One study (Scherer and Sagarin 2006) showed that using obscenity correctly actually increased the persuasiveness of a speech! However, if you want to be a great communicator, there is one four-letter word you must get out of your head forever.
If you have ever been to any of my presentations or public speaking classes, you know that there is one common piece of advice that I despise:
Tell ’em what you’re gonna tell ’em. Tell ’em. Then, tell ’em what you told ’em.
Here’s just one of the many reasons why …
What is the most fun you can imagine? What activity could you do this Friday that would lift your spirits? What would make you smile?
I can’t wait. I’m going to go sit in a room and listen to someone tell me something.
Let me guess. That isn’t what you imagined. Public speaking is not what most people consider a “good time.”
Better yet, imagine you’re 13 years old and your mother sternly calls you to the kitchen:
Get in here. I have to tell you something.
Does that sound like a lecture that the thirteen-year-old you wants to attend?
What if your lover quietly approaches you and says:
We have to talk … I need to tell you something.
Are you looking forward to what she/he has to say?
“Telling” is usually a punishment!
You see, TELL is a four letter word of the worst kind. If you follow the typical advice you “tell ’em what you’re gonna tell ’em” and then you “tell ’em” and then you add insult to injury by “telling ’em what you told ’em.”
I hate to tell you this but if you approach a presentation as a medium to “tell” the listener something, then you are mind-numbingly BORING. Nobody likes to be “told” off.
TELLING is not anywhere on the list of essential presentation skills.
The alternative
If you want to tell them something, write a book. If you want to be a great speaker, a great teacher, or an influential leader, then you have to learn better presentation skills.
Let’s work through each of the 8 SpeechDeck principles and find an alternative communication technique.
C Clarify Your Content
The Content principle is the telling part. That’s why it’s “black and white.” Just remember the point of this principle is not to tell just for the sake of telling. The point is to clarify it so well that the listener can remember.
For the following examples, let’s suppose I want to tell you this black and white message:
People should brush their teeth every day.
Nobody wants to be “told” to brush their teeth, even if they need to be told. The principles of color are where we see the real alternatives.
A Inject Anticipation
Creating anticipation is exactly the opposite of “telling.”
You can tell ’em WHY you’re gonna tell ’em. You can tell ’em HOW you’re gonna say it. You can even tell ’em what you’re NOT going to say. Just don’t tell ’em WHAT you’re gonna tell ’em.
Let’s create a transition or introduction that is a WHY statement that withholds the message we want to tell:
Let’s talk about a way to improve your reputation, improve your health, and improve your relationships.
Suddenly, nobody is being “told off,” and the audience actually wants to listen.
R Develop Relationships
The relationship principle is all about finding common ground. Phrase your “tell” as something that is a group norm:
Everybody in this room shares the same 2 minutes every evening … We all brush our teeth.
If they already brush their teeth at night, you’ll bond. If they don’t, they will want to, because everybody else does. In other words, don’t tell–share!
M Reveal the Messenger
Revealing part of yourself takes the pressure off the listener. You’re not telling them what they should do, you’re revealing WHY you care.
One time I went to the dentist and it cost me a $600 surprise. I want to save you my misfortune.
P Encourage Participation
Telling is a one way lecture from speaker to audience. Participation works the other way, get the audience to do the telling.
Raise your hand and tell the group what you think is the best reason to brush your teeth.
Participation means you can command, ask, or incentivize the audience to do the talking–and comply.
I Empower the Individual
To empower someone, you must get personal.
Imagine you have molars removed. Imagine you stare into your loved ones face with missing teeth. Imagine you have a $3,000 bill for just one false tooth. Imagine you have bleeding gums and you can’t chew your favorite meal.
When it’s personal, you don’t have to tell ’em. They tell themselves.
T Manage the Theater
Use the space in your theater to show pictures, videos, and physical demonstrations:
Look at this picture of an abscessed tooth.
Don’t tell em, show em.
A Engage the Subconscious
A subconscious impression cannot result from telling mere words, only from real experience. That means that after any of the above examples you have to stop talking long enough for the listener to feel it.
The best four letter words
Unfortunately, good public speaking does require some amount of “telling.” I can’t ask you to eliminate telling all together. However, I do ask you to approach your presentations differently.
If your goal is to “tell,” then success will mean the best compliment you receive will be that you “told” something. You must think of TELL as a four letter word. Change your goal, and you will change everything.
As a teacher, leader, public speaker or presenter, don’t walk into the room with the goal of telling the audience anything. Walk into the room with a plan to hint, contradict, tease, share, reveal, ask, command, incentivize, compliment, personalize, show, demonstrate, experience, and feel–anything but tell.
By the way, the study referenced earlier (Scherer and Sagarin 2006) showed that using obscenity briefly at the beginning or end of a speech increases persuasiveness, increases the perception of the speaker’s intensity, and has no effect to lessen the speaker’s credibility.
If you want to be a great communicator–damn it–you’re better off swearing at your audience than just “telling” them something!
Over the last couple of weeks I’ve noted a number of people I’ve been having conversations with have unwittingly put themselves down and in more than a few instances unintentionally put down many other people with the use of single word.
Yes whether in the community theatre group I’m with at the moment or at work, the word is possibly one of the worst four letter works you can use. The odd thing about this particular 4 letter word is that you can use it in any social situation and you won’t raise a ruckus with anyone for slang, swearing, vulgarity or causing embarrassment. Yet, as I say, by using the word in the wrong context, you can insult yourself and others and let your opinion slip out unintended but there for all to see.
Okay so enough of the cryptic beginning; what’s the word? The word my dear readers is, ‘just’. “Just? That’s it? What’s the big deal?”
Here are a few actual comments I’ve heard uttered recently.
“I’m just a stay-at-home mom.”
“I’m just looking for a general labour job.”
“I’m just looking for a job until I find out what I really want to do.”
“I’m just living in Oshawa until January.”
“I’m not really qualified to do anything so I’m just looking for a job in retail.”
Ouch! Each one of these statements is real and in each case the person gave no indication whatsoever that they insulted both themselves and others; offending in order: moms, those in general labour jobs, all those living in Oshawa and all those working in retail.
Please do yourself a favour and stop using the word ‘just’ in a similar context to the examples above. IF you’re only interested in my point to this blog feel free to stop reading here. If on the other hand you want to read on you’ll gain more insight into how this betrays your lack of self-esteem, self-image and can hurt your employment opportunities.
Okay all you moms out there, yes you. Are you a proud mom? Are you good at running the household, budgeting meals, housing and recreation costs on what you bring in? Are you the kind of mother that puts her kids as a first priority, raises them as best you can with the skills, education and good sense you have? In short, are you a good mom? Then why would you say, “I’m just a mom.” This short sentence composed of four words the longest of which is only 4 letters is a put-down to all moms everywhere and expresses the view that you yourself see motherhood as something of little value. More to the point it says you view the people who are mothers around the globe as in some lowly occupation of little social standing. I doubt that is your intent.
As for the retail example above, when you say, “I’m not really qualified to do anything so I’ll just get a job in retail”, you’re betraying to anyone listening that you have a low opinion of those in this profession. It’s like your saying, “Working in retail doesn’t really require any specific skills; anyone could do it”. Your personal opinion may and probably will offend a large number of people who would gladly educate you on the required skills to work successfully in retail. Oh and by the way, the employers who hire people to work in retail positions are doing their very best to make sure that they avoid hiring people who are not going to invest themselves in the work and see it as some kind of ‘pay for doing precious little’ job.
Now I grant that in our various societies around the globe there are certain professions that have more prestige than others. In some cultures its Doctors, Bankers, Architects and Professors. In some countries you might find it’s the patriarchs; the mothers who are esteemed and held in high regard. General Labourers might not be on your personal list of valued professions, but without them consider how the life you lead would be impacted. Once again, there are many highly skilled and valued people toiling quite successfully who are general labour positions.
Look I know you probably don’t mean to put anybody down let alone yourself. Watch your language and listen to yourself for subtle words like, ‘just’ that creep into your everyday vocabulary.
Here’s an interesting thing to drive home this point. When we meet someone for the first time or the first few times, we instinctively start to gather all kinds of information on them in order to figure out who they are and how to interact with them. Our eyes take in their body language and appearance, our noses pick up on body odour or fragrances. Our ears pick up on tone of voice, language skills and words. Our brains process all this information and do it amazingly quickly. All of this information comes together and we have what we generally call an impression of someone. As we gather more information, our first impression is strengthened or adjusted.
Phrases that start, “I’m just a…” suggest to our brains many things; possibly that the speaker has low self-esteem and views themselves as being of less value. This gives an advantage to the listener in dominating the speaker and possibly in ways which can be harmful and controlling.
Something to think about. Just saying.
We are excited to share this blog post with you. It is written by our dear friend and teammate, Mrs. Bethany Olden.
Four letter words. You know the ones I’m talking about. When
students speak them they make you hold your breath afraid of what’s to follow.
(Or, let’s be honest, the ones that we often let zing through our minds at a
frustrating moment hoping to high heaven that we didn’t just say that out
loud!) Most of us have one in particular that we consider the “worst” one. The
one that if a person you loved flung it in your direction the wound left by its
razored edges would be deep. I’ll tell you mine, but before I do, you’d better
get ready. Are you sitting down? Are the kids out of the room? I’ll give you a
second to check.
Wait for it…..
Wait…no, seriously, that’s it. W. A. I. T. Isn’t it just
awful?!
I have often talked with my coworkers about how this technology
infused world has decreased our ability to wait patiently. Students want to
just “know how to do it” instead of having to work hard and persevere through
the wait of authentic learning. District and state officials want to see us
getting those results NOW. (Weren’t we just being shaken up by the fact that if
our test scores didn’t show enough growth that our pay could be reduced?)
What about us? We aren’t good at waiting either. Have you
been locked out of your classroom and not allowed to start rearranging? Are you
anxiously “waiting” for your class roster to be posted? Maybe you’re a mom who
is desperate for your kid to just “grow out of this stage”! Or maybe, like me,
the timeline you had so carefully planned for your family has been wrenched out
of your control. Whatever your season, that awful 4 letter word is going to
linger.
My question to you (and more importantly to myself) is WHY?
If “wait” shows up in every season of life why do we keep trying to avoid her?
I plunged head first into that question and didn’t like what I dug up. Three
simple nuggets that together weigh me down…LOSS of CONTROL! When I’m told to
wait, it feels like the words I have so carefully crafted have been erased by a
haphazard pet paw pressing the computer’s delete button! All that’s left is an
ominous blinking cursor that taunts me with fleeting thoughts of what I had
intended. And space…all that blank space on the page. That’s because “wait”
often presents herself as another unwelcome visitor, “starting over”.
Maybe you’re more “evolved” than I am and starting over
doesn’t phase you. Well, good for you, but I’m over here wading through the
debris of hopes deferred. This makes me think of a few lines from my all time
favorite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling.
“…If you can
make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of
pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your
beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;”
That’s a big IF for me, and one that I must admit I have not
begun to master. You see, I despise loss of control so much that I usually dive
in trying to frantically control the bits of what I have left so that I don’t
look like I am falling apart. Unfortunately, I often end up doing the very
thing I set out NOT to do. I micromanage the mess out of the details to the
point where everyone in my life is stressed and my “I got this” facade crumbles
at the most embarrassing moment.
Last year was full of these moments for me. After a close
scrape with death from blood clots on my lungs in June of 2016, recovery was
going much slower than I had anticipated. It even got to the point where some
people at the district level were pushing for me to not start the school year
with my students. I dashed around putting on my best “I am fine” face and got
doctors to approve my return. Control regained. Everything was going to be
fine.
Yup, those were famous last words. Had I the foresight to
see that last school year would have been the toughest in my 12 years of
teaching I may not have pushed so hard to get back to normal. Nevertheless, I
dove in and boy was I prepared for that first day of school! Hours upon hours
setting up my room, planning with teammates, and staying up far too late to
plan engaging and meaningful activities. But all of that was derailed that
first day and I went home crying. Anyone who spent time around me those first
few months could tell that my strategies were failing. I had worked myself into
a whirlwind trying to force kids to comply and learn, but I couldn’t see that I
was crumbling. Thanks to my amazing husband, and a lovingly honest teammate,
the truth came out. I was depressed and having anxiety attacks that were
crippling me.
Reflecting on this past year I see that what I thought would
have been torture for my teacher soul would honestly have been the best thing
for me. Waiting…waiting to start the year until I had dealt with what
happened personally. I didn’t wait and inevitably my students suffered. That
breaks my heart to write that, but it’s true. I didn’t wait and it hurt the
precious little lives that I am so passionate about helping. It hurt my team,
and it hurt my loved ones.
So much has changed this past year, and thankfully I am
healing physically and emotionally. Some of the changes have meant that
original plans have been deleted, but that blinking cursor has turned into
something more beautiful than I had ever intended. My husband and I are now on
the road to adoption. Anyone who is involved with this process knows that it is
full of WAIT. This dance has been different though. Instead of trying to
micromanage her, I am learning to embrace “wait” as a friend. Sure, her
friendship may be a little more silent and painful than I would like, but in
lingering with her I have found peace. Peace that allows me to realize that my
control was just an illusion.
So as I wait to work in my classroom, to see my roster, to
be chosen to parent a child I already deeply love, I issue a challenge to us
all. Don’t cringe when this 4 letter word invades your being. Instead, linger
with “wait” and let go of the illusion of control. I promise, her aching silence
will turn into beauty and her friendship, though tedious, will forge a better
you.
There is a little 4 letter word that people use in the wrong way and it is one of my biggest pet peeves. People throw the word around without truly thinking of the meaning. In my opinion, you should completely remove this little 4 letter word out of your vocabulary before you start using it in the wrong way.
There is no reason to have the word CAN’T in your vocabulary. CAN’T is short for CANNOT. Think about the times when you use the word CAN’T.
“I CAN’T run 2 miles”.
“I CAN’T hike that mountain”.
“I CAN’T lose the weight”
I can’t do this. I can’t do that. It is all complete BS. CAN’T means cannot. You CAN do all that stuff and MORE! But the reality of it is that you WON’T. You will not even try! If you are going to cop out of something, at least be truthful with yourself and everyone else and tell them that you are not really even willing to give it a try. Tell them you WON’T try the task at hand. Yes, that will show everyone you are afraid to try and that you really do not want to succeed, but at least you are being truthful right?
Want another option? DO IT. When someone challenges you at something, or you are faced with something that you think you CANNOT do, try it. Do it. Succeed. What do you have to lose? Honestly, what do you have to lose by trying it? Maybe you won’t succeed at doing it. Did you fail? NO. You created an outcome. Adjust your next try based on your outcome until you succeed. Plus, who is going to tell you that you failed at trying? The true failure in life is the failure of not trying.
I know that most people have the word “CAN’T” so heavily built within their vocabulary that not saying the word is difficult. But, like the overall message in this post, try it. Become conscious of what you are saying and every time you say “CAN’T”, ask yourself this question: “Can I really not do this? Or am I just not willing to try?”. More than likely, you aren’t really to try. So then change it and either say “Sorry, I am not willing to try” or say “Let’s do it!”. It is up to you.
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There’s a new 4-letter word these days: a word that causes chaos in checkout lines and rages at red lights, a word whose very syllable makes us cringe in horror. We hear – or experience – this word and our entire day can be ruined. That word?
Move small children away from the screen….
WAIT.
Mmmm-hmmm.
We used to have wait for stuff all the time. I waited for “Wizard of Oz” to come on TV (once a year, at Christmas, right after “Sound of Music”). I waited for cartoons on Saturday mornings. I waited to get my film developed to see what my pictures looked like. Later, I waited for Dave to get off the phone so I could get online. Then I waited for the dial-up internet to pop up on my huge desk top computer.
Waiting was part of life for millennia.
Not anymore, though. We – and by “we”, I mean “I” – no longer accept waiting. Food should be fast. Information should be faster. Want to watch “Wizard of Oz”? Sure! On your tablet, your phone, or your TV? And waiting for pics? What?! It’s actually kind of sad that we have no more terrible pictures floating around. Unless someone screen shots a Snap chat…
I am a big fan of technology (she types on her blog, attached to her social media sites…), but I recognize that we have lost something precious as we have gained all these cool gadgets. We have lost the discipline of patience. We have lost the gift of a gentle and quiet spirit. We are so desperately trying to keep up with all the things we don’t have to wait for that we no longer have the ability to enjoy the silence (what is that??).
Patience is a virtue, it is a gift, it is a fruit of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer. And patience is developed by *gulp* waiting. So don’t see it as a bad word or an inconvenience – waiting is an opportunity for God to speak to you, to be real to you, to develop patience in you. It really isn’t a 4-letter word. Except that it is. But you know what I mean.
So hurry up….and wait!