of sex you do and (maybe more importantly) do not want to be having. During any sexual encounter — a LTR, one night stand, or super hot orgy with ninety people — the most important thing factor is active consent. When it comes to deciding on a safe word, you get to choose how it’s used, when it’s used, and what it means.

Safe words: what are they, why do we need them, and what are good safe word ideas? If you’re having sex that’s in any way “non-vanilla”, you need one. Here’s our beginner’s guide to choosing them and why they’re so important.

What is a safe word?

Safe words are an essential part of BDSM and kink language.

They are a clear, direct, and pre-agreed upon way for you to immediately stop sexual play. The moment you’re not happy with what’s happening, you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or like it’s too intense, you say the word or do the non-verbal signal and all action has to stop. This can be during touching, talk, sex, role-play, or anything else.

After it’s been said, you need to check in with each other about what went wrong and then both agree to resume play.

What is a safe word for? Pre agreed-upon safe words and signals are necessary because in some situations, like role-play, words like “no” and actions like pushing someone away are part of the scenario, and don’t mean stop.

Don’t worry about your partner being offended or disappointed. Don’t think you’re not “good enough” or that you can’t “handle” something if you use a safe word. Everyone has different limits and stuff they like. Your sexual partner wants you to feel satisfied, so they want you to let them know the moment this isn’t happening!

Safety is sexy. Seriously

Despite what people think, wild, freaky, kinky sex isn’t about totally losing your inhibitions. Sex can only be these things in an environment where everyone feels safe and knows they’re able to stop.

That’s why BDSM and other kinky play is based on Safe, Sane, Consensual principles. These principles let you fall into sexual play and experience new realms of pleasure, sensation, and psychological satisfaction.

What is a safe word? Something that lets both of you relax. Neither of you has to wonder if the other person is having a good time because they enable you to easily speak up the moment you’re not having fun.

They’re used more often than you think

Safe words and signals aren’t just for people doing BDSM dungeon stuff. If you’re doing anything that has the potential to cross your boundaries, use a safe word. Experimenting with light choking, spanking, or a new fetish? Use one!

Verbal vs Non-verbal safe words

Safe words can be actual words, like “taco” or “red”. However, sexual play sometimes involves your mouth being… otherwise occupied. You might be exploring gagging or choking, have a body part in your mouth, or be in a role play that involves you not speaking.

So, what’s a good safe word for when you can’t talk?

If these situations occur, you need a non-verbal signal, like a wrestler who requests a time-out of play by tapping out. Common non-verbal signals are tapping, pinching, or snapping your fingers.

What makes a good signal? Safe word ideas and choosing signals

Looking for safe word ideas?

Overall, a good safe word is one you and your partner both agree on. It goes without saying, but they should not be anything that could be confused for anything normally said or done during sex. Like a back scratch, moan, or oh please.

Some safe word ideas are more popular than others. The traffic light system is popular because it’s clear, simple, and memorable. In the traffic light system, “green” means keep going, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop right now.

However, you and your partner can alter each word’s specific meaning to suit you.

Other popular safe word ideas are fruits, animals (especially magical ones), sports, celebrities, and favorite fictional characters. Feel free to pick whatever feels good: pineapple, unicorn, hockey, Britney, Harry Potter…

Safe words should be easy to pronounce and remember

Generally, safe words shouldn’t be complicated. They should be a word that is familiar to you both and easy to articulate, so you’ll be able to say it in the heat of the moment. These can be anything from “safe” to “latte”.

They should be a word you feel comfortable saying

For some people, the funnier and sillier a safe word is, the better. If you’re wondering about safe word ideas, pick a word that’s on the tip of your tongue! Nouns are good because when you say the word, the visual image of the object comes to mind. Think umbrella, boat, poodle…

And it helps if it kills the mood…

Given that safe words are designed to make sex stop, it helps if they kill the mood. For some people, that means choosing “grandma”… Of course, another word might suit you better!

That is our essential guide to choosing good safe words! If you’re looking for more safe word ideas, look at the objects around you, think of a word you enjoy pronouncing, or an object that makes you laugh.

As long as your partner and you discuss it first, alongside desires, boundaries, and worries, you’re ready to have that wild, freaky, kinky time you deserve! Don’t forget, safe words make the fun more fun.

I don’t worry about my children being abducted when they’re playing in our front yard like I do the possibility of abuse they may encounter at some point in their childhood.

The chances of my children being kidnapped are very unlikely compared to statistics that say 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be the victim of a form of abuse before the age of 18 while the unlikely chance of abduction is 1 in 300,000.

Child abuse in 90% of cases is perpetrated by someone known to the family. It could be a family member, relative, friend, friend’s sibling, teacher, coach and other close to your child. You may think this won’t happen to you, but statistically, it could and it might.

In our home, we discuss unsafe people, safety rules, body safety and unsafe situations but one of the most important tools we have is the use of a FAMILY SAFE WORD.

A safe word is a word only our immediate family knows – not relatives, not friends – and is not a common word that we would use in our everyday lives such as puppy, soccer or milk. It’s a word that is not commonly used although it is memorable, but if our children were to use it, it would immediately draw our attention.

Be sure not to pick a safe word that is difficult for children to remember. They will remember “cotton candy,” “banana split,” or “pineapple,” even as they get older, but they may not remember “blue faced parrot” or “Farmer John and his cow.”

Do not share your safe word with people outside of your family, even grandparents.

I know in our family we don’t keep secrets because they can lead to unsafe scenarios, but we tell our kids that a Safe Word isn’t a secret, it’s just a special code word only for our family to know and use in threatening situations. Unsafe people and situations are considered a threatening situation and something as parents, we want our kids to tell us about immediately.

The purpose of a safe word is for children to go to their parents when they are uncomfortable talking about these unsafe feelings, unsafe people, unsafe requests, unsafe touching, and unsafe situations and need immediate help.

A safe word gives kids a word to use, when they can’t find their own words.

For example, if you are at a friend’s BBQ and your child is with an adult who is making inappropriate conversations and requests of your son, your child can come to you, tell you the safe word regardless if you are alone or standing around in a group with your friends – you will know exactly what they are disclosing and can respond immediately.

Children can have a hard time disconcerting unsafe situations and requests, especially from people they believe they can trust such as relatives and family friends.

Be sure to discuss situational role-playing so that children grasp what types of things improper and unsafe touching, talking, requests, environments and situations constitute.

Remember that these conversations aren’t a one-time thing.

Discuss the topic of body and people safety with your kids regularly so they retain and understand what is appropriate and what is unsafe, especially as they mature and their environments change based on their age such as sleepovers, overnight trips, play dates at friend’s or relatives houses and when they are away from their parents.

Be sure to discuss with your children that predators are great at manipulating children and may try to pry the safe word from them in conversation or with guessing games.

Under no circumstance, unless it’s the child’s parents, brother or sister should the safe word be used. If someone is trying to get you to tell them your safe word, they are a tricky person and not to be trusted and the parents should be told immediately.

Want More? 

• What Happened to Our Daughter and Why We Created a Safe Word
• Educating Children on Body Safety
• Warning Signs of Physical, Sexual and Emotional Abuse
• Safety Rules Every Child Should Know
• Identifying a Predator and Protecting Your Kids
• 10 Prevention Tips for Parents