Fun-Filled Use Words In A Sentence Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, «Can you make a sentence without using ‘E’?»
«I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth it.»
A teacher asks her class to use ‘contagious’ in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, «Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious.»
«Very good,» says the teacher. «Would anyone else like to try?»
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
«Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
*Teacher to Student* T: «Use the word ‘centimeter’ in a sentence»
S: «My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter»
T: «No, no, that’s ‘Sent to meet her’. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious’ in a sentence please»
S: «I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!»
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny «have you ever heard of the word contagious before?»
«Of course miss» Johnny replies «my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday».
«Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?»
«Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said ‘it’s going to take the contagious to pick all that up.
A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.
Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.
There’s 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .
Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
«The word of the day is ‘contagious'» Said the teacher, «Who can use it in a sentence?»
Little Jenny stood up and said «My dad has a cold and said its contagious»
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said «Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious»
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up…
«Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious.»
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**… from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, » I want a man that»s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. «The black guy goes » I love to eat liver and cheese. «The white guy goes » I like to cook liver and cheese. «The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys » Liver alone, cheese mine!!»
Teacher asks class: «use the word Dandelion in a sentence»
Teacher asks class: «use the word Dandelion in a sentence»
Jamaican student: «the cheetah is faster dandelion»
*Everyone dies*
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word contagious . Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
— Susan?
— I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!
— Very good. What about you, Johnny?
— Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with «I»
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
«I is-» and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
«I *am*!»
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
«I is-» again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
«It’s I *am*! Use the proper word!»
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
«Fine,» she sighs «I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.»
You can explore use words in a sentence adverb reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean use words in a sentence word dad jokes. There are also use words in a sentence puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
«Your next spelling word is: beheaded.»
Can you use it in a sentence please?
«Sure, Kathy Griffin beheaded to the unemployment office.»
My Grandfather’s Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
A teacher asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so
she called on him. Johnny said, «My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
b**…, but her b**… are so big she
can only fasten eight.»
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That’s not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That’s not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
Fascinate
Teacher: Can anyone use the word «fascinate» in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but «fascinated» is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an «ing» at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb «fascinate».
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 b**… on it…but she so fat, she can only fascinate!
Harassment.
So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence. A boy stood up and said, «Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me»
Teacher: «Billy, can you use the word ‘contagious’ in a sentence?»
Billy: «My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence.»
Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging
The word was Dictate.
[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?
[Mike Tyson] She liked the way my Dictate
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you’re doing something
different. Your writing won’t flow smoothly. You’ll
use weird words.
It’s not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don’t feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You’d be better off giving up, to be honest.
A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant…
…on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: «If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay»
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: «The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow»
A english teacher asked the class…
… Use the word ‘dandelion’ in a sentence.
The Jamaican kid then stood up and proudly exclaimed —
De Cheetah is fastah dandelion’
Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word «definitely» in a sentence
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher says, «Johnny, that’s not a response to the question I asked.»
Johnny repeats, «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher gives in and says, «No — farts do not have lumps in them».
Johnny then says, «Then I *definitely* s**… my pants.»
The teacher asks her students to use the word «contagious» in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; «My mum has the flu, I think it’s contagious!».
«Excellent work!», the teacher responds. «Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?»
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
«M’ Pa made me lunch t’day, but it took the contagious!».
Mujibar get a job in India
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.’
Mujibar responded, ‘The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.’
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.
An English test question asked us to use the word «horticulture» in a sentence.
I wrote, «You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.»
A Mexican Joke
A Mexican man finds a much needed job and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says he’ll hire him ONLY if he can come up with a sentence using 3 words of his choice. The words are Green, Pink and Yellow. So the Mexican thinks for a second then replies (read in a Spanish accent) the phone goes Green Green, so I Pink it up and say Yellow?
Jajaja
A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.
A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, «Your word is spider.»
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, «Could you please use it in a sentence?»
A judge replies, «A spider has eight eyes.»
The boy then states, «S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R.»
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to p**….
«Billy, we don’t say p**…. We say urinate. Do you understand?»
«Yes, Miss Drake.»
«Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence.»
«Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any t**… you’d be a ten.»
Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar
Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That’s not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That’s not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
My teacher asked me to make a sentence using the words; defence, defeat and detail, i said….
When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first then detail…
warning sign on children’s alphabet blocks
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot…
But then I learned it meant something different.
The stereotype of Persians used to be that they’re very cheap.
A Persian man’s wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.
Put ‘Sarah died’ he said
*Sir, you’re not paying us by word, it’s a flat rate… you can write a whole sentence if you like.*
Put ‘Sarah died yesterday’
*Sir, you can add six more words and I’ll charge you for a sentence*
Put ’86 Mazda for sale, low mileage»
I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don’t correct themselves
They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Load More
What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.
What word starts with «E» and ends in «E» but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.
That’s odd.
2 word horror story
Prehensile dong
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.»
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.
He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher.
Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher.
…
What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?
Car
Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?
The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?
You are a total British person saying the word «can’t.»
Describe yourself in 3 words:
lazy
Three words that will most certainly ruin a man’s ego
«… are you in?»
What is the absolute best universal safe word?
«Meatloaf»
It immediately says «I would do anything for love…but I won’t do THAT!»
You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word «dairy»?
…I told him there’s no use crying over misspelled milk.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word «contagious» in a sentence.
Jenny puts her hand up and says «My mum says we should stay home when we’re sick incase we’re contagious.»
«That’s right» the teacher says, «Anyone else?»
Susie says «My grandma says a smile can be contagious.»
«Very good» says the teacher, «Anyone else?»
Little Johnny pu…
I like big words and I cannot
prevaricate.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.
Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.
Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words
I said «bad at counting»
Just heard my son speak his first words
where were you the last 14 years
What’s the Longest Word in English?
Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Why did the US take the «u» out of words like «colour» and «honour»?
Because, fuck you, that’s why
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What’s that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?
Oh yeah, a werehouse
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.
Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha…
I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word «Plethora»
It means a lot
76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral
A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”
As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.
Six.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
My friend claims there’s no word for excrement produced by male cattle.
I think that’s bullshit.
A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”
Policeman: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.
I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?
This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:
*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting «Boeing Boeing Boeing».
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, «I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.»
The distressed woman wailed, «Are you sure?»
«Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,» replied the vet.
«How can you be so sure?» she protested. I mean you haven’t done a…
There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.
After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff…
When I was a kid, my parents would always say «Excuse my French» after a swear word…
…I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
How old Mildred stopped gossiping.
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people’s business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
Once, she accused a …
Fun fact: «sugar» is the only word in the English language where «su-» makes a «sh» sound. . .
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
I don’t like the word «steal».
I prefer «buy none get one free».
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I confused the words Yakuza and jacuzzi.
Now I’m in hot water with the japanese mafia.
My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.
I replied “vague”
He asked, “can you elaborate?”
I said, “yes.”
As a hispanic, my first tattoo was the word “Mucho”
It means a lot to me.
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny «have you ever heard of the word contagious before?»
«Of course miss» Johnny replies «my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday».
«Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?»
«Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over …
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Three words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.
Before he …
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel
This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary …
What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap
On my mom’s death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her
I told her … put in a good word for me.
Husband: «Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…»
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): «It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!»
Husband: «What?»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.
An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’. «Fucking get in there you cunt!» he says to himself and goes to the bar.
<…
i invented a new word!
its called plagiarism
In Italian, the word pizza is feminine
That’s why ordering pizza is referred to as “eating out”
Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword
Then 20 more without the sheath
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Word
During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men …
My wife screamed, «you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!»
I was taken aback… what a weird way to start a conversation.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s…
Heavenly Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, «We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!»
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt…
I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.
But then Clippy said, «It looks like you’re trying to be funny.»
If your friend wants to say the word «motel» backwards,
letom.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got «I love you» tattooed on my penis.
She just shook her head and said, «There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Words
There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**…
But few people can tell what the difference between them is.
To clarify:
**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask…
Word of the Bible
Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.
— fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada
Just found out that «Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh» isn’t a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am.
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…
I think that’s poor for four.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Life in a nursing home
An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.
On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
«If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?»
Mike replies: «Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.»
The teacher says: «That would be very rude and improper on your part.»
…
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office login, I will find you.
You have my word.
Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, «I know the whole truth» even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, «Honey, I’ll be right back.»
«Where are you going, coochy cooh?» asked the wife.
«I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a b…
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
— “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
— “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
— “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
— “Oh, okay!”
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
An elderly woman winds up in court for murder…
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your full name.’
Agatha: ‘Agatha Louise Hewson.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your age’
Agatha: ‘I am 94 years old.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.’
<…
What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?
Oops!
(Shameless karma farming on cake day)
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead.»
He shakes his head and thinks «I must have read that wrong.»
He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It’s Miraculous!»
He decides he has to see this so he pull…
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I
also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I will never forget my grandpa’s last words
He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”
Words cannot describe how beautiful you are..
But numbers can: 2/10
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland
The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, «I ask you a question, and if you do…
What are the magic words you say to get what you want?
I’m offended
Nine Words
Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.
This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.
Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<…
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were
I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Medellín kids
Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…
It’s the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art….
Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very…
While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow…
He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.
He walks upto the driver’s window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.
The old lady who is driving asks the cop, «Why have you pulled me over, sir?»
…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.
The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close…
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
«Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?»
«NO DAD. It was fuck.»
What is the German word for a bra?
stoppenfromfloppen
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.
Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a …
Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, «Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.»….
Sara always replied, «I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.»
One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, «Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.»
S…
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other?
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other? When a «fork» just works the same?
Then I realized «spooning» is the much better word.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
It just dawned on me that the «Honk if You’re Horny» bumper stickers are a play on words regarding honking the car HORN
And not just about having a high sex drive
Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?
Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.
«That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read.» She scolded. «Have you anything to say for yourself?»
«Just two words, miss,» I replied. «Go fuck yourself.»
I’m shit at maths, too.
Speaking words of wisdom
Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
If you can’t think of a word, say «I forgot the English word for it.»
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A woman was attending her husband’s funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.
The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, «Plethora.» He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, «Thanks. That means a lot.»
Step 1 — fool people into believing you’ve been chosen by God to spread his word
Step 2 — prophet
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Fishing or Sex?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
The first guy says:
«You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.»
The second g…
What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?
Aunt
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
Proper English
An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He’s about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.
«Dinnae drink oot the river, it’s foo o’ sheep pish!»
The Englishman look…
my son says he’s a small group of words that stand together to convey a concept
Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, «I’m going t…
A Nasty Divorce
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste…
Some word can have multiple meanings
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, «Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!» A pastor hears this and asks, «Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'» The boy responds, «Because I caught these fish at the local dam.» The pastor buys a couple fish, takes …
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Since we’re doing little Johnny jokes….
Little Johnny’s teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, «Who would like to share their story?»
Little Johnny’s hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. «Susie, why don’t you go first?»
Susie …
It’s important to develop a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Onestone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, «If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!»
The word got arou…
People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now…
I see why
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.
Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)
The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it’s started out as a great gig except for one glaring …
Spelling bee judge: «Your word is ‘seaward’.»
Contestant: «C-U-N…»
Judge: «DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The word «Boobs» is a three dimensional diagram
The «B» shows how they look from above, the «oo» how they look from the front and the «b» how they look from the side.
Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word «either»
One student insists it’s pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it’s pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. «Teacher, what’s the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?» The teacher blinks and says, «oy-ther will do.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Does anybody know what D word is?
It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher of little Johnny’s class asks the pupils if they can use the word ‘beautiful’ in a sentence…
A little boy sticks his hand up.
«Yes, Daniel»
«I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful», says Daniel.
«Very good, Daniel», smiles the teacher, «Anybody else?».
Veronica’s hand goes up. «I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr…
Bad bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words,…
A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years
[LONG]
After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’
The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.
After 20 years the head mo…
Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man…
Now they’ll have to pay him 20% more…
A blacksmith said to his new helper, «You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer.»
Those were his last words.
Free
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
«But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer.
«Okay,» says the bartender, «If you say you paid, you did.»
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word «definitely» in a sentence
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher says, «Johnny, that’s not a response to the question I asked.»
Johnny repeats, «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher gives in and says, «No — fart…
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Crocodile.
A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, …
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s a whole sentence
If being ugly was a crime u would get a life sentence
What is a prisoner’s favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
1. If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting
10. Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya
12. Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented
why did the police play baseball ?
Why?
He wanted to play cach
Suzy: How did johna fit in the whale? Teacher: Whales are very big but have small moths, so johna did not actually fit in the whale. Suzy: well the bible says he did Teacher: He did not Suzy: when I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell Suzy: Than you can ask him.
You: Say «addicted» after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you’re obsessed with candy you are…?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you’re obsessed with drugs you are…?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted… *laughs*
(It’s supposed to sound like «A dick did»)
Yo’ Mama is so stanky, her Sure deodorant got confused and her Secret deodorant told on her
The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.
*Say I’m a man after every sentence* You walk into a bar. (I’m a man) You find a girl . ( I’m a man)
You take her home.(I’m a man)
She whispers in your ear.(I’m a man)
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, «Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?» Little Mary says, «The teacher is very intelligent.» The teacher asks them, «Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?» Little Suzie says, «They are very fashionable.» The teacher says, «Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.» Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, «Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate’ «
I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Is Google a girl or a boy?
Obviously a Girl, because it won’t let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved
I can explain Superman and Batman movie in one sentence
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
One time Little Johnny heard his parents «wrestling» in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise. No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, «little» Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn’t know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, «eagle wing» torture style. His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world’s strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny’s sons. NO ONE.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 murdered 37 children and 41 adults during the ages of 31-35 years old. She was then sentenced to a 35 year sentence( Colombian stuff) and came out 70 years old. She then continued to go on a spree and murder 41 more people, in 2 months. 3 years later, 6 stabbed 7 as they were friends. 6 was not sentenced, but deemed a hero. He never forgets that moment. Her soul not floating above, but screaming from the torture it’s receiving.
The kindergarten class had to come up with a sentence using the colors green, pink, and yellow. So the teacher calls up every single kid in the classroom. But she forgot to call on the Samoan kid. So she asks him to please step up to the front of the class and recite his sentence. So the Samoan boy went up to the front of the class and said, «The phone went green green green. I pink up the phone and say yellow»!
IN America’s dozen Ivy League Universities, on top of the list come Yale and Harvard or perhaps Harvard followed by Yale. By and large America does not have an upper class accent distinct from that of commoners as is heard in England. The only exception is Harvard which has imbibed some of Boston’s
Brahmanical air of superiority by its distinct upper class speech.
This one is told of a freshman who asked a senior student: «Can you tell me where the library is at?»
The senior snubbed him, «At Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition.»
The freshman had a second go: «Can you tell me where the library is at, you asshole?»
Dr suess tonuge twister.
See if you can do this read each
sentence out loud!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat.
Now read only the the third line of each
sentence!
This is how to keep a dumbass
busy for forty seconds.
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word «handsome» in a sentence.
Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?
Teacher: No, no, that’s not right. You have one more chance. Use the word «gladiator» in a sentence.
Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I’m gladiator.
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, ‘How do you spell ‘dumb’?»Darla says, «d-u-m-b, dumb.»The teacher says, «Very good. Now use it in a sentence.»She responds, «Buckwheat is dumb.»»Now spell ‘stupid’.»Darla says, «s-t-u-p-i-d.»The teacher says, «Very good. Now use it in a sentence.»Darla says, «Buckwheat is stupid.»Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks, «Buckwheat, spell dictate.»Buckwheat stands up and says, «d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.»The teacher says, «Very good. Now use it in the a sentence.» «I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!»
As anyone learning a language will know, there’s a lot to grasp and remember.
In English, the rules of grammar are one of the hardest aspects with which to get to grips, and some grammar rules even elude native speakers. A good way to master them is to use humour: there are plenty of grammar jokes and conundrums out there that will help you learn the rules. Here are some of our favourites.
1. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
We start with a little rhyme to help you remember what commas are.
A cat has claws at the ends of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Commas will be cropping up a few more times in this article, so take note!
2. One little comma makes all the difference
There are lots of jokes and other illustrations of how important commas are. They have the potential to alter the meaning of a sentence completely, as the next few examples show.
One humorous illustration of what difference a comma makes is as follows:
A comma is the difference between “What is this thing called love?” and “What is this thing called, love?”
“What is this thing called love?” (without the comma) is a rhetorical question and a paraphrase of the lyric of a popular song by Queen (Crazy Little Thing Called Love), but add a comma before the “love”, and you turn it into a question that one might ask one’s other half (addressing them as “love”, a term of endearment) when asking what an object (a “little thing”) is called.
3. Commas save lives
Various jokes play on the importance of commas by pointing out that they can “save lives”. See the difference between versions one and two below:
- Some people enjoy cooking, their families, and their dogs.
- Some people enjoy cooking their families and their dogs.
The first one, correctly punctuated, provides a list of things people enjoy. Remove the punctuation, and you would be understood to enjoy cooking your family and dog for dinner.
Another joke that highlights the importance of adequate punctuation in English is:
“Let’s eat, Grandma.”
With the comma, these words indicate that the speaker is talking to their grandma and suggesting that they eat dinner. Watch what happens when you remove the comma:
“Let’s eat Grandma.”
Without the comma, the speaker is suggesting that they eat their grandma!
There’s also a popular internet meme depicting seals photoshopped onto a nightclub dancefloor. The caption is “Stop clubbing, baby seals”, with the subtitle, “Once again, punctuation makes all the difference”. That’s because when you remove the comma, it stops being about seals in nightclubs and starts being rather more brutal.
4. “Only” is a more significant word than one might think
This one isn’t a joke per se, but it will certainly make you think about the subtle nuances of the English language and how punctuation can change the meaning – with the result that simply ordering your sentence in the wrong way could mean that you say something quite different to what you intended. Look at the following sentence.
“She told him that she loved him.”
Now let’s look at how the meaning is changed simply by adding the word “only” into different parts of the sentence. Read these sentences aloud and see how you subtly change the intonation according to where the ‘only’ is placed.
“She only told him that she loved him.” The emphasis with this wording is on the word “only”, and adding the word “only” in this part of the sentence results in the implication that he was upset, or that he had overreacted to what he had been told; one might expect the preceding sentence to say something like, “He stormed angrily out of the room. She hadn’t said anything bad – she only told him that she loved him.”
“She told only him that she loved him.” Worded like this, the word “only” implies that she might have told others that she loved them, too. The emphasis in the sentence changes to the first “him”.
“She told him only that she loved him.” Now the emphasis shifts back to the “only”, and implies that she could have told him other things, but that she only told him this particular thing.
“She told him that only she loved him.” This wording places the emphasis on the “she”, implying that others could love him, but only she does.
“She told him that she only loved him.” This time, the emphasis falls on the final “him”; she’s telling him that he is the only one she loves, the implication being that she doesn’t love anyone else. Alternatively, a strict reading implies that while she loves him, that is in some manner insufficient – so she might be telling him that although she loves him, for their relationship to go any further, she needs to respect him as well.
“She told him that she loved only him.” Finally, this wording places the emphasis on the last “him” again, implying that she could love others.
This example shows the importance of intonation in the English language, as well as the appropriate ordering of a sentence.
5. Getting in a muddle with dangling modifiers
If the previous example left you in any doubt that changing the order of a sentence can drastically alter the meaning, see if you can spot what’s wrong with the following sentence:
“Early men hunted mammoths armed with spears.”
While we know what the writer was getting at here – that early men used spears to hunt mammoths – the way in which the sentence is ordered makes it sound as though it is the mammoths who were armed with spears. A better word order for this sentence would be: “Armed with spears, early men hunted mammoths.” Or: “Early men armed themselves with spears to hunt mammoths.”
Such misunderstandings arise from what’s known as dangling or misplaced modifiers.
“I found my missing hat cleaning my room.”
“I saw lots of horses on holiday in Spain.”
These are missing the word “while”, with the result that it sounds as though the hat was cleaning the room and the horses were on holiday in Spain. Adding “while” clarifies the situation: “I found my missing hat while cleaning my room”; “I saw lots of horses while on holiday in Spain.”
6. Remembering your pronouns
If you’re ever having difficulty remembering what a pronoun is, remind yourself of this joke:
When I was a kid, my teacher looked my way and said “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”
A pronoun is used in place of a noun.
7. Who versus whom
On the subject of pronouns, many people have trouble knowing whether to say “who” or “whom”. Here’s a ‘knock knock’ joke that revolves around this distinction.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
It’s to whom!
The technical difference is that “who” is “subjective” and “whom” is “objective”; what this means is that “who” refers to the subject of the sentence and “whom” to the object. If you have difficulty knowing which to use, there’s a simple way of remembering by replacing the “who” or “whom” with “he”, “him” or “them”; if it ends in an “M”, the pronoun will be “whom”. Let’s say you don’t know whether to fill in this gap with “who” or “whom”:
“___ does this belong to?”
The answer to this question would be “it belongs to him”, so it’s “whom” – both end in the letter “M”. To give a couple more examples:
“___ are you going to invite?” (Answer: “I’m going to invite him” or “them”, both ending in “M”, so it’s “whom”.)
“Is he ___ he says he is?” (Answer: the pronoun refers to “he”, so it’s “Is he who he says he is?”)
“___ is responsible for this?” (Answer: “he” is responsible, so it’s “who”.)
8. How to use the passive voice
“Such and such walked into a bar” jokes are very popular in the UK, and this very simple one will help you remember how to employ the passive voice and how it differs from the active voice.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The passive voice is when the subject of the sentence – in this case the bar – is acted upon, rather than doing the acting. The normal format of these jokes uses the active voice, with the bar as the object rather than the subject. To give you another example:
“John is baking a cake for Jane.” (Active)
“A cake is being baked by John for Jane.” (Passive)
As a general rule, it’s better to use the active voice when writing: it gives your writing more life and immediacy, while the passive voice can sound stilted and dull. If you catch yourself using it (having remembered how to tell the difference using the joke above!), reword your writing into the active voice to make it more interesting.
9. The importance of punctuation
There’s a joke that describes a teacher writing on the board, “A woman without her man is nothing.” She asks a pupil to add punctuation to this sentence, whereupon a boy adds commas to create the following sentence:
“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The teacher corrects this to:
“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
This humorous example shows that punctuation can completely change the meaning of a sentence, so that you can use the same words but mean totally opposite things according to how you punctuate them. If you say these sentences out loud, you’ll also notice that the punctuation changes the way you say them, by adding meaningful pauses; the first sentence uses commas to add a clause, “without her man”; the second one uses a colon to create a longer pause, with the comma breaking the sentence in a different place and fundamentally altering the meaning in the process.
10. Think apostrophes don’t matter? Think again!
Few people seem to understand how to use apostrophes here in the UK, with some even advocating their abolition. To eradicate the apostrophe would be a big mistake, however, as they make a big difference, as the following example shows. It’s not a joke, exactly, but it’s a grammar conundrum that highlights why we need apostrophes.
My brother’s friend’s dogs (this refers to the dogs belonging to the friend of one brother).
My brother’s friends’ dogs (the dogs belonging to the friends of one brother).
My brothers’ friend’s dogs (the dogs belonging to the friend of more than one brother).
My brothers’ friends’ dogs (the dogs belonging to the friends of more than one brother).
It’s only the positioning of the apostrophes here that clarifies what you’re saying; the wording is otherwise exactly the same.
11. The Oxford Comma
The Oxford comma is a curious thing. It’s the comma one uses before the last item in a list, such as:
“Please can you buy me some eggs, flour, and milk.”
It gets its name from Oxford University Press, a publishing house that champions its use to the point that it even includes an Oxford comma in job titles (to give a made-up example, “Marketing, Social Media, and Blogging Officer”). Its use is contested, with grammar purists arguing that it’s essential for clarity, and those who take a more modern approach to grammar arguing that it sounds pompous, disrupts the flow of a sentence and is unnecessary because people understand what you mean without it. There are certainly arguments on both sides, and there are instances in which it’s unnecessary. But there are occasions on which it’s required, as to leave it out can result in confusion. Here’s a joke to illustrate why.
With the Oxford Comma: “We invited the dogs, William, and Harry.”
Without the Oxford Comma: “We invited the dogs, William and Harry.”
In the first version, it’s clear that we’re talking about two people called William and Harry as well as more than one dog. In the second version, however, the lack of Oxford comma makes it sound as though the dogs’ names are William and Harry. Another popular internet explanation of the Oxford comma highlights the difference between asking for “eggs, toast, and orange juice” and “eggs, toast and orange juice” – the latter making it sound as though you want your orange juice on the toast. Better not leave that Oxford comma out after all!
Image credits: banner; Freddie Mercury; grandma; romantic couple; mammoths; door knocker; bar; dogs; OUP.