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Last updated:
March 24, 2023
As you might already know, idioms are phrases that have their own special meanings.
Once you know what they mean, it’s hard to forget! Then you can easily use them in conversations yourself.
Plus, a lot of idiomatic phrases are just plain funny.
So get ready to laugh as we take a look look at 42 funny English sayings, and prepare to build your vocabulary along the way.
Contents
- Funny English Sayings
-
- 1. The elephant in the room
- 2. Keep your eyes peeled
- 3. Go down a rabbit hole
- 4. Put a pin in it
- 5. Pick your brain
- 6. Rise and shine
- 7. Put out feelers
- 8. Best thing since sliced bread
- 9. Pardon my French
- 10. Pour your heart out/into (something)
- 11. Keep your shirt on
- 12. I’ll show myself out
- 13. Be swamped
- 14. Take a chill pill
- 15. Do you want a cookie?
- 16. Move it or lose it
- 17. Call dibs
- 18. Have a heart
- 19. Pretty please
- 20. Throw (someone) a bone
- 21. A bone to pick with (someone)
- 22. Have/throw a pity party
- 23. Where do you get off…
- 24. Jump on the bandwagon
- 25. Up to (one’s) eyeballs
- 26. Stuffed to the gills
- 27. Bend over backwards
- 28. Keep a cool head
- 29. Fly off the handle
- 30. Be cheesed off
- 31. Be a happy camper
- 32. Pig out
- 33. Chew the fat / Shoot the s**t
- 34. Tear (one’s) hair out
- 35. Out of the woodwork
- 36. Out of the frying pan and into the fire
- 37. Eat (someone or something) for breakfast
- 38. Have a s**t/hissy fit
- 39. Wrack (one’s) brains
- 40. Have a frog in (one’s) throat
- 41. Like pulling teeth
- 42. Burn the candle at both ends
- Where to Find More Funny English Sayings
-
- The Free Dictionary Idioms
- FluentU
- Phrases.com
Download:
This blog post is available as a convenient and portable PDF that you
can take anywhere.
Click here to get a copy. (Download)
Funny English Sayings
Ready to learn some funny English phrases? The ones below are very common and useful. Let’s look at what their meanings are and how you can use them in conversation.
1. The elephant in the room
This might be one of the weirdest English phrases in existence. If you say that something is the elephant in the room, you mean that thing is very obvious, but no one’s talking about it. Usually, “the elephant in the room” is something that makes people uncomfortable, which is why no one’s talking about it.
The truth is, we aren’t reaching a wider audience because our writing team isn’t diverse* enough. I didn’t want to have to say it, but this is becoming the elephant in the room.
*When people use the word “diverse” or “diversity,” they’re often talking about racial diversity. This word is used in conversations about how to include people of color (a term for non-white people that’s often used in an American setting) or other groups in areas where they haven’t been made to feel welcome in the past.
The short film “The Elephant in the Room” plays with this saying in a funny way.
In the film, James, whose girlfriend has just moved in with him, needs to tell his roommate, Phil, to move out, but he keeps avoiding it because the situation makes him uncomfortable. What makes this funny is that Phil is actually an elephant and he keeps getting bigger and bigger as James avoids talking to him.
2. Keep your eyes peeled
Gross, right?
Who would want to peel their own eyes, like they were fruits or vegetables? If your eyes are already peeled, how do you keep them that way?
Of course, you don’t have to use this phrase yourself if it sounds too disgusting. But at some point, you’ll probably hear someone say it to mean “watch out [for something].”
Okay, the street you need to turn on is up here, so keep your eyes peeled.
3. Go down a rabbit hole
The idea of going down a rabbit hole (or going down the rabbit hole) comes from Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland.”
In the book, a girl named Alice falls down a rabbit hole and finds herself in a strange, magical place called Wonderland.
Going down the/a rabbit hole can mean getting into a situation that’s overwhelming and unpredictable.
However, it’s also used these days to talk about becoming deeply interested in a particular topic. No matter which meaning is being used, going down a rabbit hole might take you to unexpected places.
I went down a rabbit hole looking at muffin recipes, and now I’m thinking about opening my own bakery.
4. Put a pin in it
This is something people say to suggest coming back to a subject and discussing it later. It helps to picture someone pinning something up on a board.
This phrase is used a lot in workplace settings. It can sometimes sound like an excuse to avoid something and might be used that way, but it can also be said completely honestly and sincerely.
– So I had an idea for how we could make our team more diverse.
– That sounds great, but we’re out of time right now. Let’s put a pin in it.
5. Pick your brain
Here’s another saying that sounds pretty gross. Why would you pick someone’s brain?
Well, if you think someone’s ideas or intelligence could be useful to you, it might make perfect sense. To pick someone’s brain just means to see what they think or know about a particular subject .
Hey, can I pick your brain about this new project? I’d love to ask you some questions about it.
6. Rise and shine
If someone tells you to rise and shine, you might think, “Isn’t that the sun’s job?” And that’s a fair point!
“Rise and shine” is a phrase you can use to wake someone up in the morning. Sometimes parents say it to their children. But if you’re not a morning person, you might hate to hear it.
– Hey there, sleepyhead, rise and shine!
– No, go away! Let me sleep a little longer.
In 2019, a video of celebrity Kylie Jenner singing the words “Rise and shine” to her daughter went viral (became popular very quickly) on social media. People began to make videos of themselves singing the words too, and the moment became a meme.
7. Put out feelers
To put out feelers means to see what people think or feel about something, often before taking some kind of action.
We’re not sure if people are interested in a bakery that only sells muffins. So we’re just putting out feelers right now to see if it’s a good idea.
8. Best thing since sliced bread
This is definitely one of the weird English phrases that will make you sound like a native.
If you say something is the best thing since sliced bread, you’re saying it’s great.
Have you seen how much he loves that video game? He thinks it’s the best thing since sliced bread.
“Sliced bread” by itself can also be used to refer to something that’s great or amazing. This video is about a burrito and calls it “the sliced bread of food that’s not sliced bread” when describing its history.
9. Pardon my French
Why would someone excuse themselves for speaking French? Well, as it turns out, this is something English speakers say to apologize for swearing or using “bad language.”
It’s possible that this expression came from a time when English speakers really would excuse themselves for speaking French in front of someone who didn’t know the language.
Why the f**k is this game so hard to win? Pardon my French.
10. Pour your heart out/into (something)
This may not be as gross as keeping your eyes peeled, but it still sounds weird, right? To pour your heart out is to confess a deep feeling, or to be very honest about what you’re feeling.
To pour your heart into something is to try your absolute best or put all of your effort into it.
I poured my heart into this bakery, and it just isn’t working out. I’m so disappointed.
11. Keep your shirt on
This is simply a way of telling someone to calm down.
– I don’t get it! Why doesn’t anyone want to buy my muffins!?
– Hey, keep your shirt on. Maybe you just need a better business plan.
12. I’ll show myself out
To “show [someone] out” is to guide or escort someone out of a location, like a building. If someone says, “I’ll show myself out,” this might mean “It’s all right, I can find my way out by myself.”
However, this is also a phrase that someone might say after telling a joke that’s bad because it’s so cheesy (embarrassingly obvious) or just not very funny. It’s like saying, “It’s okay, you don’t have to make me leave. I’ll leave by myself.”
When used in the second way, “I’ll show myself out” is meant to be a joke. So you wouldn’t actually leave after saying it.
– Why was six afraid of seven?
– I don’t know. Why?
– Because seven ate* nine. I’ll show myself out.
*Note that “ate” is the past tense of the verb “to eat,” but it is pronounced exactly the same as the number eight. This is a very common, cheesy joke!
13. Be swamped
This is another expression often used in the workplace. When someone is swamped, it means they have so much work to do that they don’t have time for anything else. Or at least that’s what they want you to think!
– Hey, can you help me with something for a minute?
– Sorry, I can’t. I’m totally swamped.
14. Take a chill pill
This is like “keep your shirt on.” You might say it to someone who’s arguing with you to suggest that they’re acting rudely or inappropriately.
– Banana muffins are the BEST kind of muffins in the entire world! I could go on about them forever!
– Whoa, calm down, dude. Take a chill pill.
15. Do you want a cookie?
This expression usually isn’t used in a very nice way. “Do you want a cookie?” is kind of like “So what?”
You might say this to someone who’s bragging about something and seems to think they deserve some kind of special prize.
– Some people just aren’t willing to work hard. But not me. I keep going no matter what. I never quit.
– Uh, okay, whatever. Do you want a cookie or something?
16. Move it or lose it
The meaning of the first two words is pretty obvious. “Move it or lose it” just means “move.”
But what will you lose if you don’t move? A shoe? Your wallet? Your pride? No one really knows.
The truth is, it’s hard to use this phrase completely seriously. It’s something you might say if you need to get through a crowded space or to warn someone of danger (for example, if you’re carrying a pot of hot water), but it usually isn’t meant as an actual threat.
Hey everyone, I’m coming through! Move it or lose it!
17. Call dibs
“Dibs!” is a way of claiming something, or saying “That’s mine!”
This is an expression that young children use, but adults might use it, too, either jokingly or seriously. Even if they use it seriously, they’re probably still acting a little silly.
They might also say, “I call dibs on that” or just “I call [something].”
– So here are the muffins I just baked…
– Oh! I call dibs on blueberry!
18. Have a heart
Why would you order someone to have a heart? Everyone already has one, right?
You might already know that in English-speaking cultures (and others) the heart is associated with (related to) caring and love, and with emotions and feelings in general.
If you tell someone to have a heart, you’re expressing that you think they should be nicer or care about others more.
– I don’t care whether young people have opportunities or not. It’s not my problem.
– Oh, come on, have a heart!
The Bonnie Raitt song “Have a Heart” is about a selfish man who isn’t good at dealing with another person’s feelings in a relationship:
Hey, hey, have a heart, hey, have a heart
If you don’t love me, why don’t you let me go?
Have a heart, please, oh don’t you have a heart?
Little by little you fade while I fall apart, oh, oh
19. Pretty please
This is another expression often used by children, but adults might use it when they’re being silly. It’s a way of trying to be extra convincing when you’re asking for something.
It’s like saying, “See how nice and polite I can be? Now give me what I want!”
– Can I have the rest of your muffin?
– Hmm, I don’t know.
– Pretty please?
20. Throw (someone) a bone
If you throw someone a bone, you do them a favor or help them out in some way. Often, the thing that’s given or being asked for is something small.
– Hey, can I have a job at your new bakery?
– No, sorry, we aren’t hiring right now.
– Then can I at least have a free muffin?
– No.
– Come on, throw me a bone!
21. A bone to pick with (someone)
If you have a bone to pick with someone, it means you have a problem with them that needs to be resolved or talked about.
– Listen, I have a bone to pick with you.
– You do?
– Yeah, you really hurt my feelings when you wouldn’t give me a job. I thought we were friends.
22. Have/throw a pity party
Here’s another expression that can sound very mean. If you talk about people having or throwing a pity party, you’re saying they’re spending time feeling sorry for themselves over something that isn’t worth it.
– You didn’t give Tim the job, did you?
– No, and he’s having a pity party about it right now.
23. Where do you get off…
Using this expression is kind of like saying, “How dare you?”
You can also think of it as meaning, “How exactly do you justify…”
Where do you get off telling me (a woman) what it’s like for women in the working world?
24. Jump on the bandwagon
If you jump on the bandwagon, you go along with whatever the latest trend is, whether that’s fashion, a popular item, a certain hobby or something else.
Well, now everyone is selling muffins. Should we jump on the bandwagon and do it, too?
25. Up to (one’s) eyeballs
If you’re up to your eyeballs in something, it means you have a lot of it. Usually, whatever you’re up to your eyeballs in is something you don’t want.
I’m up to my eyeballs in work this week! I’m swamped!
26. Stuffed to the gills
This one’s a little similar to the last expression. If you’re stuffed to the gills (the parts fish use to breathe), you’ve eaten a lot!
You might use this expression to refuse more food, meaning that you couldn’t possibly eat any more.
It can also be a nice way of complimenting someone’s cooking because it suggests that the food was so good that you ate more than you meant to.
– More potatoes?
– Oh, no thank you! I’m stuffed to the gills. What a delicious meal!
27. Bend over backwards
When you bend over backwards, you put all your effort into something. This expression is often used to say that someone puts a lot of energy into pleasing someone else.
You always bend over backwards to help her, but would she do the same for you?
28. Keep a cool head
If you get angry enough, your head might actually feel hot! Keeping a cool head means staying calm, even when something makes you angry or upset.
I know that they’re not being very nice right now, but it’s important to keep a cool head.
29. Fly off the handle
If you don’t keep a cool head, you might fly off the handle, or suddenly become very angry.
I tried to stay calm, I really did. But then he said my dog was ugly, and I just flew off the handle.
30. Be cheesed off
If you’re cheesed off, you might not fly off the handle, but you’re still pretty annoyed.
I’m just cheesed off about these new office rules. I need more than 10 minutes for a snack break!
31. Be a happy camper
If you’re a happy camper, you’re not cheesed off at all. You’re happy, whether or not you’re camping. You can also say that someone is “not a happy camper” to say that they aren’t happy.
I’m not too hard to please. Just give me a nice, hot cup of coffee and I’ll be a happy camper.
32. Pig out
When you pig out, you eat a lot. While this expression can be used to be mean about someone else’s eating habits, people often use it to talk about themselves in a joking way.
I skipped breakfast, so I’m totally going to pig out at lunch today.
33. Chew the fat / Shoot the s**t
These two expressions might be the grossest and funniest on this list. They both refer to having a nice, friendly conversation.
– Hey, come over sometime and we’ll chew the fat.
– Okay, sure. Maybe we can go out for a beer and shoot the s**t.
34. Tear (one’s) hair out
If you’re tearing your hair out, you’re really stressed out.
I lost my job, so I was tearing my hair out trying to figure out how to pay rent.
35. Out of the woodwork
“Woodwork” refers to the wooden parts of a building or room. For example, a window frame made of wood could be called woodwork.
When you say that something came “out of the woodwork,” you mean that it seemed to come out of nowhere.
Now, all of a sudden, you see these new muffin bakeries coming out of the woodwork.
36. Out of the frying pan and into the fire
This phrase can be used to talk about something or someone going from a bad situation to a worse situation.
If you try to start a new business when you’re already in debt, you might be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
37. Eat (someone or something) for breakfast
If you say that you eat someone or something for breakfast, you’re saying that you feel like you’re better than that person or thing. You’re saying that they can’t stand in your way, because if you wanted to, you could destroy them!
This phrase is often used to comment on the strengths or weaknesses of people who are competing in some way, like politicians or sports stars.
He’s going to eat all the other competitors for breakfast.
38. Have a s**t/hissy fit
You might also hear this as “have a conniption.” This expression might change depending on the region you’re in, but saying that someone is having a certain kind of fit often means the person is overreacting or being dramatic. They’re probably flying off the handle.
When I told her that we weren’t going to be able to go on vacation this year, she threw a hissy fit.
39. Wrack (one’s) brains
We have already talked about what it means to pick someone else’s brain. Now it’s time to talk about wracking your own brains! But what does “wrack” even mean? And don’t some people spell it “rack”?
The truth is, you can spell it either way, and most people don’t know (or care) exactly what this word means by itself.
(If you’re curious, “wrack” appears in an older English word for “shipwreck,” and “rack” can refer to a type of torture used in the Middle Ages.)
But wracking or racking your brains is sort of like picking your own brain with a lot of effort.
I wracked my brains trying to remember her phone number, but I just couldn’t.
40. Have a frog in (one’s) throat
A frog doesn’t seem like something you would want in your throat!
But if you have a sore throat, or if your throat just feels dry and you’re having trouble speaking normally, you might say that you have a frog in your throat.
*cough* *cough* Sorry, I seem to have a frog in my throat.
41. Like pulling teeth
Wow, pulling teeth doesn’t sound very nice either, does it? Well, that’s kind of the point with this saying.
If something is like pulling teeth, it’s very difficult. Often, this phrase is used to express a difficulty that you’re having with a particular person.
I’ve tried to talk to him about finding a new job, but it’s like pulling teeth.
42. Burn the candle at both ends
Burning a candle at both ends sounds silly and also dangerous. If it’s burning at both ends, how do you put it down without setting something on fire? And again, that’s part of the point.
Burning the candle at both ends means going to bed late and getting up early, or working long hours, which of course will eventually have bad effects on a person.
He’s been burning the candle at both ends, working in the daytime and going to school at night. I don’t know how much longer he can go on like this.
Where to Find More Funny English Sayings
The Free Dictionary Idioms
You won’t only find funny phrases and expressions here, but many idioms are funny. One of the best things about this site is that you can search for a single word and see all of the idioms that word appears in. For example, I can type in the word “apple” and get a huge list of phrases with “apple” in them, like “Big Apple” (a nickname for New York City) and “upset the applecart” (ruin someone’s plans).
FluentU
When you learn with the same entertaining videos English speakers watch, you naturally learn funny idiomatic phrases. FluentU takes that kind of content and adds interactive subtitles to clarify what idioms mean as you see them. There are also review quizzes and multimedia flashcards to help you remember what you’re learning. The videos are pulled from all kinds of material, including TV shows, movies, music videos and vlog videos.
Phrases.com
This is a big collection of phrases that you can browse in a few different ways. If you want to explore a certain word or phrase, you can search for it or find it in a list. You can also look at newly added phrases, pull up a random phrase or see “nearby phrases” (ones that are similar to the phrase you’re looking at). It’s easy to spend time learning on this site even if you aren’t looking for anything in particular.
And there you have it—42 funny English sayings to make you sound like a native.
The English language is full of funny phrases, and now you know a lot more of them!
Download:
This blog post is available as a convenient and portable PDF that you
can take anywhere.
Click here to get a copy. (Download)
Witty one-liners are the best ice breakers, and they never seem to fail. All you have to do is choose the correct place to pop them and not end up being inappropriate.
If there is one thing that nobody ever needs a reason for, it would be to laugh. In today’s life, when people need to make time to seek happiness, something as simple as a few words put together can give them joy enough to carry on with the mundane task of making two ends meet. In this Quotabulary article, you will find just that – a few breathers that will refresh you anytime, anywhere. This article contains funny one-liners and quotes, and not literally phrases and slogans.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
You can’t be late until you show up.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
Was today really necessary?
Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
I’m objective; I object to everything.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions?
Overpopulation… too much of a good thing.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
Heaven won’t take me and hell’s afraid I’ll take over.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. ~ Tom Stoppard
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Last Updated: September 12, 2022
Funny sayings are a clever way to provide a combination of wisdom and humor. These short fun sayings provide a silly expression usually using wordplay or puns to make somebody laugh.
Try to remember some of these funny phrases from our list, so when the time is right, you can say one of these hilarious lines from memory, to make somebody smile.
- I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
- If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
- Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
- If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
- Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
- I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
- My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…
- Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
- I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.
- I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
- I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.
- I am nobody, nobody is perfect, I am perfect.
- A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
- Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
- The road to success is always under construction.
- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
- If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?
- Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- God created the world, everything else is made in China.
- Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
- When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
- I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
- You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
- You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
- Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Contribute Funny Sayings
We hope you enjoyed our list of the funniest sayings, if you know any fun phrases and want to share them, send us a message using our submission form. If we find your sayings funny we’ll add them to our list!
More funny pages
Need more funny lines to make somebody laugh? Try out our list of funny compliments or funny quotes which you can tell somebody to make them smile.
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Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.
Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. In the words of Tom Wilson: “A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!”
Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins.
So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today.
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
Mitch Hedberg
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
Ann Landers
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!
Tom Wilson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Shulz
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Charleton Heston
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Waterson
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain
I am only human, although I regret it.
Mark Twain
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Nobody provides laughs like comedians. After all, they do it for a living!
These funny quotes are some of the best we could find from hilarious actors and comics alike.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
Jay Leno
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Bill Maher
This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.
Bill Maher
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
Conan O’Brien
The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
Conan O’Brien
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
Gilbert Gottfried
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
Gilbert Gottfried
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
Larry David
If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.
Larry David
I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.
Seth MacFarlane
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West
I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.
Marc Maron
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.
Margaret Culkin Banning
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Matt Groening
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Rita Mae Brown
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Woody Allen
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Bill Murray
Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.
Will Ferrell
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot
Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.
Thomas Sowell
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.
Dick Cavett
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Sid Caesar
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Franklin Jones
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
Ron White
DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’
Ron White
I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.
Ron White
Quotes to Make You Laugh
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
Benjamin Franklin
Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
Bob Thaves
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
George W. Bush
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!
Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
Helen Rowland
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
Henny Youngman
Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.
Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles Schulz
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
Josh Billings
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
Kin Hubbard
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.
Fatz Domino
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.
Thomas Lansing Masson
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Sam Ewing
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
Si Robertson
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H.L. Mencken
I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.
Jay Shulte
I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
Michael Scott
Funny Sayings
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Voltaire
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Chruchill
f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.
Jessica Simpson
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.
J.R. Ewing, Dallas
A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.
Michael Douglas, Wall Street
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Derek Bok
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
H. Kyle Seale
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.
Mark Twain
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Joan Collins
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kenendy
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Sir Alec Issigonis
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Steven Weinberg
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Steven Wright
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Samuel Goldwyn
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
Scott Adams
When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
Sydney J. Harris
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Steve Carell, The Office
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
Joel Osteen
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles Dudley Warner
If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.
Jim Rome
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Bill Hicks
Funny Observations
Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh.
These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Oscar Wilde
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Albert Camus
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
Anton Chekhov
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Christopher Morley
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
Dennis Waitley
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
Doug Larson
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Mathau
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
Nicholas M. Butler
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
J. Paul Getty
Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.
Janet Evanovich
Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
Jeffree Star
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
Jim Harrison
Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
Jim Rohn
It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Navjot Singh Sidhu
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
John Wayne
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
Bill Vaughan
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
Laurence J. Peter
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
Norm Crosby
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers
If you’re looking for a more serious take on life, also read our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Scott Adams
A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Chruchill
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
Ellen DeGeneris
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.
Mark Withers
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Marty Allen
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
Rich Hall
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Doug Larson
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
Demetri Martin
We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day.
Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired.
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100 Coolest Funny Quotes and Sayings in English
1. God is really creative, I mean… just look at me 😛
2. Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.
3. I always dream of being a millionaire like my friend!
.
He’s dreaming too 
4. Maybe some bad actions have good consequences !
5. I’m trying to die but I can’t. I need to be Cinderella.
6. If at first you don’t succeed…
.
Skydiving is not for you!
7. Always borrow money from a pessimist…
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He won’t expect it back.
8. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
9. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
10. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
11. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
12. The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
13. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
14. All my life a thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.
15. You have the perfect face for radio.
16. People said to follow your dreams so I went back to bed.
17. How can I miss something I never had?
18. If I agreed with you we both were wrong.
19. If nobody hates you, then you are doing something boring.
20. When your phone are 1% battery and anyone who sends a message, or calling, becomes the enemy…
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21. Every problem comes with some solution… if it doesn’t have any solution, it’s a Girl!
22. I wish my parents were like Google… they should understand me even before I complete…
23. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software… it’s called #Sunday, please fix it!
24. I want my Girlfriend like Google, She will understand me better.
25. My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
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26. Sometimes all you need is love. Lol, just kidding, you need money :’)
27. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
28. I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!
29. Everything funnier when your supposed to be quiet..
30. Don’t kiss behind the garden, Love is blind but the neighbors are not.
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31. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
32. Am gonna Make my status… better you too focus on your status only.
33. I am currently experiencing life at the rate of 15 WTF’s every hours
34. If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
35. If relationship between man and women were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.
36. With all this technology above and under, humanity still hunts down one another.
37. A man is as young as the woman he feels.
38. Looks like I over-estimated the number of your brain cells.
39. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
40. Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
41. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…
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Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
42. Friction is a drag.
43. Silence is Golden. Duct tape is Silver :3
44. Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.
45. They pretend to pay me. I pretend to work!
46. Even if you are a mass murderer, International rogue,and children Abductor,People Will Still bless you «continue to be who you are» in your birthday.
47. I saw a shampoo with the title: «Rich-looking» So I washed my purse ..
48. Most of the fruits I know now and did not know were existed — Is only because of the shampoo.
49. I have a Impudent neighbor Knocking on my door at 2AM He’s lucky I was in a drum lesson…
50. Yesterday I saw someone pushing a bottle of Schweppes into his ass, I said, «What are you doing ?!» He replied: «Schweppes: Drink Different..»
51. While I was driving my Audi, the alarm woke me up.
52. While you’re looking for a Remote… You don’t trust anybody.
53. The reason I’m fat coz a thin body could not handle my personality.
54. Love’s nothing for a tennis player.
55. The early bird might get the worm, but the 2nd mouse will surely get the cheese.
56. Brain is the best worker, when you can use it…
57. High power come, with high voltage current!
58. It only takes one person to make you a millionaire.
.
It’s You!
59. Whatsapp users never die but they just go offline.
60. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
61. If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.
62. If at first, you don’t succeed… Keep flushing.
63. After getting drunk, bachelor of technology turns philosophy master of bricks.
64. IF you you’re open minded; your brains will fall out.
65. Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
66. Congratulations!!My tallest finger want to give you a standing ovation.
67. Don’t be too optimistic. The light at the end of the tunnel may be another train.
68. WoW! now I’m a graduate… Now thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains.
69. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
70. I don’t make mistakes, I date them.
71. I know I’m not perfect, I’m vintage, which means my flaws make me priceless!
72. I’m fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
73. Dear chairs, I know you get more ass, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.
74. Edward isn’t a vampire. He lives in a forest. He doesn’t eat people & he sparkles. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A FAIRY.
75. First I played hard to get, now he is playing hard to forget.
76. When life gives you lemons, add vodka, and throw a party.
77. Going to school with 10 pens and coming home with only
one.
78. “You look pretty today.” … Was I ugly yesterday?
79. The only reason your girlfriend likes your dick is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.
80. I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
81. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it pays my internet… which is almost the same thing.
82. I hate it when some people call me insane or crazy. I prefer the phrase mentally hilarious.
83. You never know what you have until… you clean your room.
84. Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
85. I believe in love at first sight, I experience it EVERY time I got to the mall.
86. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.
87. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
88. If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
89. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
90. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
91. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else
92. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
93. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid…
94. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
95. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
96. Don’t let life get in the way of your dreams… go back to sleep!
97. Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
99. We all have that one friend who we greet with an insult.
100. My friend thought that an onion was the only food that could make you cry, so I threw a watermelon at his face.
Keep smiling friends 
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