What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.
What word starts with «E» and ends in «E» but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.
That’s odd.
2 word horror story
Prehensile dong
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.»
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit…
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Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
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Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.
He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher.
Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher.
…
What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?
Car
Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?
The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?
You are a total British person saying the word «can’t.»
Describe yourself in 3 words:
lazy
Three words that will most certainly ruin a man’s ego
«… are you in?»
What is the absolute best universal safe word?
«Meatloaf»
It immediately says «I would do anything for love…but I won’t do THAT!»
You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word «dairy»?
…I told him there’s no use crying over misspelled milk.
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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word «contagious» in a sentence.
Jenny puts her hand up and says «My mum says we should stay home when we’re sick incase we’re contagious.»
«That’s right» the teacher says, «Anyone else?»
Susie says «My grandma says a smile can be contagious.»
«Very good» says the teacher, «Anyone else?»
Little Johnny pu…
I like big words and I cannot
prevaricate.
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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.
Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.
Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words
I said «bad at counting»
Just heard my son speak his first words
where were you the last 14 years
What’s the Longest Word in English?
Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart
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Why did the US take the «u» out of words like «colour» and «honour»?
Because, fuck you, that’s why
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What’s that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?
Oh yeah, a werehouse
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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.
Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha…
I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word «Plethora»
It means a lot
76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral
A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”
As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.
Six.
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My friend claims there’s no word for excrement produced by male cattle.
I think that’s bullshit.
A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”
Policeman: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.
I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?
This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:
*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting «Boeing Boeing Boeing».
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, «I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.»
The distressed woman wailed, «Are you sure?»
«Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,» replied the vet.
«How can you be so sure?» she protested. I mean you haven’t done a…
There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.
After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff…
When I was a kid, my parents would always say «Excuse my French» after a swear word…
…I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
How old Mildred stopped gossiping.
Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people’s business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
Once, she accused a …
Fun fact: «sugar» is the only word in the English language where «su-» makes a «sh» sound. . .
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
I don’t like the word «steal».
I prefer «buy none get one free».
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I confused the words Yakuza and jacuzzi.
Now I’m in hot water with the japanese mafia.
My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.
I replied “vague”
He asked, “can you elaborate?”
I said, “yes.”
As a hispanic, my first tattoo was the word “Mucho”
It means a lot to me.
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny «have you ever heard of the word contagious before?»
«Of course miss» Johnny replies «my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday».
«Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?»
«Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over …
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Three words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.
Before he …
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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel
This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary …
What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap
On my mom’s death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her
I told her … put in a good word for me.
Husband: «Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…»
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): «It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!»
Husband: «What?»
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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.
An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’. «Fucking get in there you cunt!» he says to himself and goes to the bar.
<…
i invented a new word!
its called plagiarism
In Italian, the word pizza is feminine
That’s why ordering pizza is referred to as “eating out”
Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword
Then 20 more without the sheath
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Word
During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men …
My wife screamed, «you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!»
I was taken aback… what a weird way to start a conversation.
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s…
Heavenly Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, «We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!»
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt…
I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.
But then Clippy said, «It looks like you’re trying to be funny.»
If your friend wants to say the word «motel» backwards,
letom.
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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got «I love you» tattooed on my penis.
She just shook her head and said, «There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth.»
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Words
There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**…
But few people can tell what the difference between them is.
To clarify:
**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask…
Word of the Bible
Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.
— fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada
Just found out that «Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh» isn’t a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am.
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…
I think that’s poor for four.
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Life in a nursing home
An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.
On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without…
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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
«If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?»
Mike replies: «Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.»
The teacher says: «That would be very rude and improper on your part.»
…
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office login, I will find you.
You have my word.
Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, «I know the whole truth» even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo…
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This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, «Honey, I’ll be right back.»
«Where are you going, coochy cooh?» asked the wife.
«I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a b…
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
— “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
— “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
— “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
— “Oh, okay!”
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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder…
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your full name.’
Agatha: ‘Agatha Louise Hewson.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your age’
Agatha: ‘I am 94 years old.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.’
<…
What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?
Oops!
(Shameless karma farming on cake day)
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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead.»
He shakes his head and thinks «I must have read that wrong.»
He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It’s Miraculous!»
He decides he has to see this so he pull…
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I
also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..
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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words
He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”
Words cannot describe how beautiful you are..
But numbers can: 2/10
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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland
The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, «I ask you a question, and if you do…
What are the magic words you say to get what you want?
I’m offended
Nine Words
Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.
This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.
Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<…
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were
I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Medellín kids
Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…
It’s the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art….
Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very…
While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow…
He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.
He walks upto the driver’s window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.
The old lady who is driving asks the cop, «Why have you pulled me over, sir?»
…
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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.
The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close…
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
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«Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?»
«NO DAD. It was fuck.»
What is the German word for a bra?
stoppenfromfloppen
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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.
Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a …
Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, «Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.»….
Sara always replied, «I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.»
One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, «Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.»
S…
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other?
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other? When a «fork» just works the same?
Then I realized «spooning» is the much better word.
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It just dawned on me that the «Honk if You’re Horny» bumper stickers are a play on words regarding honking the car HORN
And not just about having a high sex drive
Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?
Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.
«That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read.» She scolded. «Have you anything to say for yourself?»
«Just two words, miss,» I replied. «Go fuck yourself.»
I’m shit at maths, too.
Speaking words of wisdom
Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
If you can’t think of a word, say «I forgot the English word for it.»
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A woman was attending her husband’s funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.
The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, «Plethora.» He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, «Thanks. That means a lot.»
Step 1 — fool people into believing you’ve been chosen by God to spread his word
Step 2 — prophet
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Fishing or Sex?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
The first guy says:
«You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.»
The second g…
What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?
Aunt
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
Proper English
An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He’s about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.
«Dinnae drink oot the river, it’s foo o’ sheep pish!»
The Englishman look…
my son says he’s a small group of words that stand together to convey a concept
Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, «I’m going t…
A Nasty Divorce
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste…
Some word can have multiple meanings
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, «Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!» A pastor hears this and asks, «Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'» The boy responds, «Because I caught these fish at the local dam.» The pastor buys a couple fish, takes …
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Since we’re doing little Johnny jokes….
Little Johnny’s teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, «Who would like to share their story?»
Little Johnny’s hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. «Susie, why don’t you go first?»
Susie …
It’s important to develop a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
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Onestone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, «If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!»
The word got arou…
People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now…
I see why
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.
Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)
The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it’s started out as a great gig except for one glaring …
Spelling bee judge: «Your word is ‘seaward’.»
Contestant: «C-U-N…»
Judge: «DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.»
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The word «Boobs» is a three dimensional diagram
The «B» shows how they look from above, the «oo» how they look from the front and the «b» how they look from the side.
Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word «either»
One student insists it’s pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it’s pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. «Teacher, what’s the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?» The teacher blinks and says, «oy-ther will do.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Does anybody know what D word is?
It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher of little Johnny’s class asks the pupils if they can use the word ‘beautiful’ in a sentence…
A little boy sticks his hand up.
«Yes, Daniel»
«I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful», says Daniel.
«Very good, Daniel», smiles the teacher, «Anybody else?».
Veronica’s hand goes up. «I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr…
Bad bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words,…
A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years
[LONG]
After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’
The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.
After 20 years the head mo…
Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man…
Now they’ll have to pay him 20% more…
A blacksmith said to his new helper, «You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer.»
Those were his last words.
Free
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
«But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer.
«Okay,» says the bartender, «If you say you paid, you did.»
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word «definitely» in a sentence
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher says, «Johnny, that’s not a response to the question I asked.»
Johnny repeats, «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher gives in and says, «No — fart…
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
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Crocodile.
A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, …
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Jokes that are funny but clean. For those people, like me, that enjoy funny things but don’t like the bad words in them.
·
Similar ideas popular now
I’m a dude and I have 6 other brothers. Our mom just found out she’s expecting a baby girl.Good luck, her future boyfriend.
Best scene of that movie! 😂😂
Remember, it’s HOW you say it that really matters. LOL
Funny Pictures Of The Day — 37 Pics
After I got done reading this I did that and then I was like oh I really do that
The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake
Fresh And So Funny
Who said comedy had to be dirty?
Updated: March 29, 2023
Originally Published: Dec. 3, 2018
BDG; Getty
Good clean jokes — jokes that are genuinely funny but perfectly appropriate — are hard to come by. R-rated humor is easy, but making people laugh without invoking adult-only language is a real, rare talent that can elicit the funniest material. Working that much harder for the reward makes the giggles you get that much more gratifying, anyway. And a wholesome joke provides a chance for people of all ages to laugh hard together.
Study up and bust out these uproarious clean jokes whenever you need to see your kid smile. Just don’t wait too long because they might not think your clean jokes are cool forever.
Clean Food Jokes
- Q. Why did the tomato blush? / A. Because it saw the salad dressing.
- Q. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? / A. It had great food, but no atmosphere.
- Q. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours? / A. Nacho cheese!
- Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? / A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
- Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? / A. A carrot.
- Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? / A. Patty!
- Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing? / A. The meatball.
- Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? / A. Because he always has a great fall.
- Q. Why did bread break up with margarine? / A. Because he found a butter lover.
- Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues? / A. He just flipped.
- Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret? / A. Because they tend to spill the beans.
- Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums? / A. Because it’s cultured.
- Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments? / A. A jam session.
- Q. Why do comedians love eggs? / A. They’re easy to crack up.
- Q. How do you fix a broken gourd? / A. With a pumpkin patch.
- Q. Why are jalapeños such good marksmen? / A. Because they haben-arrow.
- Q.Why can you never gossip in a cornfield? / A. Too many ears.
Clean Animal Jokes
- Q. What is a flea’s favorite way to travel? / A. Itch hiking.
- Q. Which bird has the worst manners? / A. Mocking birds.
- Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? / A. Spoiled milk.
- Q. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. ? / I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
- Q. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? / A. Ten tickles.
- Q. Two goldfish are in a tank.One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing? / A. !”
- Q. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? / A. The don’t meet the koalafications.
- Q. Why are fish so smart? / A. Because they live in schools!
- Q. What do you call a bear with no ears? / A. A “B”!
- Q. Why are teddy bears never hungry? / A. Because they’re always stuffed.
- Q. What language do pigs speak? / A. Pig Latin.
- Q. What mouse walks on two feet? / A. Mickey Mouse.
- Q. What duck walks on two feet? / A. All ducks.
- Q. Where do cows go on Friday nights? / A. They go to the moo-vies!
- Q. Why don’t ants ever get sick? / A. Because they have little anty bodies.
- Q. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? / A. It gets toad away.
- Q. Where do polar bears keep their money? / A. A snowbank.
- Q. What did the fisherman say to the magician? / A. “Pick a cod, any cod.”
- Q. What do you call a pile of kittens? / A. A meowntain.
- Q. What did the beaver say to the tree? / A. “It’s been nice gnawing you.”
- Q. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? / A. Prime mates.
Science Jokes
- Q. What do dentists call X-rays? / A. Tooth pics.
- Q. What time do you go to the dentist? / A. At tooth-hurty.
- Q. What did the left eye say to the right eye? / A. “Between you and me, something smells.”
- Q. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.They’re usually 90 degrees.
- Q. Why is no one friends with Dracula? / A. Because he’s a pain in the neck.
- Q. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? / A. Because he had a vowel movement.
- Q. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.
- Q. Is this pool safe for diving? / A. It deep ends.
- Q. What did the nose say to the finger? / A. “Quit picking on me!”
- Q. Anyone know any jokes about sodium? / A. Na.
- Q. Why can you never trust an atom’s story? / A. Because it makes up everything.
- Q. Where does bad light end up? / A. In prism.
- Q. How much does a neutron pay for electricity? / A. No charge.
- Q. Why are electrons never invited to parties? / A. They’re so negative.
- Q. Where do sick fish go? / A. To the dock.
Clean Dad Jokes
- Q. What did one wall say to the other wall? / A. “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
- Q. When does a joke become a dad joke? / A. When the punchline is apparent.
- Q. What did the paper say to the pencil? / A. “Write on!”
- Q. How did the bullet lose its job? / A. It got fired.
- Q. Why should you never trust stairs? / A. They are always up to something.
- Q. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.That’s just how I roll.
- Q. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window? / A. Because he wanted to see time fly.
- Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower? / A. “Hi, bud!”
- Q. How does NASA organize a party? / A. They planet.
- Q. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? / A. Attire.
- Q. Why were they called the Dark Ages? / A. Because there were lots of knights.
- Q. What did one toilet say to the other? / A. “You look flushed.”
- Q. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. ? / I told them, “Just you wait!”
- Q. What gets wetter the more it dries? / A. A towel.
- Q. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. ? / That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
- Q. Why did the picture go to prison? / A. Because it was framed!
- Q. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? / A. I don’t k now, but the flag is a big plus.
- Q. Want to hear a roof joke? / A. The first one’s on the house.
- Q. Want to hear another roof joke? / A. It’s probably over your head.
- Q. What building in New York has the most stories? / A. The public library!
- Q. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon? / A. Because she will let it go.
- Q. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? / A. Just follow the fresh prints.
- Q. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments? / A. Mount Rushmore.
- Q. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? / A. Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
- Q. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? / A. R2 detour.
- Q. Why did the man fall into the cistern? / A. He couldn’t see that well.
- Q. Can February march? / A. No, but April may.
- Q. Why was six afraid of seven? / A. Because seven eight nine.
- Q. What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends? / A. Pointless.
- Q. What’s brown and sticky? / A. A stick.
- I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.
- Q. What is red and smells like blue paint? / A. Red paint.
- Q. How did the hipster burn his mouth? / A. He ate the pizza before it was cool.
- Q. Where does the General keep his armies? / A. In his sleeves!
- Q. What’s a foot long and slippery? / A. A slipper.
- Q. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? / A. They’re both red except for the green one.
This article was originally published on Dec. 3, 2018
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Bad Word Jokes with Friends.
When I was a kid my mom used to say » Perdon my French» when she said any bad word.
I’ll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
Joke my kid made up when he was like 4…. What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?
A cussomer.
I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there
His exact words were… «I can’t complain»
Must not be all that bad there.
I know the word diputserom sounds bad,
but its more s**… backwards
What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap
‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.
‘Bad with numbers’
Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words
I said «bad at counting»
If I had to describe myself in one word…
…it would be «bad at following directions.»
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
«Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from
‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily
coffee.»
The Pope responds, «That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed.»
«Well,» said the Nescafe man, «we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.»
«My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed.»
The Nescafe guy says, «Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer…. We will
donate $500 million — that’s half a billion dollars — to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give
us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’
Please consider it.»
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
«There is some good news,» he announces, «and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'»
«And the bad news, your Holiness?» asks a Cardinal.
«We’re losing the Wonder-Bread account.»
Old soviet joke
The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him ‘I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads ‘blame all your problems on me’. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads ‘sit down and write two letters’.
A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.
He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken
The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.
100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.
Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.
One billion dollars. This is our final offer.
After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.
I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we’ve lost the Wonder Bread account.
You can explore bad word good reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bad word adjective dad jokes. There are also bad word puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A large group of Russian soldiers…
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: «One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian». The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: «One Finn is better than one hundred Russians.»
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: «One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!»
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought…. Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
«Don’t send any more men……it’s a trap. There are two of them.»
No Words…
6-Year-Old Child Looking At Moms ID Card.
s**…: F
He Laughs.
Mom: What’s So Funny?
Kid: I Can’t Beleive You Were So Bad In s**… That You Failed It.
Husband Dies Laughing.
Vow of Silence
Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, «Cold floors…»
The next seven years go by and he whispers, «Bad food…»
Seven more years go by and he croaks, «I quit!»
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, «I’m not surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain since you joined.»
Inflation is so bad right now ..
That a picture is now worth 2000 words.
I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend
and he’s a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with ‘th’ at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.
The whiny monk
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He can only say two words every five years.
After five years, Father Donald says to him, «Brother John, what do you have to say?»
He replies, «Bed hard.»
Five more years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
He replies, «Food bad.»
Another five years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
This time he replies, «I quit» at which point, Father Donald says, «Good! You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!»
I was asked to describe myself in 3 words
My reply: Bad at following directions
A nun joins a monastery…
She vows to say only two words every year.
After the first year she approaches the mother and says «bed hard». The mother nods and sends her away.
After the second year she approaches the mother and says «food bad». The mother nods and sends her away.
After the third year she approaches the mother and says «I quit».
The mother replies «Good! Because all you’ve done is b**… since you got here»
‘Vegetarian’ is an old Indian word …
… for ‘bad hunter’.
My neighbours are very loud when they have s**….
And that’s bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.
What font is the best for writing bad words?
Any cursive font.
The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words «The president s**…» on the lawn.
Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.
Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. «Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The u**… was the Vice Presidents».
The President responds, «What? What could be worse than this?»
The head of the FBI says,»The handwriting was the First Lady’s».
Historical wife
Two men are at the pub and it’s 2 AM. One of them says it’d be in his best interest if he would leave now. «When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical.»
The other man replies: «That’s not a bad idea actually. I can tell you’ve had enough beer. You’re looking for the word ‘hysterical’.»
«No,» replies the man, «I really meant historical. She will remind me of every little thing I ever did wrong in the past.»
My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)
Knock knock|who’s there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who’s there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who’s there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability to focus making me quiet but don’t actually say it)
Please forget my bad English
I keep forgiving correct words
Wife: I said any fantasy. I wore the police uniform, isn’t that enough?!
Me: No, no. Now say the words.
Wife: Fine!!
Me: …..
Wife: Sir, I have bad news about your wife
What does a computer use to say bad words?
Did you know there are many different words for lungs?
I just can’t remember them because I have bad lung term memory
Bad boss
My friend Monica confided in me today:
My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.
If he does not take back his words,
seriously, I will pack my s**… and I will get the h**… out from there.
So I asked: What did he tell you?
She answer:
He told me that I have to pack my s**… and get the h**… out from there.
You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can’t understand a word he’s saying..
C’mon guys, take it easy on him.. He’ll get it soon enough, he’s still just a Wookie..
An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on s**… assault?
DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.
Yes it’s bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.
Vegetarian is an ancient Native Indian word meaning
«bad hunter».
Native Americans had a word for «Bad Hunter»
Vegetarian.
One day a dad gets a call and is told his son has been using dirty language.
When he gets home that night, he sits down with his son.
«Son,» he says, «You know this isn’t acceptable behavior. Now I want you to tell me all the dirty words you know.»
His son says «Well Dad, I know the S word, I know the B word, and I know the M word.»
His dad asks «What’s the S word?»
His son says «s**….»
The father is taken aback but pushes on. He asks «OK, what’s the B word?»
His son says «Bad.»
His father is starting to feel relieved and a faint smile is playing at his lips. With a kind, fatherly smile he asks «And what’s the M word?»
His son says «MotherwhoringSpicnigger.»
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We love clever jokes here at LaffGaff and they don’t come any more ingenious than these clever wordplay jokes. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them too; after all, a good sense of humor is a sign you’re in good shape psychologically!
30 Best Play On Word Jokes
Here is a great collection of really clever wordplay jokes. Enjoy!
Armageddon
I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.
I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”
Norwegian Navy
The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.
So they can scan da navy in.
Big Red Mark
My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.
I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
Brake Fluid
I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
English Language
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
Cheap Skate
This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.
I thought “What a cheap skate.”
Lost Luggage
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Money In The Bank
I’m addicted to having money in the bank.
I really do suffer from withdrawals.
Restaurant Manager
I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.
Assistant Manager
I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.
It’s shift work.
Chest Hair
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Alphabet Soup
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…
Times new ramen!
Something Cuban
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Blank Screen
My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.
After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on.”
6 Cans Of Sprite
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
Angry Girlfriend
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Solar Eclipse
I tried using a colander to view the solar eclipse yesterday.
I think I’ve strained my eyes.
Full Dictaphone
I have a nagging, paranoid feeling that my dictaphone is close to full capacity.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
Learning Braille
I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.
I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.
History Of Palindromes
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Tree Planting
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.
To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
Hypnotist
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.
Time Machine
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
At The Bus Stop
A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.
He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”
Crashing App
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly so I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.
It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”
The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”
4D Printer
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?
Just give it time.
Star Wars Sweets
I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.
They’re all chewy.
Half Indian
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.
Ian.
Store Robbery
I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.
I guess that makes me an iWitness.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed this collection of clever wordplay jokes, be sure to check out the rest of the LaffGaff website for lots more funny jokes, including these: