Relationship is not just a word

Saturday, 27 December 2014

#Relationship is not just a word,
It’s perfect match between two Souls
It’s a silent commitment, Which says,
I will be with You #Forever __ <3

Status sent by: Amar Aulakh  Relationship Status

This is a post about two things: relationships, and a relationship.

It’s also a post I’ve been ambivalent about making — or rather, ambivalent about intending as a submission to the August Carnival of Aros. In my last post about the aro community, I discussed my relationship to the aro umbrella as a quoiromantic and came to no conclusions. Just three months ago, I hesitated about even commenting on Carnival of Aros submissions after the fact, worried about to what extent I might be considered an unwelcome intruder. In response to a private post about that concern, Sennkestra, one of the aros who helped launch the Carnival, not only reassured me about that, but also created the present FAQ Page for anyone else wondering the same thing. Under the heading “Who can participate,” that FAQ now extends an extensive invitation to not just confident aros, but also anyone who is questioning an aro identity, anyone who finds some aro narratives useful, anyone who identifies with something considered “adjacent” to aromanticism, and “anyone with any other type of relationship to aromanticism that I haven’t thought to list yet.” To some, maybe that’s overkill. To me, it’s just-enough-kill — just enough to confirm that I’m on the guest list.

With that said, this is a post that I might have written regardless: a reminder about the meaning of the term “relationships” itself & how I use it, plus some reflection on how my outlook on my own relationships has (and hasn’t) changed.

A “relationship” just means a relationship. It is an
extremely nondescript and generic kind of a word. It can refer to any
kind of connection or sustained link of interaction between people. All
relationships are relationships. Which means:

Relationship =/= romantic relationship. I see this use of the term
“relationship” all the time, even in aromantic
spaces,
and I know many of us are used to hearing “relationship advice” used
to mean “romantic relationship advice,” but romance does not make a
relationship “a relationship-relationship.” It is not the nature of
the concept’s truest form. It should not be treated as implicit and inherent in
the term “relationship” itself. All relationships are relationships.

And when I say “all relationships,” I mean all relationships, not just romantic & other kinds of partnerships. Which brings me to my next point.

Relationship =/= partnership. The term “relationship” is not just the romance-neutral, more-generic term for personal partnership. “Relationships” is a broader category than partnerships. “Relationships” does not mean “romantic relationships plus QPRs.” Even if a relationship is not a partnership, it is still a relationship. Yet I guarantee you, when the final roundup of Carnival of Aros entries is posted, there will be people using it in this extremely limited way, which is why this needs to be said. All relationships are relationships. And for that matter—

Relationship =/= chosen relationship. The term “relationship” is not restricted to peer-to-peer non-family personal relationships. We also have relationships in life that we did not choose, or that we chose for constrained, impersonal, logistical reasons. Terms like “boss,” “coworker,” “sister,” and “parent” all describe kinds of relationships. All relationships are relationships.

You may be with me so far, but to take this a step even further:

Relationship =/= individual relationship. The term “relationship” is not constrained to relationships in the form of pairs. When I came across this forum thread questioning as “queerplatonic” as potentially amatonormative, I was initially confused. It’s not amatonormative simply to have a name for such things. In queerplatonic’s case, the whole point of the name is to contradict amatonormativity. However, at this point, I would argue that a disproportionate focus on queerplatonic relationships can be considered just one of the consequences of a highly-individualistic outlook. That is, there is an issue when “relationships” are still being considered solely on the scale of person-to-person pairs. Having recognized that, what I’d like to point out is that our personal relationships don’t all always operate on the scale of the individual. The term “relationships” also includes group relationships.

Group relationships seem like they’re hardly discussed in the aro or ace communities as much as individual relationships. A lot of the posts and threads presented on the topic of “relationships”? …are about individual relationships, and usually just partnerships. Groups did earn a mention a post by Siggy back in in May, though, where he wrote “The more common pattern for me is to hang out with large friend circles. Within these circles, I’m a friend to all, but I’m not close to anyone in particular.” These kinds of connections among groups of people are something I could stand to see more people talk about.

And to be honest, that’s actually kind of a recent outlook of mine. If you had asked me ten years ago, I would have told you that such arrangements (or anything of the sort) sound… for lack of a better term, unfulfilling. For me, certainly, the hope of building a close connection with a kindred spirit holds a lot of narcissistic appeal—and as someone who’s used to being easily shut out and talked over, I used to think that groups and big multi-person conversations were basically… inaccessible to me. I thought I had to have conversations one-on-one in order to be heard or feel like I wasn’t getting ignored, because otherwise, the more assertive personalities in the room take over and I become an awkward wallflower. Over the years, though, I’ve ended up learning that I have a greater capacity for joining and valuing group relationships than I’d previously thought, as long as it’s the right kind of group. This realization didn’t hit me all at once, but rather crept on me with successive examples: my group relationship to a local ace meetup group, my group relationship to the beleaguered coworkers at my office job, and, most recently, my group relationship to my grad school cohort.

During my time in that grad program, it was actually bizarre to me how (relatively) well we got along, as a cohort. We were regularly having friendly conversations with each other and looking after each other and everything. I don’t want to talk it up too much or put it on a pedestal or anything — it wasn’t that close — but it was… nice. For someone like me, whose relationship to blood relatives was one best characterized by passive-aggression and screaming, my group relationship to my cohort actually felt the closest to a mutually-supportive family that I’ve ever experienced, even accounting for the fact that not all of us were particularly friends as individuals. There was just this very passive, very quiet sense that we all supported each other. And even that example, granted, is still talking about groups on a relatively small scale. You could also take this idea further.

You could also talk about relationships to community.

This is where I talk about another example, going back to that subject I’ve explored before: my relationship to the aro community.

In some respects, I’m still ambivalent. On the one hand, an aro recently responded to another round of compulsory-romantic-orientation suit of aces talk, which is reassuring. As I’ve explained before, exposure to other people’s willingness to stick up for me is something that helps me find confidence in claiming a connection to a community. On the other hand… there are some things going on with aros that are still getting to me, and I’m not just talking about my growing sense of frustration with flag culture.

For instance, despite taking pains to explain in excruciating detail why it it’s ideologically suspect and just plain a kick in the teeth, I’m still seeing the nonsense term “split attraction model” being conflated with romantic orientation & sexual orientation labeling. I’m talking about choices up to and including reblogging that Historicallyace post that I devoted a whole post to disputing back in March — and this is happening with not just anyone, mind you, but also with people I’ve already had direct conversations with about this. This isn’t just a case of people missing the memo; those are people I’ve explained this to, personally. They know I’ve written about it; they’re aware; they’ve seen it. Did they have unanswered questions? I don’t know; they haven’t asked. So when I don’t have any other clear sense on why people would not take my thoughts & wounds seriously, what am I supposed to take from that? What am I supposed to take from people continuing to naturalize any of this?

Or, hey, set that aside entirely. Why did I feel like the only one in Neir’s thread who was alarmed by the prescriptivism being expressed there? With the assertions like “Just because you have the right to call yourself something doesn’t mean that it’s true”?

Or, no, let’s go bigger. What about the aro heterosexual I witnessed tell a fellow aro that their asexual identity “didn’t make sense,” where I just happened to get a few words in before the thread was deleted? What about all the posts I see pitting aros and aces against each other as if “aces” isn’t a group that also includes some aros? Why do we have allosexual aros talking as if asexuality is a detriment to credibility? Why do I see a post from an aro ace saying things like “aces shouldn’t be giving aro education,” immediately followed by contradicting themselves in the next sentence, as if “aces” doesn’t include aro aces? Why do I feel like I’m one of maybe only one or two people who’ve noticed how often aros discussing aromanticism are using the term “aces” to mean “alloromantic aces“? Let alone how frequently the impact of sexnormativity is downplayed in order to play up the salience of amatonormativity? Why do I have to see allosexuals acting like their aro identity means they feel no responsibility not to come off as anti-ace?

In the prompt list for the Carnival of Aros, Oliver asked, “How has your orientation impacted your relationships to the communities you belong to?” And I’d say my orientation as a gray-ace has impacted my relationship to the communities I apparently don’t belong to, in that I find myself at a loss for what to make of all this.

What I wanted to write here was just a post about all the different things that “relationships” can mean. With the Carnival’s theme of “relationships” this month, it seemed like a fitting entry. What I really want to hammer home, though, isn’t just that “relationships does not equal partnership,” as much as people clearly need the reminder sometimes. That also goes for the aro community, too, and I think it would be easier to shed the habit if we stopped thinking of relationships in such exclusively individualistic terms. Relationships to community seem like a prime example here. I could have just ended the post on that thought, I know. Thing is, if I’m writing this an entry for the Carnival of Aros, then I want to state in no uncertain terms: this doesn’t mean my ambivalence about the aro community has been resolved. Far from it. On the one hand, I could take every callous or eyebrow-raising comment as just an instance of individual choices — but at what what point do we draw the line between an assortment of individual choices and a pattern in the community? As someone adjacent to aromanticism, looking back on everything I mentioned above, what exactly am I supposed to conclude here?

Interpersonal relationships make up a huge and vital part of your life. These relationships can range from close and intimate to distant and challenging. No matter the nature of the relationship, different types of relationships help make up the social support network that is pivotal for both your physical and mental well-being.

To better understand and discuss these relationships accurately, it can be helpful to learn more about the different types of relationships that a person can have. 

What Is a Relationship?

A relationship is any connection between two people, which can be either positive or negative.

You can have a relationship with a wide range of people, including family and friends. The phrase «being in a relationship,» while often linked with romantic relationships, can refer to various associations one person has with another.

To «be in a relationship» doesn’t always mean there is physical intimacy, emotional attachment, and/or commitment involved. People engage in many different types of relationships that have unique characteristics.

Relationships typically fall into one of several different categories (although these can sometimes overlap):

• Family relationships
• Friendships
• Acquaintances
• Romantic relationships
• Sexual relationships
• Work relationships
• Situational relationships (sometimes called «situationships»)

These different forms of relationships can vary greatly in terms of closeness, and there are also different subtypes of relationships within each of these basic types. Some of the different kinds of relationships that you might experience at some point in your life include the following.

Platonic Relationships

A platonic relationship is a type of friendship that involves a close, intimate bond without sex or romance. These relationships tend to be characterized by:

• Closeness
• Fondness
• Understanding
• Respect
• Care
• Support
• Honesty 
• Acceptance

Platonic relationships can occur in a wide range of settings and can involve same-sex or opposite-sex friendships. You might form a platonic relationship with a classmate or co-worker, or you might make a connection with a person in another setting such as a club, athletic activity, or volunteer organization you are involved in.

This type of relationship can play an essential role in providing social support, which is essential for your health and well-being. Research suggests that platonic friendships can help reduce your risk for disease, lower your risk for depression or anxiety, and boost your immunity.

Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are those characterized by feelings of love and attraction for another person. While romantic love can vary, it often involves feelings of infatuation, intimacy, and commitment. 

Experts have come up with a variety of different ways to describe how people experience and express love. For example, psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. Romantic love, he explains, is a combination of passion and intimacy.

Romantic relationships tend to change over time. At the start of a relationship, people typically experience stronger feelings of passion. During this initial infatuation period, the brain releases specific neurotransmitters (dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin) that cause people to feel euphoric and «in love.» 

Over time, these feelings start to lessen in their intensity. As the relationship matures, people develop deeper levels of emotional intimacy and understanding.  

Codependent Relationships

A codependent relationship is an imbalanced, dysfunctional type of relationship in which a partner has an emotional, physical, or mental reliance on the other person.

It is also common for both partners to be mutually co-dependent on each other. Both may take turns enacting the caretaker role, alternating between the caretaker and the receiver of care.

Characteristics of a codependent relationship include:

• Acting as a giver while the other person acts as a taker
• Going to great lengths to avoid conflict with the other person
• Feeling like you have to ask permission to do things
• Having to save or rescue the other person from their own actions
• Doing things to make someone happy, even if they make you uncomfortable
• Feeling like you don’t know who you are in the relationship
• Elevating the other person even if they’ve done nothing to earn your goodwill and admiration

Not all codependent relationships are the same, however. They can vary in terms of severity. Codependency can impact all different types of relationships including relationships between romantic partners, parents and children, friendship, other family members, and even coworkers.

Someone who feels more comfortable being needed, for instance, may avoid focusing on their own needs by choosing a partner who constantly needs them.

Casual Relationships

Casual relationships often involve dating relationships that may include sex without expectations of monogamy or commitment. However, experts suggest that the term is vague and can mean different things to different people. 

According to the authors of one study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, casual relationships can encompass situations such as:

• One-night stands
• Booty calls
• «Sex» buddies
• Friends with benefits 

Such relationships often exist on a continuum that varies in the levels of frequency of contact, type of contact, amount of personal disclosure, discussion of the relationship, and degree of friendship. The study found that people with more sexual experience were better able to identify the definitions of these labels compared to people with less sexual experience.

Casual relationships are often common among young adults. As long as casual relationships are marked by communication and consent, they can have several sex-positive benefits. They can satisfy the need for sex, intimacy, connection, and companionship without the emotional demand and energy commitment of a more serious relationship.

Open Relationships

An open relationship is a type of consensually non-monogamous relationship in which one or more partners have sex or relationships with other people. Both people agree to have sex with other people in an open relationship but may have certain conditions or limitations.

Open relationships can take place in any type of romantic relationship, whether casual, dating, or married. 

There tends to be a stigma surrounding non-monogamous relationships. Still, research suggests that around 21% to 22% of adults will be involved in some type of open relationship at some point in their life.

The likelihood of engaging in an open relationship also depends on gender and sexual orientation. Men reported having higher numbers of open relationships compared to women; people who identify as gay, lesbian, and bisexual relative to those who identify as heterosexual were more likely to report previous engagement in open relationships.

Such relationships can have benefits, including increased sexual freedom and pitfalls such as jealousy and emotional pain. Open relationships are more successful when couples establish personal, emotional, and sexual boundaries and clearly communicate their feelings and needs with one another.

Toxic Relationships

A toxic relationship is any type of interpersonal relationship where your emotional, physical, or psychological well-being is undermined or threatened in some way. Such relationships often leave you feeling ashamed, humiliated, misunderstood, or unsupported.

Any type of relationship can be toxic including friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, or workplace relationships.

Toxic relationships are characterized by:

• A lack of support
• Blaming
• Competitiveness
• Controlling behaviors
• Disrespect
• Dishonesty
• Gaslighting
• Hostility
• Jealousy
• Passive-aggressive behaviors
• Poor communication
• Stress

Sometimes all people in a relationship play a role in creating this toxicity. For example, you may be contributing to toxicity if you are all consistently unkind, critical, insecure, and negative.

In other cases, one person in a relationship may behave in ways that create toxic feelings. This may be intentional, but in other cases, people may not fully understand how they are affecting other people. Because of their past experiences with relationships, often in their home growing up, they may not know any other way of acting and communicating.

This doesn’t just create discontentment—toxic relationships can take a serious toll on your health. For example, according to one study, stress caused by negative relationships has a direct impact on cardiovascular health. Feeling isolated and misunderstood in a relationship can also lead to loneliness, which has been shown to have detrimental effects on both physical and mental health.

Defining Your Relationship

How you define your relationship depends on various factors, including what matters to you and how the other person feels. To define your relationship, it can be helpful to ask a few questions:

• Do you have romantic feelings for one another?
• What does each person hope to get out of the relationship?
• How much time do you want to spend together?
• Where do you see the relationship going?
• Are you currently involved with or want to be involved with other people?

Figuring out what matters to you and your partner is an important step in defining the type of relationship you are interested in having. You might find that you are both on the same page or discover that you want different things out of your relationship. 

Defining your relationship doesn’t have to mean committing for the long-term. Instead, it can be a way to help you both better understand the boundaries and expectations of your relationship.

How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy

Regardless of how you define your relationship, there are important steps you can take to ensure that your connection is healthy. Strategies that can help include:

• Showing appreciation and gratitude
• Communicating openly and honestly
• Being affectionate and showing that you care 
• Mutual respect 
• Actively listening
• Showing interest in each other
• Being supportive and encouraging
• Feeling empathy for each other
• Spending time together
• Having healthy boundaries
• Being trustworthy

Communication is often the single most important thing in a relationship. Good relationships are also marked by honesty, trust, and reciprocity. This doesn’t mean that the relationship is purely transactional; it indicates that you naturally engage in a give and take that provides mutually beneficial support.

A Word From Verywell

No matter what type of relationship you have with another person(s), it is important for it to be a healthy one. Healthy relationships are characterized by trust, mutual respect, openness, honesty, and affection. Good communication is also a hallmark of a healthy relationship.

There are steps that you can take to improve your relationships with other people. Making sure you let others know you care and showing your appreciation are two strategies that can be helpful. 

But if a relationship is causing stress or shows signs of being toxic, look for ways to establish clear boundaries, talk to a therapist, or even consider ending the relationship if it is too unhealthy.

Social relationships are important and they come in all different types. Having a variety of relationships with different people can ensure that you have the support and connections you need for your emotional health and well-being.