a safeword is a word (mainly used in BDSM — bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism) that bottoms use when the painful pleasure starts to genuinely hurt, or what tops use if they think they’re being too harsh.
A safeword is generally a word that isn’t something you would say during sex, for example, various fruits (like apple or orange); large numbers (like 73 or 460); different shapes (like a heptagon or a tetracontakaiheptagon); extinct animals (like a dinosaur or a quagga); et cetera.
A safeword is never «please stop,» «I can’t take it,» or «it hurts,» and this is because the masochist (or bottom) says these things to express that the sadist (or top) is doing a good job.
A safeword shouldn’t be a simple word, because sometimes the word will be forgotten. A longer and more complicated word can be said, and the other will notice that it’s the safeword, even if it has not been established. If you haven’t set a safeword and it’s too much for you, then just think of a random word, like a phobia, or an unnecessarily long name for a color, or anything. You can even just say «safeword» and that should be enough.
Safewords should always be discussed with your other partner(s) because it’s a very important thing to talk about. You can even bring it up during intercourse because it’s a normal thing to ask «what’s the safeword again?» and it will be fine. if you feel shy about asking, then don’t be. you should be comfortable with your partner.
sub: Hey, what’s the safeword again?
dom: I don’t know, what about ballpoint pen?
sub: i’ll try to remember that, i guess
—
fiveteen min later
—
sub: (forgets the safeword) …safeword!!
dom: did you forget the safeword?
sub: yeah, i did, sorry
dom: it’s okay 
sub:
and they lived happily ever after 
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A safeword conserns BDSM sexual acts. In BDSM, begging to stop increases pleasure and reality. A safeword is used to actually mean «stop», since screams for stop aren’t sincere. The safeword is usually a normal word, like «pink», «banana», or «door» and is determined before starting play.
Jan: Tonight’s safeword is «music».
Rob: Oh no! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Jan: Ooh, you’ve been a naughty boy.
Rob: Please, I’m begging you!
…
Rob: Music.
Jan: Alright, enough for tonight you filthy boy.
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A safe word is used to interrupt a scene during sex, mostly in BDSM relationships. Usually words entirely unrelated to the situation, such as «red, banana, shelf, chair» etc, are used as safe words. A safe word is important for both submissive and dominant partners to create a safe and comfortable space for everyone involved.
Dom: *smacks partner*
Sub: «BANANA! (safeword) That’s too hard.»
Dom: *smacks partner*
Sub: *yelps*
Dom: «RED! (safeword) I feel bad/guilty for hitting you like that.»
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This article is about the use of safewords in BDSM. For their use in contact sports, see Safeword (sports). For the television game show, see Safeword (game show).
In BDSM, a safeword is a code word, series of code words or other signal used by a person to communicate their physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary.[1] Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity.
Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.[2] The most common safeword system is the «traffic light» system, in which «red» means «stop», «amber» or «yellow» means «proceed with caution», and «green» means «more, please!»[3]
Some couples may feel that they do not need a safeword, depending on the practices involved, since the role of a safeword is filled by usual forms of communication. Less commonly, some couples may agree to abandon the use of safewords including the ability to withdraw consent altogether, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or those in Master/slave relationships. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or submissive. This practice is usually called consensual non-consent and often considered controversial.[4][5]
References[edit]
- ^ «Beyond Safe Words: When Saying ‘No’ in BDSM Isn’t Enough». Broadly. Archived from the original on 30 May 2016. Retrieved 22 April 2016.
- ^ Clark, Tracy (29 January 2012). «When safe words are ignored». Salon.com. Archived from the original on 27 April 2013. Retrieved 29 April 2013.
- ^ Gilmour, Paisley (17 September 2018). «Everything you need to know about using safewords». Cosmopolitan. Retrieved 28 December 2020.
- ^ Bauer, R. (28 October 2014). Queer BDSM Intimacies: Critical Consent and Pushing Boundaries. Springer. ISBN 9781137435026. Archived from the original on 23 November 2016. Retrieved 22 November 2016 – via Google Books.
- ^ David J. Ley (2 February 2021). «Consensual Non-Consent: Exploring Challenging Boundaries». Psychology Today. Retrieved 3 January 2023.
What Is a Safe Word and How Does It Work?
Understanding How Safe Words Work
For some people, sex is a physical matter, a question of bodies, touches, sensations. But for many of us, there’s a distinct psychological component. We want sex to have a narrative, for there to be a story, a history, or a dynamic between the participants.
And while that dynamic can often be a positive one, sometimes, that dynamic is extra sexy when it’s a bit more complicated. In the real world, teachers aren’t supposed to seduce their students; doctors aren’t supposed to feel up their patients. But in sexy roleplaying, all the rules can go out the window.
One way that can happen is for the rules of sexual consent to change. That’s the premise of something called consensual non-consent, or CNC, where participants can enact scenes of assault, abuse or even rape in a way that’s consensual and exciting for everyone involved.
RELATED: What Is Sexual Consent?
But regardless of whether you’re familiar with CNC as such, if you do any kind of rough play in bed, it’s not a bad idea to understand safe words — a key component of having a good, healthy, and, well, safe experience. In order to better understand how they work, AskMen spoke to three sex experts about safe words, how to choose a good one, non-verbal forms of safe words, and more. Here’s what they had to say.
What Is a Safe Word?
“A safe word is a word you use to indicate that you’ve reached your limits and you want to stop play,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast. “When you say your safe word, play partners should stop what they’re doing and check in.”
“In BDSM and kink, the word ‘no’ or ‘stop’ can sometimes be part of the fun, and isn’t always an indication someone really wants to stop,” says Kayla Lords, kink educator and co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “A safe word or gesture is something that doesn’t fit with the scene and reduces confusion about what a person means.”
“Depending on the context, a safe word can be a word, phrase, sound, or even a hand or foot motion,” that is “agreed upon before engaging in sexual activity,” says Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment and creator of the Headero app. “A safe word’s purpose is to signal clearly and unambigously that the person using the safe word no longer feels safe, no longer consents to continue engaging in the sexual engagement or activity, or both.”
However, as Lords notes, “If no safe word is agreed upon, then ‘no’ and ‘stop’ should always be taken seriously.”
Because of their association with rough or kinky sex, safe words may be seen as risqué by some, but Quaderer sees them in a very positive light.
“It’s important to remember that, because safe words exist to ensure safety and consent throughout a sexual engagement, they are actually a gateway to all sorts of exciting, uplifting and joyful sexual adventures,” says Quaderer. “They enable you to explore your interests with your partner(s) in a safe, consenting environment. And realizing that is incredibly liberating! A safe word is a license to get your freak on while knowing that you’re doing right by yourself and your partner(s).”
How Do You Use a Safe Word?
In an ideal world, a safe word would be something that never gets used. Everyone’s sex would unfold exactly the way they wanted it to, and it would never feel unsafe, scary, concerning or even the least bit off. But we don’t live in that world, sadly, and the safe word is like a lifeboat — you don’t want to have to use it, but having one is a lot better than not having one.
“Safe words can be used when something goes wrong — for example, a bondage tie leads to numbness, a sexual position becomes painful — or when a partner has had too much and reached their limit,” says Lords. “They may also be used when something doesn’t feel right, even if the partner using the safe word hopes to continue. They’re most often used by bottom or submissive partners, but tops and dominant partners can also use a safe word.”
“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” says O’Reilly. “Good play partners will pay attention to your safe word and honor your limits. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing or opt to stop playing altogether.”
Lords agrees that safe words “can also give you a moment to pause, adjust, and start the moment over — either by doing something different or simply adjusting your kinky moment or body position.”
“While safe words are most commonly used in BDSM and other kink settings it’s healthy to set a safe word in all sexual engagements, regardless of whether BDSM or kink are part of your anticipated activities,” says Quaderer. “Having a safe word is an important way to ensure that everyone in a given sexual engagement is down with the scene throughout, so it definitely applies to all sexual settings.”
That being said, Lords says, “Safe words aren’t a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”
“Often our partners give off signals that something is wrong — body language, facial expressions, sounds they’re making or lack of noise (if they’re usually verbal during sex or kink),” she explains. “It’s the responsibility of the partner who notices something is wrong (in most cases, the top or dominant) to stop and check in to make sure everything is OK.”
As Lords points out, “‘They never said their safe word’ doesn’t fully absolve a partner of harm, especially If you notice distress and didn’t stop to ask.”
“Safe words are imperfect because it’s easy to forget them when you’re not used to using them, and because there may be an awkward feeling regarding stopping the scene,” she says. “Some people worry they’ll ruin the mood if they use a safe word and try to endure something that’s causing harm — physical, mental, or emotional. There’s no shame in using a safe word, but that’s why check-ins are important. What ruins a mood is finding out one partner was miserable after the fact — or having such a bad experience you never want to do it again.”
Coming Up With Safe Words
Random Words
“Most people pick a word that is easy to remember, but that you wouldn’t usually use during a scene (or any type of sex play),” says O’Reilly. “For example, ‘stop’ might seem like a good safe word, but you may use ‘stop’ as part of your sex play (e.g. in scenes that involve consensual non-consent), so it may not be a good fit.”
As Quaderer puts it, “safe words need to be easily communicated and unlikely to otherwise be used in your sexual engagement.” In short, you want to pick something that will sound out of place or weird during a sexual moment, so it can jar your partner into stopping.
Lords says that words like “elephant, eggplant, or pineapple” are popular; Quaderer suggests “handsome octopus.” Regardless, it should be something that both partners agree will work in context, but as Quaderer says, “Agreeing on a safe word can be a fun and somewhat silly activity for you and your partner(s).”
Still, he says, “If you’re getting into a BDSM scene and one person is going to be gagged, you probably don’t want to choose a long word or phrase — rather a specific vocalization or hand motion might be better. But if that’s the case, make sure you’ve practiced and that your safe word is unmistakable. Consent and safety are far too essential to risk miscommunication or misunderstanding.”
Stoplight System
On the other hand, you could use a traffic light or stoplight system. In this system, O’Reilly says, “Red means stop what you’re doing. Yellow means you’re close to approaching your limits. Green means go — you’re liking and would like a bit more intensity (however you’ve defined this in your pre-play discussions).”
“We use the traffic light method as a system to check-in during BDSM play,” says Lords. “My partner will ask for a color, and my answer tells him how I feel about what we’re doing. This is a good tool to use in addition to simply using ‘red’ as a safe word. Some people forget to use their safe word or they get nervous about their partner’s reaction. Being asked to provide an answer can be a way to prevent mistakes and make it easier for a partner to make the moment stop.”
Safe Gestures
As Lords notes, verbal isn’t the only way to go.
“Sometimes a partner is gagged and can’t speak,” she says. “Sometimes they’re unable to speak or find speech difficult in these moments. A gesture or signal can be used in place of a word. Snapping, stomping feet, dropping an item you were holding are all examples of safe word gestures or signals.”
Again, it’s important to agree on a sign ahead of time, and to have backup ones for contexts where your partner won’t be able to speak and/or may not be able to move certain body parts.
O’Reilly, who also suggests pinching your partner as a possible safe gesture, says “A snap of the fingers may not work in a loud room if your hands are bound behind your back, so you may choose to hold a bell or squeaky toy that is easily audible.”
“You can also agree to a series of codes,” she adds. “(e.g. a thumbs up means increase intensity, pressure, speed, depth whereas, a thumbs down might indicate a desire to decrease the intensity.)”
Extra Safe Word Tips
Practice Using Them in Non-Sexual Contexts
As Lords noted above, someone might hesitate to use a safe word if they’re not used to doing it. So practicing in non-sexual, comfortable contexts can be very useful. As well, she suggests that, “before you get sexy or kinky, remind each other what the safe word is. ‘OK, what’s the safe word?’ ‘It’s [fill in the blank].’”
As well, Lords suggests encouraging each other to use the safe word prior to getting into things, that way it’s fresh in both of your minds.
Check in During Sex
“Check-in with your partner during your kink scene,” says Lords. She says phrases like “‘Does this feel good? Can I keep going?’ or ‘Give me a color’ can all be sexy depending on your tone of voice, if you’re worrying about killing the mood.”
RELATED: Clever Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions
“If a partner asks for a color or checks in and asks how their partner is doing, they should stop if they get no response,” Lords adds. “It might be that their partner is incapable of speech — which means they’re incapable of advocating for themselves or withdrawing consent if necessary. Stop all play/sex until you’re sure they’re able to and want to continue.”
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Safe words: what are they, why do we need them, and what are good safe word ideas? If you’re having sex that’s in any way “non-vanilla”, you need one. Here’s our beginner’s guide to choosing them and why they’re so important.
What is a safe word?
Safe words are an essential part of BDSM and kink language.
They are a clear, direct, and pre-agreed upon way for you to immediately stop sexual play. The moment you’re not happy with what’s happening, you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or like it’s too intense, you say the word or do the non-verbal signal and all action has to stop. This can be during touching, talk, sex, role-play, or anything else.
After it’s been said, you need to check in with each other about what went wrong and then both agree to resume play.
What is a safe word for? Pre agreed-upon safe words and signals are necessary because in some situations, like role-play, words like “no” and actions like pushing someone away are part of the scenario, and don’t mean stop.
Don’t worry about your partner being offended or disappointed. Don’t think you’re not “good enough” or that you can’t “handle” something if you use a safe word. Everyone has different limits and stuff they like. Your sexual partner wants you to feel satisfied, so they want you to let them know the moment this isn’t happening!
Safety is sexy. Seriously
Despite what people think, wild, freaky, kinky sex isn’t about totally losing your inhibitions. Sex can only be these things in an environment where everyone feels safe and knows they’re able to stop.
That’s why BDSM and other kinky play is based on Safe, Sane, Consensual principles. These principles let you fall into sexual play and experience new realms of pleasure, sensation, and psychological satisfaction.
What is a safe word? Something that lets both of you relax. Neither of you has to wonder if the other person is having a good time because they enable you to easily speak up the moment you’re not having fun.
They’re used more often than you think
Safe words and signals aren’t just for people doing BDSM dungeon stuff. If you’re doing anything that has the potential to cross your boundaries, use a safe word. Experimenting with light choking, spanking, or a new fetish? Use one!
Verbal vs Non-verbal safe words
Safe words can be actual words, like “taco” or “red”. However, sexual play sometimes involves your mouth being… otherwise occupied. You might be exploring gagging or choking, have a body part in your mouth, or be in a role play that involves you not speaking.
So, what’s a good safe word for when you can’t talk?
If these situations occur, you need a non-verbal signal, like a wrestler who requests a time-out of play by tapping out. Common non-verbal signals are tapping, pinching, or snapping your fingers.
What makes a good signal? Safe word ideas and choosing signals
Looking for safe word ideas?
Overall, a good safe word is one you and your partner both agree on. It goes without saying, but they should not be anything that could be confused for anything normally said or done during sex. Like a back scratch, moan, or oh please.
Some safe word ideas are more popular than others. The traffic light system is popular because it’s clear, simple, and memorable. In the traffic light system, “green” means keep going, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop right now.
However, you and your partner can alter each word’s specific meaning to suit you.
Other popular safe word ideas are fruits, animals (especially magical ones), sports, celebrities, and favorite fictional characters. Feel free to pick whatever feels good: pineapple, unicorn, hockey, Britney, Harry Potter…
Safe words should be easy to pronounce and remember
Generally, safe words shouldn’t be complicated. They should be a word that is familiar to you both and easy to articulate, so you’ll be able to say it in the heat of the moment. These can be anything from “safe” to “latte”.
They should be a word you feel comfortable saying
For some people, the funnier and sillier a safe word is, the better. If you’re wondering about safe word ideas, pick a word that’s on the tip of your tongue! Nouns are good because when you say the word, the visual image of the object comes to mind. Think umbrella, boat, poodle…
And it helps if it kills the mood…
Given that safe words are designed to make sex stop, it helps if they kill the mood. For some people, that means choosing “grandma”… Of course, another word might suit you better!
That is our essential guide to choosing good safe words! If you’re looking for more safe word ideas, look at the objects around you, think of a word you enjoy pronouncing, or an object that makes you laugh.
As long as your partner and you discuss it first, alongside desires, boundaries, and worries, you’re ready to have that wild, freaky, kinky time you deserve! Don’t forget, safe words make the fun more fun.
safe word — перевод на русский
And if, for some reason, they do, the submissive is allowed to use the safe word and discontinue the pain.
А, если такое происходит, сабмиссив может использовать стоп-слово и все прекратить.
Somebody needs a safe word.
Кому-то понадобится стоп-слово.
— A safe word.
— Стоп-слово.
Look, I think we need a safe word, okay?
Послушай, думаю нам нужно стоп-слово, согласна?
Do you know our safe word?
-Ты знаешь наше стоп-слово?
Показать ещё примеры для «стоп-слово»…
You know what, we should probably have a safe word, right, you know, so I know what your limits are?
Знаешь, наверное, нужно выбрать кодовое слово, ну, чтобы я знал, когда, нужно остановиться?
I didn’t even say the safe word.
Я даже не сказала кодовое слово.
Casey, I heard the safe word.
Кейси! Я услышал кодовое слово.
What’s the safe word?
Какое кодовое слово?
Keep an ear out for my safe word.
Жди мое кодовое слово.
Показать ещё примеры для «кодовое слово»…
And this is why we have the safe word.
Именно по этому у нас есть секретное слово.
The «safe word»?
«Секретное слово»?
Safe word!
Секретное слово!
It’s a safe word.
Это секретное слово.
And if he wigs me out, I’ll give you my safe word.
И если он побьёт меня, я скажу тебе моё секретное слово.
Показать ещё примеры для «секретное слово»…
Oh, and before we get started, what’s your safe word?
О, и прежде, чем мы начнем… Какое у тебя безопасное слово?
My safe word is «bread basket.»
Моё безопасное слово корзина для хлеба.
Well, make sure he knows the safe word.
Убедись, что он знает безопасное слово.
Just tell me the safe word.
Просто скажи мне безопасное слово.
Remember our safe word.
Вспомни своё безопасное слово.
Показать ещё примеры для «безопасное слово»…
What was your safe word with her?
И какое же слово было у вас с ней?
What do you think our safe word, should be?
— Какое слово используем для пароля?
If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word.
Если в любое время возбуждение слишком нарастёт, просто скажи это слово.
That was judge Crane’s role play safe word.
Это было секретным словом судьи Крейна.
Safe words are for pussies.
«Стоп— слова» для слабаков.
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BDSM — an meta-acronym that stands for «Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; and Sadism and Masochism» — is a large group of sexual practices that often go well beyond the borders of «vanilla» (normal) sex.
In several of these practices, people want to not only go beyond the borders of vanilla sex; but also push their own limits or experience unsafe fantasies in a safe way. This can include what is called «consensual non-consent»: agreeing ahead of time to certain rules and limits to maintain safety while also allowing normal limits of consent to be ignored. The idea of this is to create the illusion of a person not being in control; while also allowing them the reality of being in control. A «normal» (for BDSM) case of this is acting out rape fantasies — allowing a person the illusion of being raped — without the actual risk of long-term physical or mental harm.
If you’re acting out a such a fantasy, you don’t want «Stop» to actually mean that everything stops — you want the «victim» to fight, protest, etc. so that they get the experience they are looking for. However, you also want there to be a way to actually stop everything if something goes wrong — if they actually get hurt, physically or mentally, for example. Since the normal range of words aren’t available — you want them to be part of the illusion — you pick a word that’s not going to be used normally. This «safe word» is an emergency stop.
…
Actually, the idea of an emergency stop is a good example. Imagine if you’re training people to deal with some kind of disaster or industrial accident — since I have some knowledge of it, I’m going to use the example of a naval ship taking damage. In the training scenarios, you need people to act realistically. This includes using a normal range of asking for help from other people in the scenario, people on the radio, etc. However, if something goes wrong in real life — say you’re dealing with a flooding compartment and someone is actually drowning, rather than just acting like they’re drowning — you need something that exists out of the training so that nobody actually gets harmed. For this, you need a «safe word»: some word that isn’t part of the training that stops the scenario.
…
In both the BDSM and training cases; a «safe word» is used when you’ve created some illusion that is meant to be threatening; but also need a way to exit out of the illusion if the illusion is creating some risk of real harm. You want the normal range of safe words — words like «stop» or «help» — to be part of the illusion, so you can’t use them as a «force quit the illusion» word.
And this is the broader reason for «safe words» — to create and maintain a safe but threatening illusion. For whatever reason, the people involved want to create an illusion of danger; but also want to ensure that they have a way to stay safe if the illusion of danger becomes real.
tl;dr: Safe words are a force-quit for when you want to pretend to be in danger, and then really get in danger.
Sometimes during arguments, even if we know exactly what we need to do, we have off days. Maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or maybe you got criticized at work. Preventing argument is never a smooth sail.
Wondering how to prevent arguments in a relationship?
There are many variables contributing to our mood and mental and emotional capacities that can cause us to not choose or be able to use our tools during arguments. So, what is there to do when you are being human and slip up, causing an escalation in a discussion? There are a few handy tools to utilize when you are aiming at preventing argument.
One tool that my husband and I used in our first year of marriage when stress was high and we were learning how to work with each other’s personalities and preventing argument, is the safe word. Now I must give credit where it is due and it was my hubby that came up with this brilliant idea.
It was used when our arguments would escalate to the point of no return. At that time in our lives, we were unable to de-escalate and needed a quick method to salvage the night and to not cause additional injury. Safe words for couples was our way to communicate with each other that it is time to stop the scene outright.
Decide on a ‘safe word’ that prevents escalation of arguments
The best way to develop and use this tool is to identify a negative pattern that has been difficult to break. Our negative pattern was escalating an argument until one of us was raising our voice or angrily walking away. Next, select a word together that isn’t likely to cause a negative pattern to continue. Good safe words are an invaluable tool to deescalate an argument.
We used the safe word “balloons” for preventing arguments. It was important to my husband to use a neutral word that can’t be taken in a negative way. Think about it, if some yells ‘balloons’ in an argument, no matter how he or she says it, it’s difficult to take offense to it.
What does safe word mean? A safe word lets the other person know that it’s time to take it easy or to stop when things get rough. What is a good safe word? A good safe word is a word or signal that lets the other person know the emotional state you are in and it draws a boundary before the other partner oversteps boundaries and things aggravate beyond repair.
Looking for some safe word suggestions? Some safe word ideas are saying out “red” since it denotes danger, or is more indicative of stopping. One of the safe word examples is to use something simple like a country name. Or alternately, you could snap your fingers or use non-threatening hand gestures. Some common safe words that work like magic are fruit names like, watermelon, banana or even kiwi!
A mutually agreed upon safe word helps the partner to understand it’s time to stop!
Establish a meaning behind the safe word
Now that you have a word in mind for preventing arguments, the next step is to develop the meaning behind it. For us, the word ‘balloons’ meant “we need to stop until we have both calmed down.” Lastly, discuss the rules behind it. Our rules were whoever states ‘balloons’, it’s the other person who has to initiate the conversation later.
A later time could not be more than a day later unless brought to the attention of the partner. With these rules being followed, we felt like our needs were addressed and the original argument could be resolved. So, to review negative pattern, word, the meaning of word and rules for its use.
Using this tool needs practice
This tool did not come easy in the beginning.
It took practice and emotional restraint to follow through with it for preventing argument. As we gradually improved our communication skills with this tool, we now have not even had to use it for a long time and our marriage satisfaction improved considerably. As you develop this for your own relationships, know that you can come up with multiple safe words for different scenarios and negative patterns that help in preventing argument. Try creating one tonight (before the argument).
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If you watched the Brit awards last night, you’ll have noticed Cheryl (Cole? Fernandez-Versini? Unclear) upstaging comedian Jack Whitehall with her quip about safe words.
‘She knows the safe word,’ said boyfriend Liam Payne. ‘What’s the safe word?’ asked Jack. ‘Don’t stop,’ replied Cheryl, deadpan.
God we love Cheryl.
Anyway, having watched this exchange you might be thinking that Cheryl is sassy AF, or you might be wondering what a safe word actually is. In the post-50 shades world, it’s a pretty common expression. Why?
Safe words started with the BDSM community. It’s a pre-agreed word which one partner can say if the experience is getting too much. The moment that a safe word is said, all the play stops and the dominant partner stops being dominant.
The idea is that the word protects the submissive partner from being hurt and protects the dominant partner from accidentally causing non-consensual harm.
It has become a more mainstream concept over the last decade and now couples use them even if they’re not suspending each other from the bedroom ceiling or stuffing stinging nettles in each other’s pants.
Safe words are great because they allow you to have fun and push boundaries, safe in the knowledge that you’ve got an exit route already planned out.
Having put a safe word in place also means that you’re free to say anything else, whether that’s ‘ouch’ ‘f**k you’ or ‘I hate you’ to the dominant partner, without them worrying that you really mean it.
How do you choose a safe word?
The most common safe word is ‘red’, as part of a traffic light system. It can be hard to verbalise how you’re feeling during kinky play, or even during sex. Using a colour system, green for ‘this is great, carry on’, yellow for ‘this is getting a bit much, procede with extreme caution’ and red ‘stop, right now’ makes life a lot easier.
Using a one word signal means not having to put thought into structuring a sentence or trying to be polite. It also makes things much easier for your partner.
Other people like to choose a word at random, either something meaningful to you as a couple, or something completely ridiculous. Anecdotally, flugelhorn is an extremely popular one.
If using a specific word feels a bit forced or makes you self conscious, using your partner’s name is another great way to introduce a safe word. You can agree that during play/sex you’ll use kinky honorifics (sir, mistress, ma’am, Daddy etc), but that if you use their name, everything should immediately stop.
Do safe words always work?
It’s important to remember that some activities can make it difficult to use a safe word. If you’ve gagged your partner, or you’re penetrating their mouth or sitting on their face, they’re not going to be able to verbalize. Lots of kinky people will also have a hand gesture to use in these scenarios.
Even if you’re not a kinky person, a safe word can be a really great added layer of protection of consent. Sometimes, during sex, you go off the idea, or things get too rough. Personally I’ve never felt confident enough to stop sex part way through, taking the view that I might as well grin and bear it.
Safe words are designed to prevent that situation, and it’s certainly a lot easier to tell someone to stop if you can do it in one word, rather than trying to explain exactly how you’re feeling and why.
That said, even if you have a safe word, you’re not exempt from caring about your partner’s wellfare. It doesn’t become their sole responsibility to use the safe word, you should still be paying close attention to their behaviour in order to make sure that you’re not overstepping boundaries.
If you’re experimenting with BDSM it’s really important that you talk about limits beforehand – both hard and soft – and that you agree on what activities are on the menu. And remember, just because someone consented to an action during your discussion, doesn’t mean they’re obliged to go through with it.
Kinky sex can be amazing, but what 50 Shades doesn’t show you is how much thought and negotiation it requires to get right.
It might not sound sexy, but it’s true, and at the end of the day, if you’re going to push boundaries in the bedroom you need to make sure you’re on the same page as the person you’re playing with. Otherwise it’s not kinky sex, it’s abuse.
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