The one word that ends relationships

It’s frustrating when you have the same argument again and again.

You can’t find a solution. It starts with a simple misunderstanding, but somehow it becomes the hill you’re willing to die for. How does that happen?

You’re not alone.

There is one word that heats up arguments and makes both people lose it.

RELATED: 3 Tiny Little Words That Will Ruin Your Relationship

Hint—it’s a word that we use all the time. This word will escalate an argument FASTER THAN ANY OTHER WORD! Using this word makes a person defensive, annoyed and ready to attack. You’ll notice that your heartbeat increases and you start to get really angry.

So what is the word?

YOU!

Tag, You’re It!

A “you message” focuses on what the other person does rather than looking at yourself.

We do it without thinking. This is a common tactic in a conflict. It’s easier to see someone else’s behavior but pointing it out starts a battle.

Here’s some examples of «you» messages.

You never answer my texts. Why can’t you just respond when I ask you something? I wouldn’t be texting you if I didn’t need something but you’re always busy. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.

Then you’re off and running because a “you message” makes you feel criticized and want to lash out.

Hearing the word “you” ignites defensiveness because you feel compelled to defend yourself and prove them wrong. Even if you didn’t do anything, the desire to defend is automatic. You try to save face. If you blame the other person, you’re off the hook. You get to be right. Alcoholics and addicts do this to divert the attention away from the addiction, and it works. You get caught up accepting the blame rather than deciding for yourself.

RELATED: 8 Toxic Phrases That Destroy Relationships

How to stop the ping pong game 

When conversations start with a “you”, it becomes a frustrating game of ping pong. You feel criticized, so you launch a counterattack. Your partner does the same thing. This could go on forever. You have the same fight you’ve been having for years – without a resolution.

It’s so disheartening because nothing changes. If only the other person would change…

You can stop this cycle by keeping the focus on you. It sounds so simple. This starts the conversation on the right foot. Pay attention to how many times you hear a “you” today. You’ll see how it escalates a simple conversation. When “you messages” stop, the communicator becomes more accountable. You share without making the other person wrong. This often takes a bit of planning. Writing it out beforehand is always helpful.

Your partner will be more receptive because you can’t argue with a feeling. They’re more willing to listen because it’s not about being wrong. When sharing your perspective, you avoid blame.This sets a powerful example for the other person to do the same. There is no attempt at control. It’s a way to express yourself and not feel guilty afterward

The Power of I

Using “I messages” work. I talk about them a lot because they keep you out of trouble! The “I message” focuses on you.  Express your feelings, your opinions, your needs. Simple yet effective.

Here’s how it looks: I felt really hurt last night when you said I didn’t help with the housework. I did the dishes the night before, so I thought I was helping out.

The focus is on communicating your upset, not to attack. Keep the focus on the present situation. When you (name specific behavior) I felt (name feeling), and I’d like (name your need). 

Pay attention to how often you say you.

Paying attention is your challenge if you choose to accept it. Notice the connection between focusing on others and the intensity of your reactions. Start expressing yourself as an opinion to avoid being right.If you talk about your partner’s behavior, stick to the facts. Avoid generalizations like always and never. Those words cause defensiveness the same way “you” does. By keeping the focus on you, it becomes easier to listen and work things out. If the goal is to understand each other first, staying away from the “you’ is a great start.

It takes practice but it’s worth it.

RELATED: The Word That’s Hardest To Say In A Relationship — And No, It’s Not ‘I Love You’

Michelle Farris is a marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping people heal codependency and manage anger with practical tips that improve communication and trust. She’s a therapist who “walks her talk” and teaches others how to set healthy boundaries and improve self-care. Follow her on Facebook or sign up for her free 5-day email course on anger.

This article was originally published at Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Human beings are social creatures that thrive off of developing relationships. As such, we value the people we choose to share our lives with. As relationships mature and develop, they become more intimate and complex. Circumstances may arise that cause rifts in our relationships – with friends, family and our significant others. Indeed, it is important to minimize and mitigate these as they happen. Often times, it can be as simple as watching what you say.

Words are incredibly powerful things. Think about it: what can cause someone to be happy one moment, and then miserable the next? You guessed it: words. Many relationships have ended…ended…or become irreparably damaged, because of a slip of the tongue.

So, what are these words that we shouldn’t say? Sometimes, we don’t intend to hurt someone else by our words; this is where it gets a bit tricky.

Read these statements and conclude whether they are damaging or not:

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your calls or text messages. I’ve just been really busy.”

“That sounds like so much fun! Unfortunately, I’m busy with work.”

“I’d love to try that new place with you guys, but I’m busy with the kids.”

What do you think? On the surface, there certainly doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. After all, we all have responsibilities, so it’s safe to assume that they really are busy, right?

How Saying “I’m Busy” Devalues Your Relationships

Let’s discuss three reasons why the words “I’m busy” could leave you with fewer relationships…and three ways to address the issue better.

1. Everybody is busy

Here’s a newsflash that not really news at all: nearly every single person walking the earth is “busy.” If they’re not “busy,” they probably feel “busy.” To tell someone “I’m busy” is too quickly becoming a replacement phrase to avoid the discomfort of any kind.

After all, what is busy? You could be rushing around the office, grabbing at paperwork and spilling your coffee, or rushing inside the hotel where you’re staying on vacation. But when you think about it, these are not close to being one and the same.

To be truly “busy”, your schedule should be filled to the max with just enough time for family, food, and sleep. That’s busy. But most of us at least have some periods of downtime…downtime that we can (sometimes!) use to catch up with people who care about us and keep our relationships on good terms.

2. “Busy” is open to (often bad) interpretation

Most of us are caring individuals with good hearts, so we’ll grant some leeway to people that we care about. But when something becomes a bad habit, a consistent behavior that often leaves us hurt, then we are much less open to amicably agreeing with them.

More specifically, we’ll take “I’m busy” to a certain point…but when you’ve asked someone to meet for coffee and been denied for the tenth time, then you’re less likely to believe that they are indeed “busy”.

3. “I’m busy” often means “It’s not that important”

Balancing priorities is a difficult thing for many of us. We are so focused on careers, finances, and other things that it can make it extremely difficult to strike that ever-alluding “work/life” balance. The problem is that the words “I’m busy” do not elaborate on any of this, leading to others thinking that they’re just not that important.

In other words, “I’m busy” can lead to feelings of rejection – of them, their time, or their feelings. Of course, we don’t intend this often, but it’s not intention which is the problem here – it’s perception – the perception that the person is simply not important enough.

Although you may be tied up, there are ways to communicate more effectively and show the person that you do indeed care for them and their time.

That said, here are three tips on how to communicate better in relationships:

1. Elaborate

“I’m busy,” or a phrase to this effect, provides no specificity and is extremely vague. Of course, there are rare times when you simply must get off the phone ASAP (emergencies, an urgent meeting, etc.)

In non-emergency situations, a little more detail can go a long way. Let’s use an example to illustrate this:

“Gosh, I’d love to have your kids overnight, but I’m way too busy.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t have your kids overnight. Dave is already having people over for his Friday night poker with the boys.”

See the difference? The second statement provides reasoning, which is very important when telling someone “no”, whereas the first statement is simply a getaway phrase.

2. Arrange a time

If you are indeed busy or tuckered out from the demands placed on you, make an effort to arrange a different time. If you know that your kids need extra attention or you have an endless number of obligations, simply propose another time.

Here’s another area where an example is helpful:

“I’ve wanted to try that new restaurant! Unfortunately, I’m very busy.”

“Let’s try that new place! I can’t make this Friday night, but let’s do next Friday. I’m much more available then.”

Again, an immediate difference is felt, simply because of how the response is phrased. The first response demonstrates nothing except for that the “busy” person may want to try the new restaurant. The second response adds some enthusiasm and is proactively attempting to engage the other person, all while showing some initiative and flexibility.

It’s important to pause and emphasize the importance of effort in any relationship. Yes, we may be tied up, and our energy reserves diminished because of the demands placed on us. That said, we should remember that relationships are truly important; important enough to give some precious effort at times, even though it may be difficult.

3. Have that hard, honest conversation

If indeed you are putting off someone – not because of time constraints – then it’s important to have a conversation, as difficult as it may be.

For those of us who are non-confrontational (raises hand), this can be very (very) hard. But think of this: what does the other person deserve? Do they deserve having you continue to put them off, or do they deserve you to give it to them straight?

Regardless of the reason – lack of connection, lack of interest, etc. – it’s much easier, in the long run, to simply delay the inevitable. Time to say “Goodbye” and “Best wishes” instead of “I’m busy” over and over…and over.

Final Thoughts on Why Declaring You Are Busy Harms Relationships

You might be busy. Who isn’t? But declaring you are too involved with other stuff devalues the other person. It implies that your time is more valuable than theirs–whether you mean harm or not.  Let’s sum it up with this wise quote:

“Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.” ­– Robin Sharma

What is broken in a breakup? The relationship? Each individual person?

The word “breakup” is a metaphor based on a physical phenomenon. This is true of many words we use to express complex emotions, like feeling “low,” “torn,” or “adrift.” In the physical sense, breaking something up means chopping, cracking, or dividing it into many small pieces. The phrase was first used to describe plowland. Break up the soil, break up into small groups, break up the party because the cops are here.

There is something apt in the description of a “breakup” resulting in many tiny bits. Further metaphors extend this image. One feels “shattered,” one’s heart is “in a million pieces,” one strives to “put things back together.” In this picture, emotions are a 10,000-piece puzzle, held together by the relationship, which the breakup, like a mischievous nephew, has dismantled and mixed up. The end of a relationship has been shown to alter a person’s very sense of self, which they must reconstruct using some, but certainly not all, of the pieces available the last time around.

Yet in the context of the modern monogamous relationship, a breakup means something different. One thing becomes exactly two, not many, and each is left on its own. In this sense, a more accurate metaphor might be a “rift.” The surface of the earth, once seamlessly connected, is now separated by a chasm, passable by bridge but, without lots of time, force, and luck, never to be unified again.

At the beginning of any relationship there is already a rift. Separated by unfamiliarity and uncertainty, the two sides inch closer with shared experiences, trustworthy behavior, good sex, mutual respect, laughter, affection, and emotional support. The nearer those two sides become—including those life-affirming moments when they have fused completely, creating a swathe of land greater than the sum of the parts—the more painful it is to separate them once again. But that pain is even greater if the geological/emotional event that caused the rift has also led one or another side to crumble and break apart internally, or indeed if it was like that to begin with.

This is what makes the word “breakup” so good. Because neither the “rift” nor the “into many pieces” metaphors are satisfactory on their own; instead they work together to provide images of both the brokenness of the self and of the relationship. “Breakup” not only captures the feeling of drifting away from what was once so near, of looking at the other person standing across the gulf, getting smaller in the distance. So small that you are no longer sure whether they are facing you or looking away. It also captures the feeling that you are picking yourself up off the ground, like a window that has had a brick thrown at it.

The relationship is breaking up, and so are you. There is some comfort, at least, in knowing that there is a good way to talk about it.

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Love, breakups, and the language of postmodern relationships

💔

When we fall in love, we often believe the relationship will last forever. We always hope that this one is the one, that it will be different this time, and that there’s no way anything can ever happen to break you up.

Except, sometimes those things can happen, and you do break up. If we only look at the divorce rate, research shows it is around 50% (although measuring divorce rates is more complex than comparing marriages to divorces in a single year). Because they are not as closely monitored, it is much more difficult to obtain rates on casual and common law partnerships that break up.

Relationships end for a wide variety of reasons. Conflict is one common reason, but sometimes it involves other reasons that mean ending a relationship with someone you still care about. When this happens, you must learn to break up with someone you love. To do this, you should:

1. Acknowledge that it will cause pain on both sides
2. Have a face-to-face conversation
3. Be honest but not overly detailed
4. Avoid responding to arguments
5. Make a clean break in order to create distance
6. Be sympathetic
7. Don’t shame or blame the other person
8. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship

Why and How Do Breakups Happen?

Most of us enter relationships with the hope that we will never have to end them. Marriage, especially, is built on the premise that it will remain «until death do us part.»

Common causes for breakups include personality differences, lack of time spent together, infidelity, lack of positive interactions between the couple, low sexual satisfaction, and low overall relationship satisfaction.

How to Break up the Right Way

We say «right» way, but in reality, there is no right or «best» way to break up. Every relationship is different, and every person in a relationship is different. It is up to you to consider the personality, needs, and feelings of your partner as you read through this article and figure out how to end things.

Recognize That It’s Never Easy

Understand that there is no pain-free way to break up. We all wish that we could end relationships without any hurt or pain. But no matter how broken the relationship is, officially ending it will cause pain on both sides. Once you acknowledge that there will be pain, you can be prepared for the aftermath.

Do It Face-to-Face

If you’ve ever been dumped by text or email (or if you’ve been ghosted altogether), you know how it feels to be given so little consideration that the other person didn’t even bother to tell you in person. Why do the same to another person?

Your partner deserves the dignity of a face-to-face conversation. An intimate setting is arguably better, but if you are worried about your partner having a violent reaction, a public place is safer.

Be Honest But Don’t Give Too Much Detail

In general, people want to know why they’re being dumped. While «you’re terrible in bed» or «you lack ambition» might seem like an honest answer, it doesn’t really preserve your partner’s self-esteem or dignity.

Using a reflexive sentence like «I don’t feel we’re compatible sexually» or «I don’t think our long-term goals align anymore» are nicer ways to express your feelings. Don’t do a play-by-play of the things the other person did wrong or use clichés like «it’s not you, it’s me.»

Do Not Give in to Arguments or Protests

If the breakup is a surprise for the other person, they might try to argue, protest, or give reasons why you should remain together and try again one more time. If you are at the point of breaking up, nothing can restore or revive the relationship now. Giving in will only delay the inevitable.

Show Empathy

Express your sadness at the breakup and share some good things about your time together. Being dumped feels really bad. You can soften the blow a little by talking about some of the good times you shared together.

Say something like, «You taught me so much about cooking and I am a better cook now, thanks to you». You want to make the other person feel like they had a positive impact on your life despite the relationship ending.

Avoid Blaming or Shaming

Avoid turning the other person into «the bad guy.» Nobody’s perfect. You have faults too, and turning your ex-partner into an evil figure is not helpful (aside from obvious instances of violence, but that’s not the kind of relationship we’re talking about here).

They may have done some bad things, like cheating, but they are human too. It’s better to resolve your feelings around what they did (if they did anything wrong) rather than who they are.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Even if you are the one ending the relationship, there will be a period of heartbreak, sadness, and pain. This is one of the most difficult parts of figuring out how to break up with someone you love. You still care about them, but you need to remind yourself of the reasons why the relationship isn’t working.

A Word From Verywell

In any breakup situation, the most important thing to remember is to be kind and compassionate. It’s easy to forget how the other person might feel when we are so caught up in our own emotions, but it is essential to avoid centering the entire conversation on yourself. If you reach out with kindness and compassion, things will be much easier for everyone.

By Anabelle Bernard Fournier

Anabelle Bernard Fournier is a researcher of sexual and reproductive health at the University of Victoria as well as a freelance writer on various health topics.