Funniest one word jokes

We love clever jokes here at LaffGaff and they don’t come any more ingenious than these clever wordplay jokes. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them too; after all, a good sense of humor is a sign you’re in good shape psychologically!

30 Best Play On Word Jokes

Here is a great collection of really clever wordplay jokes. Enjoy!

Armageddon

I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.

I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

Norwegian Navy

The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.

So they can scan da navy in.

Big Red Mark

My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.

I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

Brake Fluid

I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

English Language

The English language is pretty strange and confusing.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

Cheap Skate

This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.

I thought “What a cheap skate.”

Lost Luggage

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Money In The Bank

I’m addicted to having money in the bank.

I really do suffer from withdrawals.

Restaurant Manager

I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.

Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.

Assistant Manager

I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.

It’s shift work.

Chest Hair

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

Alphabet Soup

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…

Times new ramen!

Something Cuban

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Blank Screen

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.

After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on.”

6 Cans Of Sprite

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.

I ended up picking 7 Up.

Angry Girlfriend

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.

Solar Eclipse

I tried using a colander to view the solar eclipse yesterday.

I think I’ve strained my eyes.

Full Dictaphone

I have a nagging, paranoid feeling that my dictaphone is close to full capacity.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.

Learning Braille

I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.

I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.

History Of Palindromes

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr Awkward.

Tree Planting

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

Hypnotist

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.

Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

At The Bus Stop

A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.

He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”

Crashing App

WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly so I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.

It’s a WhatsApp Doc.

David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”

The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”

4D Printer

How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.

Star Wars Sweets

I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

They’re all chewy.

Half Indian

I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

Store Robbery

I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed this collection of clever wordplay jokes, be sure to check out the rest of the LaffGaff website for lots more funny jokes, including these:

I Was Going To Write A Theater Piece On Puns….

…but then I realized it would just be a play on words.

There’s a new show on Broadway called «Puns»

It’s a play on words

Macbeth.docx

That’s a play on word

Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical?

If not, you really should. It’s a great play on words.

I wrote a theatrical performance on puns

Really, it was just a play on words.

I did a theatrical performance on puns…

It was really just a play on words.

There’s a new show on Broadway based on the dictionary

It’s a play on words

I’m writing a musical about puns.

It’s a play on words.

My school did a performance last year called «The Dictionary»

Turns out it was just a play on words.

Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?

It’s a play on words.

Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I’m going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster’s English Dictionary

It’s going to be a play on words

Romeo and Juliet.doc

Is a play on word

A pun, a play on words, and a double entendre walk into a bar…

No joke.

In high school I was in a theatrical production about puns.

It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

Have you seen the new Broadway production about the dictionary?

It’s a great play on words.

I did a theatrical performance on puns…

It was a play on words.

I’ll let myself out.

I went to see a theatrical piece about puns last night

it was a play on words

Did you hear about the new show, Scrabble on Broadway?

It’s a play on words.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

**No joke.**

I went to see a theatrical performance on the history of language

Turns out it was just a play on words.

Did you hear about Dictionary: The Musical?

It’s a play on words…

I started writing a musical about puns

It’s going to be a play on words.

I just attended a theatre show about puns

It was a play on words.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

The joke wasn’t there because it was busy parking the car

I wrote a theatrical production called «Puns»

It’s a play on words.

So a pun, a play on words, and an anecdote walk into a bar.

No joke.

Play on Words

I really want to come up with a play on words but I don’t know how it will do in front of an audience.

I did a theatrical performance on puns today.

It was a play on words.

What do you call a theatrical performance about the dictionary?

A play on words.

Did you hear about the musical about a dictionary?

It’s a play on words.

In my 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled «The Pun»

It was a play on words.

Last night I did a theatrical performance about puns

Really it was just a clever play on words

A pun ,A play on words and a limirick walk into a bar

No Joke

That reminds me of a theatre production based on the dictionary…

It’s a play on words.

^^^^Original joke from Some Jerk with a Camera.

My 10 y.o: Dad, I’ve got a pun for you.

Me: Ooh, what is it?

My 10 y.o: It’s a play on words, but that’s not important right now.

Me: 😁 (beaming with pride)

Hey, do you guys know the name of that theatrical performance of the Dictionary?

All I know is that it was a play on words…

Do you want to go see the new show «Sentences»?

It’s just a play on words

Once I performed a stage show that was nothing but puns.

The critics panned it as merely being a «play on words».

Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time.

Whether it’s the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor.

Here are 105 guaranteed to get a quick laugh:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.

“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’” – Tim Vine

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” – Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’” – Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones

“Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones

I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” – Milton Jones

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” – Tim Vine

“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” – Milton Jones

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.” – Tim Vine

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’” – Tim Vine

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.

Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.

The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket.

I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. She couldn’t control her pupils.

More jokes:

31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding
28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe)
41 of Bill Bailey’s most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners
25 hilarious dad jokes you’ve probably never heard before
40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit
25 of Spike Milligan’s greatest gags
100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners
25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes
49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes
45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes
17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes
27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes
50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners
50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes
25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults
25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips
30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

…and some quotes:

64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life
100 of Homer Simpson’s greatest quotes
50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Norton’s most scathing Eurovision quotes
27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country
50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners
20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley
39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes
25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes
25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes
25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes
50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes
Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier
25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes
50 of the best lines from Peep Show
20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes
20 of Malcolm Tucker’s most cutting insults
25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling
The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team
50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes

Updated: Jan. 12, 2022

Originally Published: Oct. 7, 2019

Hero Images/Getty Images

In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they’re easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. Unfortunately, they’re often lumped in the same category as bad jokes. Who doesn’t love some good bad jokes — we do! But one-liners don’t have to bring the cringe, some of them are smart, insightful, and stick with you for ages. Moms and dads alike are sure to love these one-liners, smart jokes, and punny jokes. Although knock-knock jokes are classics, sometimes it’s best to skip the setup and get right to the gag. It catches listeners off guard and is a great way to get a quick laugh.

Some of the best jokes aren’t long or complicated at all. Sometimes the funniest jokes are as simple as a phrase. Sure, knock-knock jokes are classic, but if your little one or friends are impatient types, one-liners may be more their speed. This list is bound to make you laugh… or at the very least smile! Read on and add these one-liner jokes to your collection so you can rattle them off at your next funny family get-together.

Looking for more funnies to add to your joke list? We have dad jokes, cow jokes, and much more!

1. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
2. Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
3. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
4. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side, there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.
5. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
6. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
7. Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
8. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
9. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
10. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
11. Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?
12. There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
13. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
14. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
15. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

1. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
2. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
3. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
4. R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
5. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
6. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
7. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
8. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
11. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
12. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
13. I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
15. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
16. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
17. Smoking will kill you… bacon will kill you… and yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
18. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
19. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
20. The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.
21. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
22. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
23. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
24. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
25. I refused to believe the road worker was stealing from his job, but when I went to his home, all the signs were there.
26. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
27. PMS jokes are not funny — period!
28. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
29. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
30. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
31. Women should not have children after 35, but 35 kids are enough!
32. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
33. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
34. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
35. My math teacher called me average. She’s so mean!
36. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” — Demetri Martin
37. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
38. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
39. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.
40. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” — Jack Handey
41. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
42. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin
43. When dogs go to sleep, they read bite-time stories before bed.
44. “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
45. “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” — Stewart Francis
46. Dogs hate driving because they can never find a barking space.
47. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
48. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin
49. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield
50. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
51. It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
52. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
53. The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
54. The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
55. For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his shows. I guess you could say he was going through a stage.
56. I hope there’s no pop quiz on the class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
57. If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
58. I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
59. Give me the calculator. Friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
60. A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
61. I doubt, therefore, I might be.
62. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
63. I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
64. When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.

1. Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
2. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
3. “Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
4. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” — Will Marsh
5. “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
6. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith
7. “Two fish in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’” — Peter Kay
8. “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
9. “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
10. “Do Transformers get car or life insurance?” — Russell Howard
11. “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson
12. I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?”
13. I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
14. “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
15. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
16. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
17. My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
18. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
19. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
20. Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.
21. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
22. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
23. People tell me I’m condescending. (Leans in real close) That means I talk down to people.
24. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
25. “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
26. “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers
27. “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne
28. “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis
29. “Oh, when I was a kid in show business, I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” — Rodney Dangerfield
30. “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.” — Rodney Dangerfield
31. “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
32. “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
33. “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield
34. I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.
35. A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
36. A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
37. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
38. Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.
39. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
40. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
41. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
42. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
43. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
44. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin
45. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
46. “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” — Unknown
47. What vitamin helps you to see? Vitamin C.
48. Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.
49. Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.
50. I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
51. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
52. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger…

Then it hit me.

1. Whiteboards are remarkable.
2. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
3. I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
4. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
5. Life is like a diploma. As in my parents keep telling me to get one.
6. Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
7. What goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backward.
8. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
9. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
10. Have you played the updated kids’ game? I spy with my little eye…phone.
11. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
12. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
13. Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
14. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” — Alun Cochrane
15. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” — Stewart Francis
16. I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.
17. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
18. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
19. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

This article was originally published on Oct. 7, 2019

Here’s a collection of short and straightforward jokes that will make you laugh. What we have here have substantiated that jokes can be short and still be funny. However, these collection of jokes are not just funny but are the funniest set of jokes you can ever come across. The one-liner jokes will surely crack you up – you are bound to laugh as hard as you have never done before.

Funny One-Liner Jokes

1. As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools.

2. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

3. A day without sunshine is like, night.

4. Born free, taxed to death.

5. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

6. You cannot eat me unless you spread me – Butter

7. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

8. A day without smiling is a day wasted.

9. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

10. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

13. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

16. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

17. You cannot taste me until you undress me. – Banana

18. You cannot eat me unless you lick me. – Ice-cream

19. You cannot play with me unless you blow me. – Balloon

20. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

21. What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

22. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

23. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends.

24. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

25. My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company.

26. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

27. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

28. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

29. We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

30. I can handle pain until it hurts.

31. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

32. What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

33. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

34. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

35. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

36. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

One-Liner Jokes

37. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

38. If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

39. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

40. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

41. Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

42. A gift card is a great way to say, “Go buy your own f*ckin’ present”.

43. I’m naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

44. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?

45. It’s so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

46. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

47. I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

48. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

49. Welcome to America – Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.

50. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

51. Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, “I’m what happened in Vegas”

52. Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

53. Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

54. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

55. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

56. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

57. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

58. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

59. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

60. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

61. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

62. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Clean One-Liner Jokes

63. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

64. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

65. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?

66. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

67. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

68. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

69. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

70. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

71. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

72. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

73. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

74. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! It happened.

75. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

76. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

77. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

78. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

79. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

80. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

81. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

82. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

83. Never answer an anonymous letter.

84. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

85. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

86. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

87. Life is too complicated in the morning.

88. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten dies.

89. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

Best One-Liner Jokes

90. Ask me about my vow of silence.

91. Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?

92. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

93. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

94. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

95. I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I…

96. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

97. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

98. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

99. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

100. I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.

101. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

112. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

113. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

114. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

115. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

116. If at first, you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

117. It’s lonely at the top, but you do eat better.

118. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

119. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

120. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.

121. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

122. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

123. They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.

124. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

125. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.

126. The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.

127. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

128. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

129. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

130. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

One-Liner Dirty Jokes

131. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

132. Q: Why does Dr Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

133. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

134. Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

135. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they’re plugged into a genius!

136. Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A: Piccassole

137. Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.

138. Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber

139.Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

140. Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn’t close his casket.

141. Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball?
A: They don’t know where home is.

142. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

143. Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

144. Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

145. Q: How does a woman scare a gynaecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

146. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill!

147. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip off Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

148. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

149. Q: Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.

150. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Black Jokes-One Liners

151. How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag? Her brothers dick tasted funny.

152. How did they improve the transportation in Harlem? Moved the trees closer together.

153. How did they invent break dancing? Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

154. What do you call a black guys condom? A duffel bag.

155. What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager.

156. What do you call a black man in Thailand? A tycoon.

157. How can you tell when a black has been on your computer? It is not there.

158. Did you hear about the new black French restaurant? It’s called Chez What.

159. What did Lincoln say after his five-day drunk? I freed whom.

160. A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

161. Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steamroller.

162. Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots? They’re going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

163. Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows.

164. Why did God invent golf? So white people could dress up like blacks.

165. Why do black people wear hats covering their face? So the birds don’t shit on their lips.

166. What do you call a barn full of blacks? Farm equipment.

167. What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad, get off me you’re crushing my ciggies.

168. What did the black women get for getting an abortion? Fat cash from crime stoppers.

169. What did the white redneck say to his wife when she told him their black neighbours were coming over for Christmas? So much for a white Christmas this year!

170. How many black people does it take to single a roof? Depends on how thin you slice um.

Blonde Jokes-One Liners

171. Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can get them!

172. Q: What does a blonde say after she knocks over an antique vase that is priceless and it cracks on the ground?
A: “It’s Okay daddy, I’m alright”

173. Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

174. Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?

175. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I don’t know, and neither does she.

176. Q: Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.

177. Q: Why is it a blonde cannot have more than a 10 minutes lunch break?
A: Because otherwise, you have to retrain her.

178. Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car?
A: Air Bags.

179. Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!

180. Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.

181. Q: Why shouldn’t Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

182. Q: What’s a blonde and a postage stamp got in common?
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em

183. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.

184. Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.

185. Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

186. Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy…Doughnut seeds.

187. Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

188. Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

189. Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.

190. Q: What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Two blondes that tried to burn it down!

191. Q: What’s blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

192. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

193. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

194. Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

195. Q: What’s an intelligent blonde?
A: A Golden Retreiver.

196. Q: How do blonde’s brain cells die?
A: Alone.

197. Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!

198. Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

199. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

200. Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up!

201. Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A: In case she locks her keys in.

202. Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

203. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

204. Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.

205. Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

206. Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelt MACY’S wrong!”

207. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Poop Jokes-One Liners

208. Why did God make poo smelly? So deaf people could enjoy them too.

209. Did you hear that diarrhoea is hereditary? It runs in the genes.

210. Have you heard about that new movie Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.

211. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.

212. Why does Tigger smell? You’d smell too if you played with Winnie the Pooh all day.

213. What did the maxi pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.

214. What do you get when you cross a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu? Bullshit!

215. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

216. What did the tired bum hole say after a crap? I’m pooped out

Jewish Jokes-One Liners

217. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

218. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

219. Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

220. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

221. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

222. What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”

223. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

224. Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

225. A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

226. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

227. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

228. A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

229. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

230. What do you call a Jewish knight? Sir Cumsiced.

While a lucky few are born with the natural talent of being funny, some of us have to work a bit harder to get people smiling. That’s probably why you’re here in the first place. Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t funny, it just means you need some sort of stencil or guide to point you in the right direction. Below, you will find short funny jokes that are easy to memorize.

This may put you at a disadvantage because whenever you remember one, i hope for your sake you aren’t drinking water. If you think your device can survive, try holding a mouth full of water and it’s going to come splashing out very soon. Yes, that’s how funny it gets.

With that in mind, here are some short funny jokes you could play with.

Laugh more: Funny Jokes for Kids that will bring so much laughter.

Short Jokes you can easily memorise

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

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What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse!

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What is Forrest Gump’s password?
1Forrest1.

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Why did the M&M go to school?
He wanted to be a Smartie.

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What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking at me, I’m changing!

---

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

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What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!

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Why do French people eat snails?
They don’t like fast food!

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What’s red and moves up and down?
A tomato in an elevator!

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I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.

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What is sticky and brown?
A stick!

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How does a rabbi make coffee?
Hebrews it!

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Rest in peace boiling water.
You will be mist!

---

How do you throw a space party?
You planet!

Laugh more: Funny Planet Jokes

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Want to hear a construction joke?
Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.

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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

---

I hate Russian dolls…
they’re so full of themselves!

---

Talk is cheap?
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

---

Why did the gym close down?
It just didn’t work out!

Laugh more here: Funny Gym Jokes

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Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!

---

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

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I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.

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You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.

Laugh more here: Funniest Milk Jokes

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick!

---

You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.

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Simple jokes you could write down and reuse

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What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!

---

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

---

Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

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Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.

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It’s cleaning day so naturally, I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

Laugh more with our Hilarious Cleaning Jokes

---

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison!

Laugh more here: Humorous College Jokes and Puns

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Here, I bought you a calendar.
Your days are numbered now.

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Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.

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What did one plate say to his friend?
Tonight, dinner’s on me!

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Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

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I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

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Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!

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I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

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I have many jokes about rich kids—sadly none of them work.

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What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell!

Laugh more: SEO puns and jokes

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Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.

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Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

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How do trees get online?
They just log on!

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Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it’s the whole sentence.

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My girlfriend treats me like a god.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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Funny Short Jokes you can share with children

Laugh more: FUNNY Jokes for Kids About Summer

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I  saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah.
I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.

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Why did the orange stop?
It ran out of juice!

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I never make mistakes…
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

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What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!

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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

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Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa baa shop!

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.

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This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’
I said: ‘Is that a fret?

Laugh more here: Funny Guitar Jokes

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I have kleptomania.
But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.

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I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because…
I like that one-to-one time.

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My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape.
I choose round.

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My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does.
She sells seashells on the seashore.

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I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny.
I live by the seaside.

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Toughest job I ever had?
Selling doors, door-to-door.

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I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

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Looking at my face is like reading in the car.
It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.

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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.

Laugh more here: Funny Chess Jokes

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Crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels.

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Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!

Laugh more with our FUNNY Holiday Jokes for a jolly mood 

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Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

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Summary of Best SHORT Jokes of all Time

A joke does not have to be long, to be funny. I also collected the absolute best funny jokes of all time.

Besides this, I highly recommend to check out my 30 favorite dad jokes.

We collected as well:

• Funny quotes
• Jokes for Teens (that are funny!)
• Funny Questions (and answers)
• Funny Teenage Jokes One-Liners.
• Funny Questions
• Travel Questions
• Funny and Dirty Jokes
• Best Funny Quotes by Famous People
• Hilarious Funny Quotes
• Dog Jokes
• Marriage Jokes
• Pirate Jokes

Last Updated on March 6, 2023

One could easily feel overwhelmed by the dynamic and technology-driven planet we find ourselves in. Take away the fact that there is immense multi-faceted advancement daily, and that feeling remains. Why? It’s simple. Connection!

As we strive to learn, work, and become the best versions of ourselves, we easily forget the importance of connecting with others. This phenomenon poses the question; how exactly do we connect with others in such a fast-paced world? One word: Comedy! In the words of famous pianist and conductor Victor Borge, “Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”

If you have ever watched the way people’s faces light up upon hearing a joke, then you’d know that Victor Borge was right. It’s simple psychology. When you share jokes with people and lift their spirits, it leaves an imprint on them. Afterward, they tend to associate that feeling of warmth with their interaction with you. This, in turn, fosters bonds and connections between diverse individuals.

Arguably, one of the best parts about a joke is the punchline. It’s like this surprise gift you get when returning from school. One could even say that the punchline is the beating heart of any joke. It comes as a surprise, and it ties the entire joke together.

As such, we’ve curated some of the most rib-cracking one-liner jokes for your entertainment. Whether you’re looking to make connections with diverse individuals, or you want to try these jokes on your friends, we’ve got you covered. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride!

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1. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?” He said, “I tell her about my job.”
2. Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
3. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
4. How does a computer get drunk? It takes “screen shots.”
5. Dogs can’t see your bones. But CAT scan.
6. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
7. My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
8. Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
9. Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.
10. What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
11. My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
12. If you commit first-degree murder in Canada, is it a 34-degree murder in the US?
13. What do you call a noodle that doesn’t drink? Soba.
14. A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
15. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I wouldn’t be able to make it.
16. You do realize that vampires aren’t real. Unless you Count Dracula.
17. What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
18. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
19. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
20. If prisoners could take their mugshots, they’d be called cellfies.
21. Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
22. I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but it didn’t work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
23. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
24. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
25. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
26. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
27. I wasn’t that hungry, so I just ate a kid’s meal at Mcdonald’s. His mother was furious.
28. What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.
29. What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly? Stationary.
30. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
31. What does a CIA agent do when it’s time for bed? He goes undercover.
32. I can always tell when my wife is lying by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
33. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, “It’s a moving violation.”
34. Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head because it’s cap-sized.
35. My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me. It’s a matter of wife or death.
36. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
37. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
38. Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? I think it’s total non-scents.
39. Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch; Yeti never complains.
40. The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.
41. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
42. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
43. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
45. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
46. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their questions? I do.
47. I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
48. Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
49. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
50. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

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In the fullness of time, you cannot deny that a good sense of humor can be the foundation of a lasting friendship. Comedy is a binding force that brings people together and strengthens bonds between existing friendships. If two people find the same things funny, they’d likely share many common interests as well.

Ultimately, the joy obtained from landing that punchline in your joke is irreplaceable. Not only do you surprise your listeners, but you do it in the most delightful and comedic way imaginable. That, in its entirety, is unequivocally thrilling.

Igor is a SEO specialist, designer, and freelance writer. He believes that knowledge can change the world and be used to inspire and empower young people to build the life of their dreams.
When he is not writing in his favorite coffee shop, Igor spends most of his time reading, traveling, producing house music, and capturing light with his camera. He is a sucker for good coffee, Indian food, and video games.