What Is a Safe Word and How Does It Work?
Understanding How Safe Words Work
For some people, sex is a physical matter, a question of bodies, touches, sensations. But for many of us, there’s a distinct psychological component. We want sex to have a narrative, for there to be a story, a history, or a dynamic between the participants.
And while that dynamic can often be a positive one, sometimes, that dynamic is extra sexy when it’s a bit more complicated. In the real world, teachers aren’t supposed to seduce their students; doctors aren’t supposed to feel up their patients. But in sexy roleplaying, all the rules can go out the window.
One way that can happen is for the rules of sexual consent to change. That’s the premise of something called consensual non-consent, or CNC, where participants can enact scenes of assault, abuse or even rape in a way that’s consensual and exciting for everyone involved.
RELATED: What Is Sexual Consent?
But regardless of whether you’re familiar with CNC as such, if you do any kind of rough play in bed, it’s not a bad idea to understand safe words — a key component of having a good, healthy, and, well, safe experience. In order to better understand how they work, AskMen spoke to three sex experts about safe words, how to choose a good one, non-verbal forms of safe words, and more. Here’s what they had to say.
What Is a Safe Word?
“A safe word is a word you use to indicate that you’ve reached your limits and you want to stop play,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast. “When you say your safe word, play partners should stop what they’re doing and check in.”
“In BDSM and kink, the word ‘no’ or ‘stop’ can sometimes be part of the fun, and isn’t always an indication someone really wants to stop,” says Kayla Lords, kink educator and co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “A safe word or gesture is something that doesn’t fit with the scene and reduces confusion about what a person means.”
“Depending on the context, a safe word can be a word, phrase, sound, or even a hand or foot motion,” that is “agreed upon before engaging in sexual activity,” says Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment and creator of the Headero app. “A safe word’s purpose is to signal clearly and unambigously that the person using the safe word no longer feels safe, no longer consents to continue engaging in the sexual engagement or activity, or both.”
However, as Lords notes, “If no safe word is agreed upon, then ‘no’ and ‘stop’ should always be taken seriously.”
Because of their association with rough or kinky sex, safe words may be seen as risqué by some, but Quaderer sees them in a very positive light.
“It’s important to remember that, because safe words exist to ensure safety and consent throughout a sexual engagement, they are actually a gateway to all sorts of exciting, uplifting and joyful sexual adventures,” says Quaderer. “They enable you to explore your interests with your partner(s) in a safe, consenting environment. And realizing that is incredibly liberating! A safe word is a license to get your freak on while knowing that you’re doing right by yourself and your partner(s).”
How Do You Use a Safe Word?
In an ideal world, a safe word would be something that never gets used. Everyone’s sex would unfold exactly the way they wanted it to, and it would never feel unsafe, scary, concerning or even the least bit off. But we don’t live in that world, sadly, and the safe word is like a lifeboat — you don’t want to have to use it, but having one is a lot better than not having one.
“Safe words can be used when something goes wrong — for example, a bondage tie leads to numbness, a sexual position becomes painful — or when a partner has had too much and reached their limit,” says Lords. “They may also be used when something doesn’t feel right, even if the partner using the safe word hopes to continue. They’re most often used by bottom or submissive partners, but tops and dominant partners can also use a safe word.”
“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” says O’Reilly. “Good play partners will pay attention to your safe word and honor your limits. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing or opt to stop playing altogether.”
Lords agrees that safe words “can also give you a moment to pause, adjust, and start the moment over — either by doing something different or simply adjusting your kinky moment or body position.”
“While safe words are most commonly used in BDSM and other kink settings it’s healthy to set a safe word in all sexual engagements, regardless of whether BDSM or kink are part of your anticipated activities,” says Quaderer. “Having a safe word is an important way to ensure that everyone in a given sexual engagement is down with the scene throughout, so it definitely applies to all sexual settings.”
That being said, Lords says, “Safe words aren’t a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”
“Often our partners give off signals that something is wrong — body language, facial expressions, sounds they’re making or lack of noise (if they’re usually verbal during sex or kink),” she explains. “It’s the responsibility of the partner who notices something is wrong (in most cases, the top or dominant) to stop and check in to make sure everything is OK.”
As Lords points out, “‘They never said their safe word’ doesn’t fully absolve a partner of harm, especially If you notice distress and didn’t stop to ask.”
“Safe words are imperfect because it’s easy to forget them when you’re not used to using them, and because there may be an awkward feeling regarding stopping the scene,” she says. “Some people worry they’ll ruin the mood if they use a safe word and try to endure something that’s causing harm — physical, mental, or emotional. There’s no shame in using a safe word, but that’s why check-ins are important. What ruins a mood is finding out one partner was miserable after the fact — or having such a bad experience you never want to do it again.”
Coming Up With Safe Words
Random Words
“Most people pick a word that is easy to remember, but that you wouldn’t usually use during a scene (or any type of sex play),” says O’Reilly. “For example, ‘stop’ might seem like a good safe word, but you may use ‘stop’ as part of your sex play (e.g. in scenes that involve consensual non-consent), so it may not be a good fit.”
As Quaderer puts it, “safe words need to be easily communicated and unlikely to otherwise be used in your sexual engagement.” In short, you want to pick something that will sound out of place or weird during a sexual moment, so it can jar your partner into stopping.
Lords says that words like “elephant, eggplant, or pineapple” are popular; Quaderer suggests “handsome octopus.” Regardless, it should be something that both partners agree will work in context, but as Quaderer says, “Agreeing on a safe word can be a fun and somewhat silly activity for you and your partner(s).”
Still, he says, “If you’re getting into a BDSM scene and one person is going to be gagged, you probably don’t want to choose a long word or phrase — rather a specific vocalization or hand motion might be better. But if that’s the case, make sure you’ve practiced and that your safe word is unmistakable. Consent and safety are far too essential to risk miscommunication or misunderstanding.”
Stoplight System
On the other hand, you could use a traffic light or stoplight system. In this system, O’Reilly says, “Red means stop what you’re doing. Yellow means you’re close to approaching your limits. Green means go — you’re liking and would like a bit more intensity (however you’ve defined this in your pre-play discussions).”
“We use the traffic light method as a system to check-in during BDSM play,” says Lords. “My partner will ask for a color, and my answer tells him how I feel about what we’re doing. This is a good tool to use in addition to simply using ‘red’ as a safe word. Some people forget to use their safe word or they get nervous about their partner’s reaction. Being asked to provide an answer can be a way to prevent mistakes and make it easier for a partner to make the moment stop.”
Safe Gestures
As Lords notes, verbal isn’t the only way to go.
“Sometimes a partner is gagged and can’t speak,” she says. “Sometimes they’re unable to speak or find speech difficult in these moments. A gesture or signal can be used in place of a word. Snapping, stomping feet, dropping an item you were holding are all examples of safe word gestures or signals.”
Again, it’s important to agree on a sign ahead of time, and to have backup ones for contexts where your partner won’t be able to speak and/or may not be able to move certain body parts.
O’Reilly, who also suggests pinching your partner as a possible safe gesture, says “A snap of the fingers may not work in a loud room if your hands are bound behind your back, so you may choose to hold a bell or squeaky toy that is easily audible.”
“You can also agree to a series of codes,” she adds. “(e.g. a thumbs up means increase intensity, pressure, speed, depth whereas, a thumbs down might indicate a desire to decrease the intensity.)”
Extra Safe Word Tips
Practice Using Them in Non-Sexual Contexts
As Lords noted above, someone might hesitate to use a safe word if they’re not used to doing it. So practicing in non-sexual, comfortable contexts can be very useful. As well, she suggests that, “before you get sexy or kinky, remind each other what the safe word is. ‘OK, what’s the safe word?’ ‘It’s [fill in the blank].’”
As well, Lords suggests encouraging each other to use the safe word prior to getting into things, that way it’s fresh in both of your minds.
Check in During Sex
“Check-in with your partner during your kink scene,” says Lords. She says phrases like “‘Does this feel good? Can I keep going?’ or ‘Give me a color’ can all be sexy depending on your tone of voice, if you’re worrying about killing the mood.”
RELATED: Clever Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions
“If a partner asks for a color or checks in and asks how their partner is doing, they should stop if they get no response,” Lords adds. “It might be that their partner is incapable of speech — which means they’re incapable of advocating for themselves or withdrawing consent if necessary. Stop all play/sex until you’re sure they’re able to and want to continue.”
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In my relationship we use a safe word and no, it has nothing to do with sex! A safe word is a word that serves as a prearranged and unambiguous signal to end an activity. According to Emily Morse, PhD, host of the SiriusXM radio show and podcast of Sex With Emily, a safe word is often used when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or starts to creep past your boundaries”. The idea is that once the safe word is said, all sex has to stop and does not resume until the couple has checked in with each other about why the safe word was said. In my relationship, we use a safe word for a similar reason but in another context. When used as a communication tool, a safe word is a great way to pause arguments before they become heated or emotionally charged.
My relationship is relatively new, we have only been together for seven months. However, the pandemic has resulted in us sending an unusually large amount of time together. If seasoned couples have been having a hard time with quarantine, imagine how difficult it is for new couples! At first, it was amazing having my boyfriend around 24/7. As someone that lives alone in a foreign country, it felt good to finally have “my person”. However, I quickly realized that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. My man is a whole human being with his own set of likes and dislikes and like me, he is very vocal about voicing those preferences, grievances, and opinions. We are both relentless and stubborn. Sometimes, I feel like I’m dating my clone.
Within the first 3 months of being together, I realized that our relationship was doomed if we couldn’t find a way to “stop” or “pause” certain arguments. Oftentimes, our arguments would go on for hours and become heated because neither one of us wanted to “lose” or “concede”. The dynamic quickly became toxic. If there is one thing that my failed marriage has taught me is how to spot a toxic dynamic. So, I started to brainstorm ways to solve this problem. As women, I feel as though we are expected to be the peacekeepers in our relationships. The ones that concede just to “keep the peace”. But, this is not the United Nations, and I am not a peacekeeper. I am a hellraiser. I will argue with you from dust till dawn and I will make your life a living hell until I get what I want. Yes, I too have toxic traits that I need to work on but Rome was not built in a day. I am a work in progress. That”s why I came up with the idea of creating a safe word. I wanted to pause arguments before they got too intense or painful, or start to creep past personal boundaries. I also wanted both of us to have the power to end an argument without feeling like either one of us was conceding.
When either one of us uses the safe word, the conversation is instantly over. Using the safe can mean that:
- the conversation is important but the timing, delivery, tone, or approach is wrong; or
- the other person isn’t up for the conversation and doesn’t want to continue; or
- as a couple, we agree to revisit the topic at a different time.
Using a safe word isn’t about avoidance. It’s about limits and boundaries. It’s about timing and delivery.
Recently, I asked my Instagram followers if they would ever consider implementing a safe word into their relationships and an overwhelming 75% said yes. If you fall into that 75%, here are some tips for creating a safe word:
- It should be short and simple (1 word, 2 words max!).
- It’s a safe word, not a safe sentence!
- It should mean something to your relationship.
- In my relationship, whenever either one of us uses the safe word, it immediately eases the tension. That’s because our safe word is attached to a meaningful memory in our relationship. Our safe word reminds both of us of a loving memory that we shared. Some useful prompts to help with setting up your safe word: the city you visited for your first couple’s vacation (“New Orleans”), your favorite couple’s movie or tv show (“Billions”), the month you met or got married (“February”), etc.
- It should be used sparingly.
- If you find yourself using your safe word every day then there are deeper issues in your relationship that you need to address.
- It doesn’t always have to be used in a tense moment.
- The last time I used our safe word, we weren’t arguing. My boyfriend was just being annoying and I wanted some peace and quiet so I used the safe word to get him to leave me alone.
If you decide to use a safe word in your relationship, let me know. If you found this post helpful, please comment, like, and share!
communication toolscouplesnew relationshipsquarantinerelationshipRelationshipssafe word
На основании Вашего запроса эти примеры могут содержать грубую лексику.
На основании Вашего запроса эти примеры могут содержать разговорную лексику.
If she needs backup, she’ll use the safe word.
Если будет нужна помощь, она скажет.
If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word.
Если в любое время возбуждение слишком нарастёт, просто скажи это слово.
And if, for some reason, they do, the submissive is allowed to use the safe word and discontinue the pain.
I’ll have to use the safe word!
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Safe words: what are they, why do we need them, and what are good safe word ideas? If you’re having sex that’s in any way “non-vanilla”, you need one. Here’s our beginner’s guide to choosing them and why they’re so important.
What is a safe word?
Safe words are an essential part of BDSM and kink language.
They are a clear, direct, and pre-agreed upon way for you to immediately stop sexual play. The moment you’re not happy with what’s happening, you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or like it’s too intense, you say the word or do the non-verbal signal and all action has to stop. This can be during touching, talk, sex, role-play, or anything else.
After it’s been said, you need to check in with each other about what went wrong and then both agree to resume play.
What is a safe word for? Pre agreed-upon safe words and signals are necessary because in some situations, like role-play, words like “no” and actions like pushing someone away are part of the scenario, and don’t mean stop.
Don’t worry about your partner being offended or disappointed. Don’t think you’re not “good enough” or that you can’t “handle” something if you use a safe word. Everyone has different limits and stuff they like. Your sexual partner wants you to feel satisfied, so they want you to let them know the moment this isn’t happening!
Safety is sexy. Seriously
Despite what people think, wild, freaky, kinky sex isn’t about totally losing your inhibitions. Sex can only be these things in an environment where everyone feels safe and knows they’re able to stop.
That’s why BDSM and other kinky play is based on Safe, Sane, Consensual principles. These principles let you fall into sexual play and experience new realms of pleasure, sensation, and psychological satisfaction.
What is a safe word? Something that lets both of you relax. Neither of you has to wonder if the other person is having a good time because they enable you to easily speak up the moment you’re not having fun.
They’re used more often than you think
Safe words and signals aren’t just for people doing BDSM dungeon stuff. If you’re doing anything that has the potential to cross your boundaries, use a safe word. Experimenting with light choking, spanking, or a new fetish? Use one!
Verbal vs Non-verbal safe words
Safe words can be actual words, like “taco” or “red”. However, sexual play sometimes involves your mouth being… otherwise occupied. You might be exploring gagging or choking, have a body part in your mouth, or be in a role play that involves you not speaking.
So, what’s a good safe word for when you can’t talk?
If these situations occur, you need a non-verbal signal, like a wrestler who requests a time-out of play by tapping out. Common non-verbal signals are tapping, pinching, or snapping your fingers.
What makes a good signal? Safe word ideas and choosing signals
Looking for safe word ideas?
Overall, a good safe word is one you and your partner both agree on. It goes without saying, but they should not be anything that could be confused for anything normally said or done during sex. Like a back scratch, moan, or oh please.
Some safe word ideas are more popular than others. The traffic light system is popular because it’s clear, simple, and memorable. In the traffic light system, “green” means keep going, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop right now.
However, you and your partner can alter each word’s specific meaning to suit you.
Other popular safe word ideas are fruits, animals (especially magical ones), sports, celebrities, and favorite fictional characters. Feel free to pick whatever feels good: pineapple, unicorn, hockey, Britney, Harry Potter…
Safe words should be easy to pronounce and remember
Generally, safe words shouldn’t be complicated. They should be a word that is familiar to you both and easy to articulate, so you’ll be able to say it in the heat of the moment. These can be anything from “safe” to “latte”.
They should be a word you feel comfortable saying
For some people, the funnier and sillier a safe word is, the better. If you’re wondering about safe word ideas, pick a word that’s on the tip of your tongue! Nouns are good because when you say the word, the visual image of the object comes to mind. Think umbrella, boat, poodle…
And it helps if it kills the mood…
Given that safe words are designed to make sex stop, it helps if they kill the mood. For some people, that means choosing “grandma”… Of course, another word might suit you better!
That is our essential guide to choosing good safe words! If you’re looking for more safe word ideas, look at the objects around you, think of a word you enjoy pronouncing, or an object that makes you laugh.
As long as your partner and you discuss it first, alongside desires, boundaries, and worries, you’re ready to have that wild, freaky, kinky time you deserve! Don’t forget, safe words make the fun more fun.
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If you watched the Brit awards last night, you’ll have noticed Cheryl (Cole? Fernandez-Versini? Unclear) upstaging comedian Jack Whitehall with her quip about safe words.
‘She knows the safe word,’ said boyfriend Liam Payne. ‘What’s the safe word?’ asked Jack. ‘Don’t stop,’ replied Cheryl, deadpan.
God we love Cheryl.
Anyway, having watched this exchange you might be thinking that Cheryl is sassy AF, or you might be wondering what a safe word actually is. In the post-50 shades world, it’s a pretty common expression. Why?
Safe words started with the BDSM community. It’s a pre-agreed word which one partner can say if the experience is getting too much. The moment that a safe word is said, all the play stops and the dominant partner stops being dominant.
The idea is that the word protects the submissive partner from being hurt and protects the dominant partner from accidentally causing non-consensual harm.
It has become a more mainstream concept over the last decade and now couples use them even if they’re not suspending each other from the bedroom ceiling or stuffing stinging nettles in each other’s pants.
Safe words are great because they allow you to have fun and push boundaries, safe in the knowledge that you’ve got an exit route already planned out.
Having put a safe word in place also means that you’re free to say anything else, whether that’s ‘ouch’ ‘f**k you’ or ‘I hate you’ to the dominant partner, without them worrying that you really mean it.
How do you choose a safe word?
The most common safe word is ‘red’, as part of a traffic light system. It can be hard to verbalise how you’re feeling during kinky play, or even during sex. Using a colour system, green for ‘this is great, carry on’, yellow for ‘this is getting a bit much, procede with extreme caution’ and red ‘stop, right now’ makes life a lot easier.
Using a one word signal means not having to put thought into structuring a sentence or trying to be polite. It also makes things much easier for your partner.
Other people like to choose a word at random, either something meaningful to you as a couple, or something completely ridiculous. Anecdotally, flugelhorn is an extremely popular one.
If using a specific word feels a bit forced or makes you self conscious, using your partner’s name is another great way to introduce a safe word. You can agree that during play/sex you’ll use kinky honorifics (sir, mistress, ma’am, Daddy etc), but that if you use their name, everything should immediately stop.
Do safe words always work?
It’s important to remember that some activities can make it difficult to use a safe word. If you’ve gagged your partner, or you’re penetrating their mouth or sitting on their face, they’re not going to be able to verbalize. Lots of kinky people will also have a hand gesture to use in these scenarios.
Even if you’re not a kinky person, a safe word can be a really great added layer of protection of consent. Sometimes, during sex, you go off the idea, or things get too rough. Personally I’ve never felt confident enough to stop sex part way through, taking the view that I might as well grin and bear it.
Safe words are designed to prevent that situation, and it’s certainly a lot easier to tell someone to stop if you can do it in one word, rather than trying to explain exactly how you’re feeling and why.
That said, even if you have a safe word, you’re not exempt from caring about your partner’s wellfare. It doesn’t become their sole responsibility to use the safe word, you should still be paying close attention to their behaviour in order to make sure that you’re not overstepping boundaries.
If you’re experimenting with BDSM it’s really important that you talk about limits beforehand – both hard and soft – and that you agree on what activities are on the menu. And remember, just because someone consented to an action during your discussion, doesn’t mean they’re obliged to go through with it.
Kinky sex can be amazing, but what 50 Shades doesn’t show you is how much thought and negotiation it requires to get right.
It might not sound sexy, but it’s true, and at the end of the day, if you’re going to push boundaries in the bedroom you need to make sure you’re on the same page as the person you’re playing with. Otherwise it’s not kinky sex, it’s abuse.
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