What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.
What word starts with «E» and ends in «E» but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.
That’s odd.
2 word horror story
Prehensile dong
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.»
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit…
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Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
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Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.
He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher.
Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher.
…
What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?
Car
Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?
The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?
You are a total British person saying the word «can’t.»
Describe yourself in 3 words:
lazy
Three words that will most certainly ruin a man’s ego
«… are you in?»
What is the absolute best universal safe word?
«Meatloaf»
It immediately says «I would do anything for love…but I won’t do THAT!»
You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word «dairy»?
…I told him there’s no use crying over misspelled milk.
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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word «contagious» in a sentence.
Jenny puts her hand up and says «My mum says we should stay home when we’re sick incase we’re contagious.»
«That’s right» the teacher says, «Anyone else?»
Susie says «My grandma says a smile can be contagious.»
«Very good» says the teacher, «Anyone else?»
Little Johnny pu…
I like big words and I cannot
prevaricate.
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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.
Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.
Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words
I said «bad at counting»
Just heard my son speak his first words
where were you the last 14 years
What’s the Longest Word in English?
Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart
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Why did the US take the «u» out of words like «colour» and «honour»?
Because, fuck you, that’s why
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What’s that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?
Oh yeah, a werehouse
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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.
Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha…
I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word «Plethora»
It means a lot
76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral
A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”
As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.
Six.
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My friend claims there’s no word for excrement produced by male cattle.
I think that’s bullshit.
A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”
Policeman: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.
I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?
This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:
*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting «Boeing Boeing Boeing».
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, «I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.»
The distressed woman wailed, «Are you sure?»
«Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,» replied the vet.
«How can you be so sure?» she protested. I mean you haven’t done a…
There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.
After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff…
When I was a kid, my parents would always say «Excuse my French» after a swear word…
…I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
How old Mildred stopped gossiping.
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people’s business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
Once, she accused a …
Fun fact: «sugar» is the only word in the English language where «su-» makes a «sh» sound. . .
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
I don’t like the word «steal».
I prefer «buy none get one free».
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I confused the words Yakuza and jacuzzi.
Now I’m in hot water with the japanese mafia.
My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.
I replied “vague”
He asked, “can you elaborate?”
I said, “yes.”
As a hispanic, my first tattoo was the word “Mucho”
It means a lot to me.
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny «have you ever heard of the word contagious before?»
«Of course miss» Johnny replies «my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday».
«Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?»
«Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over …
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Three words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.
Before he …
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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel
This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary …
What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap
On my mom’s death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her
I told her … put in a good word for me.
Husband: «Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…»
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): «It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!»
Husband: «What?»
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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.
An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’. «Fucking get in there you cunt!» he says to himself and goes to the bar.
<…
i invented a new word!
its called plagiarism
In Italian, the word pizza is feminine
That’s why ordering pizza is referred to as “eating out”
Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword
Then 20 more without the sheath
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Word
During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men …
My wife screamed, «you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!»
I was taken aback… what a weird way to start a conversation.
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s…
Heavenly Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, «We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!»
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt…
I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.
But then Clippy said, «It looks like you’re trying to be funny.»
If your friend wants to say the word «motel» backwards,
letom.
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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got «I love you» tattooed on my penis.
She just shook her head and said, «There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth.»
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Words
There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**…
But few people can tell what the difference between them is.
To clarify:
**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask…
Word of the Bible
Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.
— fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada
Just found out that «Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh» isn’t a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am.
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…
I think that’s poor for four.
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Life in a nursing home
An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.
On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without…
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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
«If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?»
Mike replies: «Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.»
The teacher says: «That would be very rude and improper on your part.»
…
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office login, I will find you.
You have my word.
Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, «I know the whole truth» even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo…
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This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, «Honey, I’ll be right back.»
«Where are you going, coochy cooh?» asked the wife.
«I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a b…
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
— “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
— “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
— “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
— “Oh, okay!”
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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder…
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your full name.’
Agatha: ‘Agatha Louise Hewson.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your age’
Agatha: ‘I am 94 years old.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.’
<…
What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?
Oops!
(Shameless karma farming on cake day)
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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead.»
He shakes his head and thinks «I must have read that wrong.»
He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It’s Miraculous!»
He decides he has to see this so he pull…
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I
also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..
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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words
He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”
Words cannot describe how beautiful you are..
But numbers can: 2/10
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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland
The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, «I ask you a question, and if you do…
What are the magic words you say to get what you want?
I’m offended
Nine Words
Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.
This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.
Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<…
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were
I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Medellín kids
Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…
It’s the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art….
Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very…
While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow…
He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.
He walks upto the driver’s window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.
The old lady who is driving asks the cop, «Why have you pulled me over, sir?»
…
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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.
The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close…
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
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«Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?»
«NO DAD. It was fuck.»
What is the German word for a bra?
stoppenfromfloppen
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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.
Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a …
Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, «Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.»….
Sara always replied, «I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.»
One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, «Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.»
S…
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other?
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other? When a «fork» just works the same?
Then I realized «spooning» is the much better word.
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It just dawned on me that the «Honk if You’re Horny» bumper stickers are a play on words regarding honking the car HORN
And not just about having a high sex drive
Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?
Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.
«That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read.» She scolded. «Have you anything to say for yourself?»
«Just two words, miss,» I replied. «Go fuck yourself.»
I’m shit at maths, too.
Speaking words of wisdom
Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
If you can’t think of a word, say «I forgot the English word for it.»
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A woman was attending her husband’s funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.
The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, «Plethora.» He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, «Thanks. That means a lot.»
Step 1 — fool people into believing you’ve been chosen by God to spread his word
Step 2 — prophet
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Fishing or Sex?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
The first guy says:
«You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.»
The second g…
What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?
Aunt
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
Proper English
An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He’s about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.
«Dinnae drink oot the river, it’s foo o’ sheep pish!»
The Englishman look…
my son says he’s a small group of words that stand together to convey a concept
Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, «I’m going t…
A Nasty Divorce
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste…
Some word can have multiple meanings
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, «Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!» A pastor hears this and asks, «Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'» The boy responds, «Because I caught these fish at the local dam.» The pastor buys a couple fish, takes …
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Since we’re doing little Johnny jokes….
Little Johnny’s teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, «Who would like to share their story?»
Little Johnny’s hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. «Susie, why don’t you go first?»
Susie …
It’s important to develop a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
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Onestone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, «If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!»
The word got arou…
People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now…
I see why
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.
Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)
The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it’s started out as a great gig except for one glaring …
Spelling bee judge: «Your word is ‘seaward’.»
Contestant: «C-U-N…»
Judge: «DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.»
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The word «Boobs» is a three dimensional diagram
The «B» shows how they look from above, the «oo» how they look from the front and the «b» how they look from the side.
Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word «either»
One student insists it’s pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it’s pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. «Teacher, what’s the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?» The teacher blinks and says, «oy-ther will do.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Does anybody know what D word is?
It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher of little Johnny’s class asks the pupils if they can use the word ‘beautiful’ in a sentence…
A little boy sticks his hand up.
«Yes, Daniel»
«I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful», says Daniel.
«Very good, Daniel», smiles the teacher, «Anybody else?».
Veronica’s hand goes up. «I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr…
Bad bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words,…
A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years
[LONG]
After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’
The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.
After 20 years the head mo…
Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man…
Now they’ll have to pay him 20% more…
A blacksmith said to his new helper, «You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer.»
Those were his last words.
Free
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
«But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer.
«Okay,» says the bartender, «If you say you paid, you did.»
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word «definitely» in a sentence
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher says, «Johnny, that’s not a response to the question I asked.»
Johnny repeats, «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher gives in and says, «No — fart…
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Crocodile.
A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, …
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We love clever jokes here at LaffGaff and they don’t come any more ingenious than these clever wordplay jokes. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them too; after all, a good sense of humor is a sign you’re in good shape psychologically!
30 Best Play On Word Jokes
Here is a great collection of really clever wordplay jokes. Enjoy!
Armageddon
I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.
I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”
Norwegian Navy
The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.
So they can scan da navy in.
Big Red Mark
My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.
I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
Brake Fluid
I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
English Language
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
Cheap Skate
This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.
I thought “What a cheap skate.”
Lost Luggage
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Money In The Bank
I’m addicted to having money in the bank.
I really do suffer from withdrawals.
Restaurant Manager
I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.
Assistant Manager
I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.
It’s shift work.
Chest Hair
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Alphabet Soup
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…
Times new ramen!
Something Cuban
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Blank Screen
My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.
After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on.”
6 Cans Of Sprite
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
Angry Girlfriend
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Solar Eclipse
I tried using a colander to view the solar eclipse yesterday.
I think I’ve strained my eyes.
Full Dictaphone
I have a nagging, paranoid feeling that my dictaphone is close to full capacity.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
Learning Braille
I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.
I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.
History Of Palindromes
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Tree Planting
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.
To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
Hypnotist
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.
Time Machine
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
At The Bus Stop
A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.
He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”
Crashing App
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly so I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.
It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”
The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”
4D Printer
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?
Just give it time.
Star Wars Sweets
I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.
They’re all chewy.
Half Indian
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.
Ian.
Store Robbery
I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.
I guess that makes me an iWitness.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed this collection of clever wordplay jokes, be sure to check out the rest of the LaffGaff website for lots more funny jokes, including these:
What does killing a black person and saying the n-word have in common?
Black people do it all the time, but get mad when a white person does it.
My friend told me the word «gullible» is not in any dictionaries
I went to check and it was. I don’t know why he said that.
As a married man, I always get the last word in a conversation or argument with my wife.
Those words are usually, «Yes dear.»
I regret naming my daughter Alexa because of the popularity of the Amazon Echo. So we decided to change her name to something that will never be a popular word.
We’re trying to pick between Cortana and Bixby
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you and I will find you
You have my word.
This happened at a meeting with my boss:
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it!
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word.
I’m still using Office 2010 …
For lack of a better Word …
Want to hear a word I just made?
Plagiarism
I’ve spent the day in a German police station.
Word to the wise… Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.
Remember, marriage isn’t simply a word:
It’s a sentence.
What’s the most searched word on Bing?
Google
Punny
If the word ‘tomb’ is pronounced ‘toom’, and ‘womb’ is pronounced ‘woom’, shouldn’t ‘bomb’ be pronounced ‘boom’
The magic word
Daughter: Dad, do I get a new Iphone?
Dad: What’s the magic word?
Daughter: Larissa!
Dad: Larissa??
Daughter: yes, your affair!
Dad: Do you want a cover with your Iphone too?
«Indecisive» is my favourite word.
Actually, no it isn’t.
If I had to use one word to describe myself, it would be
Bad at following instructions.
A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.
That’s the word on the street at least.
At the spelling bee
Judge: Your word is «there.»
Me: In a sentence please.
Judge: They’re parking their car over there.
What is a word that starts with W.
Correct.
To the man who stole my Microsoft Office, I’m going to find you…..
….you have my WORD.
Can’t get pregnant
Stacy: I have to be very careful, i just can’t get pregnant now.
Tiffany: Didn’t your husband get a vasectomy?
Stacy: Exactly!
Edit: a word
Microsoft
Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?
Me : I excel at it
Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?
Me : word
Thanks for explaining the word «abundant» to me.
It means a lot.
Sure white people can’t say the n-word.
But at least we can say things like «Hey, Dad» or «Thanks for the warning, Officer.»
To the software thieves who robbed me last night.
Don’t think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.
Just want to thank you for explaining the word ‘many’ to me.
It means a lot.
Face is a four letter word…
But preface is a foreword letter…
Hey guys I made up a new word!
Plagiarism
«Your next spelling word is: beheaded.»
Can you use it in a sentence please?
«Sure, Kathy Griffin beheaded to the unemployment office.»
What’s the only word in the English language that is both a word and a sentence?
Marriage.
I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot…
But then I learned it meant something different.
I made up a new word today.
Plagiarism.
I was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay..
So I just submitted a picture instead.
A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist
So, he replaced the word «women» with «white, rich, republican women». The audience stopped complaining.
«Dad, how did you come up with my brother’s name, ‘Legab’?»
«Is it a variation of ‘Gabriel’ or something?»
«Ah… no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word».
«Oh… ok. Thanks, Dad!»
«You’re welcome, Lana».
Teacher: «Use the word dandelion in a sentence»
Student: «De cheetah is faster dandelion»
What’s an asymmetrical word, which means the same when spelt backwards?
— Nothing
The word queue does’t have 4 silent letters…
They are just waiting their turn.
EDIT
oh haha didN’t realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys 
is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?
Being white, I can’t say the N-word.
But I can say things like, «Thanks for the warning, Officer» and «Hi, Dad.»
These new editions of dictionaries are frustrating
Picked up a new copy and flipped through it to find a word I knew disappeared.
The next thing I found was disappointing
I used to own a Raven in Boston
It could speak English, but the only word it knew was «Car»
Boss: How good are you with spreadsheets?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word
I really love the word «earth»
It means the world to me.
What’s the Russian word for no Wi-Fi?
Interniet
I always say good night to my microwave every morning
I’m in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
EDIT:wrong word
I greeted the mailman at the door naked
He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.
Edit: a word
The problem with Bill Clinton
Is that he never learned harass was one word.
A English teacher says to a African student..
«okay you’re doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence» the student replies «ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion»
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word…
I will find you. You have my Word.
Sugar is the only word in English language in which «Su» is pronounced as «Shu».
I am pretty sure about it.
Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people?
Dad.
I may not be able to use by the «N» word…
But at least I can say things like «Hey Dad», and «Thanks for the warning Officer!».
The comedian made an entire audience laugh without speaking a single word
No joke
I haven’t said a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted…
I’ve finally understood the meaning of «politics»
It’s derived from «poly», the Greek word for «many», and «tics», a blood sucking parasite.
How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?
Get another old lady to say «BINGO!»
Romeo & Juliet.doc…
…is a play on Word.
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?
Word to your mother.
How do you get a little old lady to say the «F» word?
Yell bingo.
I don’t think we should be to worried if Trump gets elected
Politicians never keep their word
What’s a word that starts with «N» that you don’t want to call a black person?
Neighbor
- Words: Short, But So Succinct
- Shop Signs — Play on Words
- Tales from the Front Line
- Keep on Singing?
1)
Words: Short, But So Succinct
Pythagoras: 24 words
The Lord’s
Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’
Principle: 67 words
The Ten Commandments: 179 words
Lincoln’s
Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300
words
The U.S. government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
2) Shop Signs — Play on Words
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
Airline ticket office,
Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE
REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Where’s
the English Channel? I don’t
know
— our television doesn’t
pick it up.
3) Tales from the
Front Line — More Word Jokes
‘No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.’
— Joe Gay
‘Tracers work both ways.’
— U.S. Army Ordnance
‘Five second fuses only last three seconds.’
— Infantry Journal
‘Don’t
draw fire; it irritates the people around you.’
— Your
Buddies
‘If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.’
— Infantry Journal
‘Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky.’
— From an old carrier sailor
4) Keep on Singing?
George, Jack and Simon were at a conference together in Chicago and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were upset to hear that the lifts
in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
George said to Jack and Simon, let’s break the boredom of this horrendous climb by concentrating on something
more interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jack can sing songs for 25 flights, and Simon can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor George stopped telling jokes and Jack began to
sing. At the 51st floor Jack stopped singing and Simon began to tell sad stories.
‘I will tell my saddest story first,’ he muttered gloomily, ‘I left our room key in the car.’
Phyllis Diller Humour
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has
just been robbed.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the
next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin
in the steam iron.
Footnote:
Please send us your word jokes
See more funny English words and phrases
•
Oxymoron examples •
Funny Words •
Cool foreign words •
Illogical English •
English jokes
•
Funny children’s names •
Examples of collective nouns •
Animal collective nouns •
Neologism
•
A funny word •
Grammar mistakes •
Word jokes •
Paraprosdokian •
Funny English words
English Word Jokes With Explanations: A Humorous Approach to Language Learning
7 min
Created: March 21st, 2023Last updated: April 12th, 2023
Contents
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye, matey! See, this is one of our favorite wordplay jokes in English. And we will tell you much more than just this one since we believe the language-studying process shouldn’t be boring.
Non-native speakers often limit themselves to humor for fear of saying something wrong. But the point is that jokes are a great way to boost your language level and self-confidence. This article provides tips and types of tricky humor in English to make the most out of it. So, please, make yourself comfortable and forget about tedious rules because today we are just going to have fun.
Why Play-On-Words Jokes Are A Great Way To Improve Your English
The main reason why people give up their language-learning goals is simple – they become bored. Sometimes, it is not enough to learn the rules. And in such cases, studying through funny word jokes seems like the perfect way to enhance your fluency level. Here are only a few reasons that explain the benefits of wordplay humor:
- A fun way to expand vocabulary. Most play-on-words jokes are based on idioms, puns, and other forms of figurative language. Hence, the more gags you use in daily conversations or hear from your interlocutors, the more new words and phrases you remember.
- The main way to understand English humor. Do you know how many “knock-knock” jokes are out there? Well, nobody knows that, but we are confident that there are millions of them. They are one of the whales that maintain English comedy and are primarily based on word plays. Hence, learning such jokes is a key to understanding natives and their sense of humor.
- Major confidence booster. A good joke is a great ice-breaker – you can use it to start a conversation, smooth out an awkward silence, or defuse a tense situation. And when you hear other people laughing at your jokes, your confidence goes above and beyond.
And we will not even start with other advantages of funny play-on-words jokes, like boosting memory or enhancing comprehension and pronunciation skills. We want you to see them all by yourself. So, without further ado, let’s move on to the next topic.
7
Types of Wordplay Jokes
Since there are many kinds of word jokes, it is essential to understand the difference between them all. Therefore, here are the most common types of wordplay jokes you can hear from native speakers:
- Puns. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a pun is a joke that exploits the multiple meanings of a word or phrase for humorous effect.
- Spoonerisms. It is a type of wordplay where two words’ initial sounds or letters are switched to create a new phrase.
- Double entendres. It is a phrase or statement with a double interpretation, often with one meaning being suggestive or inappropriate.
- Tom Swifty. It is a type of pun where an adverb is used to modify a quote or statement humorously.
Now you know a bit more about variations of the wordplay jokes. And it means it’s time to finally have a good laugh and check out our favorite puns, spoonerisms, and double entendres.
Some think understanding humor in a non-native language is the final step to fluency. And we can’t argue with that! Therefore, here are some famous gags to make you giggle and help you with your studying at the same time.
- Why is the six afraid of the seven? Because 7 8 9.
If you don’t get this one, try to read it aloud. This way, you will see that the poor six is afraid because it doesn’t want to be eaten by her hungry neighbor (seven ate nine).
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
It is another excellent pun based on the two meanings of the word “dressing” (like the condiment and the process of putting on clothes).
- My kids like chilled grease sandwiches I make for them.
It is an example of spoonerism – the initial letters of the words grilled cheese were switched, and instead of a tasty sandwich, poor kids got, well, a funny joke.
- Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Here is another excellent tip for making a guru and telling the best wordplay jokes. The simpler and sillier it sounds, the better the effect will be. Like this pun – it is so bad that it is actually very good.
- Why do the Promova tutors wear sunglasses to their lessons? Because their students are very bright.
One more tip for you – jokes don’t have to be rude or offensive. Occasionally, they can be silly little compliments to make someone smile. Like this one – the point is in the double meaning of the word bright (literal one – bright like the sun, and the second one – bright as intelligent).
- I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
Last but not least, a joke on our list is also based on double meanings (apparently, these are our favorites). In this case, the word dough has two meanings – literal, as a substance for making bread, and slang as a description of slang for money.
Funny Word Play Examples
Alright, we know that you want more than that. Therefore, here is another list of hilarious wordplay jokes. But this time, we didn’t add any captions or explanations – try to practice and understand the point yourself.
- Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.
- I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
- What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a trampoline and a well-dressed man on a trampoline? Attire.
- I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek competition, but finding good players is hard.
- Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
And that’s it! Congratulations, you are probably now fluent in English if you got those jokes right. And if not – don’t worry because most of them are confusing. Instead, write your favorite wordplay jokes in the comments section. You know that we are always up for a good laugh.
Mastering Humor and Fluency with Promova
As much as English jokes might be fun for native speakers, they can confuse language learners. Hence, reaching some proficiency level to joke and understand puns and spoonerisms is essential. And if you are struggling with finding the best studying option, say no more. Here, at Promova, we know exactly what to offer you.
But before that, what is Promova? It is an international language-learning platform available for students from all over the world. After visiting the official website, you can choose from several options to get started.
- Personal and group lessons with experienced tutors. Our team of professionals is always ready to help you achieve your studying goals. You can start your 1-to-1 lessons or join a group of up to six people from different countries to have more fun.
- Convenient mobile application. If you prefer studying alone, you can do so from the comfort of your bed. Just install the Promova application from the App Store or Google Play and access unique lessons suitable for your needs.
- Conversation Club. What is the best way to practice wordplay jokes? Only telling them to other people. And if you don’t have English speakers in your surroundings, we invite you to our free Conversation Club! Here you can discuss exciting topics, meet new friends, and simply have fun.
And, of course, we couldn’t forget about the Promova Blog! Here you will find dozens of thrilling articles that will help you learn valuable information, tips, popular language-learning trends, and much more. And guess what? It is also entirely free! So please, don’t waste another minute – visit the official Promova website now and find the studying plan of your dream.
Conclusion
Okay, we got the last one for you. Why did the pregnant woman start screaming, “Isn’t, can’t, I’m” in the middle of the street? Because she was having contractions. And that’s it for today! We hope that this article helps you broaden your humor horizons because jokes are the perfect way to feel fluent and confident when speaking a foreign language. And don’t forget – studying English doesn’t have to be tedious. Together, we can make it fun.
FAQ
What are homophone jokes?
Homophone wordplay jokes are the ones created by using homophones – words that spell differently but sound the same. For example, what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea (no e- d r). Homophone jokes are very popular among people of different ages because they can have both innocent and inappropriate contexts.
Are there any differences between puns and double entendres?
Yes, there is a difference. Even though both types of wordplay jokes are based on double meanings, they differ in context. Puns are just simple, silly gags that have no sexual undertone. Double entendres, on the other hand, also have two meanings, but one interpretation is usually risqué.
Is it always a good time to say wordplay jokes?
Unfortunately, it is not. Many people don’t like such jokes and even find them annoying. Therefore, you need to be sure you have the right audience before telling your puns. Also, there are many situations where any joke might be considered inappropriate. You need to be careful and analyze the circumstances to avoid any misunderstandings.
What are some common tips for memorizing wordplay jokes?
Some common tips for memorizing wordplay jokes include practicing them beforehand, writing them down for later reference, and using mnemonic devices to help remember them. Additionally, it’s helpful to think about the structure of the joke and how the words play off each other, which can aid in recall.