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This article is about the Monty Python sketch. For research into international humour, see World’s funniest joke.
«The Funniest Joke in the World» (also «Joke Warfare» and «Killer Joke«) is a Monty Python comedy sketch revolving around a joke that is so funny that anyone who reads or hears it promptly dies from laughter. Ernest Scribbler (Michael Palin), a British «manufacturer of jokes», writes the joke on a piece of paper only to die laughing. His mother (Eric Idle) also immediately dies laughing after reading it, as do the first constables on the scene. Eventually the joke is contained, weaponized, and deployed against Germany during World War II.
The sketch appeared in the first episode of the television show Monty Python’s Flying Circus («Whither Canada»), first shown on 5 October 1969.[1] It later appeared in altered forms in several later Python works. The German translation of the joke in the sketch is made of various meaningless, German-sounding nonce words, and so it does not have an English translation.
Synopsis[edit]
The sketch is framed in a documentary style and opens with Ernest Scribbler (Michael Palin), a British «writer of jokes», creating and writing the funniest joke in the world on a piece of paper, only to die laughing. His mother (Eric Idle) finds the joke, thinks it is a suicide note, reads it and also immediately dies laughing. Aware of the deadly nature of the joke, a brave Scotland Yard inspector (Graham Chapman) attempts to retrieve the joke, aided by the playing of very sombre music on gramophone records and the chanting of laments by fellow policemen to create a depressing atmosphere. The inspector leaves the house with the joke in hand, but also dies from laughter.[2]
The British Army are soon eager to determine «the military potential of the Killer Joke».[3] They test the joke on a rifleman (Terry Jones), who laughs and falls dead on the range. After confirming its “devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards”, they then translate it into German, with each translator working on only one word of the joke for their own safety (one translator saw two words of the joke and had to be hospitalised for several weeks).[2] The German «translation» (in reality mostly just nonsense words) is used for the first time on 8 July 1944 in the Ardennes, causing German soldiers to fall down dead from laughter:
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput![3]
The German version is described as being «over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain’s great pre-war joke»[3] (at this point a newsreel of Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain waving his «piece of paper» appears on screen). The joke is then used in open warfare, with Tommies running through an open field amid artillery fire while shouting the joke at the Germans, who die laughing in response. Afterward, a German field hospital is shown with bandaged German soldiers on stretchers, convulsing with laughter, presumably having heard some parts of the joke. In a subsequent scene, a British officer from the Joke Brigade (Palin) has been taken prisoner and is being interrogated by Gestapo officers. The British officer uses the joke to escape as his German captors die laughing, with one German officer (Cleese) insisting that the joke isn’t funny. He then cracks up and utters a Woody Woodpecker-style laugh, before expiring.
The Germans attempt counter-jokes, but each attempt is found unsuccessful, with unamused Gestapo officers executing the hapless scientists as a consequence. For example, a film is shown of Adolf Hitler supposedly saying, «My dog has no nose», then a German soldier asking «How does he smell?», with Hitler replying, «Awful!». Eventually their best «V-joke» (in reference to the V-1 flying bomb) is attempted on a radio broadcast to British households: «Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der Straße, und von vas assaulted…peanut. Ohohohoho!»[3] Although the joke is followed triumphantly by the German anthem «Deutschland über alles», the attack is ineffective.
The British joke is said to have been laid to rest when «peace broke out» at the end of the war, and countries agree to a joke warfare ban at the Geneva Convention.[3] In 1950, the last copy of the joke is sealed under a monument in the Berkshire countryside, bearing the inscription «To the Unknown Joke». Thus, the English version of the joke is never revealed to the audience.[2]
Hitler footage from the sketch in reality[edit]
The footage of Adolf Hitler is taken from Leni Riefenstahl’s film Triumph of the Will. The section (about 34 minutes into the film) where Konstantin Hierl presents the Reichsarbeitsdienst to Hitler is the source of the speech used for the joke. The first clip shows Hitler saying Insbesondere keiner mehr in Deutschland leben wird… («In particular, no one will live in Germany anymore [without working for their country]»), subtitled «My dog has no nose». The crowd (led by Hitler Youth leader Baldur von Schirach) saying: «How does he smell?» is from a scene just before Hitler’s speech; the original German is Wir sind des Reiches junge Mannschaft!, «We are the Reich’s young men!»[4] The punchline of the joke «Awful» is the next shot that shows Hitler’s face. The original words are eure Schule, from «[The whole nation will go through] your school».
Influence, and other works[edit]
Jim Carrey is a fan of Monty Python. He described how Ernest Scribbler, played by Michael Palin, laughing himself to death in the sketch, had a huge effect on his early years.[5]
The sketch was later remade in a shorter version for the film And Now for Something Completely Different. It is also available on the CD-ROM video game version of the film Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.
See also[edit]
- Death from laughter
- Infinite Jest
- Nothing but Gingerbread Left
References[edit]
- ^ Chapman, Graham; Cleese, John; Gilliam, Terry; Idle, Eric; Jones, Terry; Palin, Michael (1989). Wilmut, Roger (ed.). The Complete Monty Python’s Flying Circus: All the Words, Volume One. New York, New York: Pantheon Books. p. 320 (Appendix). ISBN 0-679-72647-0.
- ^ a b c «Monty Python’s 10 funniest sketches». The Telegraph. Retrieved 9 September 2019.
- ^ a b c d e All the Words: Volume One. pp. 10–14.
- ^ Leni Riefenstahl (1935). Triumph of the Will.
- ^ «Monty Python’s Best Bits (Mostly)». Radio Times. Retrieved 5 September 2019.
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Envelope.
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2 word horror story
Prehensile dong
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence
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Is buttcheeks one word?
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Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.
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What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?
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«… are you in?»
What is the absolute best universal safe word?
«Meatloaf»
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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word «contagious» in a sentence.
Jenny puts her hand up and says «My mum says we should stay home when we’re sick incase we’re contagious.»
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I like big words and I cannot
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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.
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Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words
I said «bad at counting»
Just heard my son speak his first words
where were you the last 14 years
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Smiles
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Why did the US take the «u» out of words like «colour» and «honour»?
Because, fuck you, that’s why
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What’s that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?
Oh yeah, a werehouse
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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.
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The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha…
I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word «Plethora»
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76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
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A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral
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As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.
Six.
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My friend claims there’s no word for excrement produced by male cattle.
I think that’s bullshit.
A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”
Policeman: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.
I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?
This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:
*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting «Boeing Boeing Boeing».
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
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The distressed woman wailed, «Are you sure?»
«Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,» replied the vet.
«How can you be so sure?» she protested. I mean you haven’t done a…
There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say «Excuse my French» after a swear word…
…I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
How old Mildred stopped gossiping.
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Once, she accused a …
Fun fact: «sugar» is the only word in the English language where «su-» makes a «sh» sound. . .
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.
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I prefer «buy none get one free».
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I confused the words Yakuza and jacuzzi.
Now I’m in hot water with the japanese mafia.
My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.
I replied “vague”
He asked, “can you elaborate?”
I said, “yes.”
As a hispanic, my first tattoo was the word “Mucho”
It means a lot to me.
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny «have you ever heard of the word contagious before?»
«Of course miss» Johnny replies «my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday».
«Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?»
«Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over …
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Three words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.
Before he …
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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel
This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary …
What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?
She washed her hands with soap
On my mom’s death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her
I told her … put in a good word for me.
Husband: «Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…»
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): «It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!»
Husband: «What?»
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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.
An out of work pianist with Tourette’s Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’. «Fucking get in there you cunt!» he says to himself and goes to the bar.
<…
i invented a new word!
its called plagiarism
In Italian, the word pizza is feminine
That’s why ordering pizza is referred to as “eating out”
Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword
Then 20 more without the sheath
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Word
During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.
Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men …
My wife screamed, «you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!»
I was taken aback… what a weird way to start a conversation.
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited
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Heavenly Ducks
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I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.
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If your friend wants to say the word «motel» backwards,
letom.
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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got «I love you» tattooed on my penis.
She just shook her head and said, «There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth.»
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Words
There is a great distinction between the words **Guts** and **Balls**…
But few people can tell what the difference between them is.
To clarify:
**GUTS** – Is arriving home late, after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask…
Word of the Bible
Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.
— fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada
Just found out that «Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh» isn’t a real word.
I can’t tell you how angry I am.
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…
I think that’s poor for four.
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Life in a nursing home
An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.
On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without…
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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
«If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?»
Mike replies: «Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.»
The teacher says: «That would be very rude and improper on your part.»
…
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office login, I will find you.
You have my word.
Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, «I know the whole truth» even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo…
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This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.
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So, he said to his new wife, «Honey, I’ll be right back.»
«Where are you going, coochy cooh?» asked the wife.
«I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a b…
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
— “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
— “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
— “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
— “Oh, okay!”
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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder…
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your full name.’
Agatha: ‘Agatha Louise Hewson.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you please state your age’
Agatha: ‘I am 94 years old.’
Defence barrister: ‘Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.’
<…
What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?
Oops!
(Shameless karma farming on cake day)
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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead.»
He shakes his head and thinks «I must have read that wrong.»
He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words «Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It’s Miraculous!»
He decides he has to see this so he pull…
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I
also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..
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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words
He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”
Words cannot describe how beautiful you are..
But numbers can: 2/10
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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland
The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, «I ask you a question, and if you do…
What are the magic words you say to get what you want?
I’m offended
Nine Words
Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.
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Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<…
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were
I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Medellín kids
Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…
It’s the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art….
Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very…
While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow…
He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.
He walks upto the driver’s window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.
The old lady who is driving asks the cop, «Why have you pulled me over, sir?»
…
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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.
The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close…
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
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«Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?»
«NO DAD. It was fuck.»
What is the German word for a bra?
stoppenfromfloppen
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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.
Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a …
Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, «Sara, I’d like to ride in that airplane.»….
Sara always replied, «I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.»
One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, «Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.»
S…
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.
Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
Someone stole my book bag today.
I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other?
Why was the word «spoon» used to describe two people where one is hugging the back of the other? When a «fork» just works the same?
Then I realized «spooning» is the much better word.
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It just dawned on me that the «Honk if You’re Horny» bumper stickers are a play on words regarding honking the car HORN
And not just about having a high sex drive
Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?
Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.
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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.
«That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read.» She scolded. «Have you anything to say for yourself?»
«Just two words, miss,» I replied. «Go fuck yourself.»
I’m shit at maths, too.
Speaking words of wisdom
Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
If you can’t think of a word, say «I forgot the English word for it.»
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A woman was attending her husband’s funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.
The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, «Plethora.» He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, «Thanks. That means a lot.»
Step 1 — fool people into believing you’ve been chosen by God to spread his word
Step 2 — prophet
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Fishing or Sex?
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
The first guy says:
«You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.»
The second g…
What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?
Aunt
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
Proper English
An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He’s about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.
«Dinnae drink oot the river, it’s foo o’ sheep pish!»
The Englishman look…
my son says he’s a small group of words that stand together to convey a concept
Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?
Two sisters inherit the family ranch.
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The older sister says, «I’m going t…
A Nasty Divorce
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste…
Some word can have multiple meanings
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, «Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!» A pastor hears this and asks, «Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'» The boy responds, «Because I caught these fish at the local dam.» The pastor buys a couple fish, takes …
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Since we’re doing little Johnny jokes….
Little Johnny’s teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, «Who would like to share their story?»
Little Johnny’s hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. «Susie, why don’t you go first?»
Susie …
It’s important to develop a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
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Onestone
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, «If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!»
The word got arou…
People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now…
I see why
My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.
Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)
The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it’s started out as a great gig except for one glaring …
Spelling bee judge: «Your word is ‘seaward’.»
Contestant: «C-U-N…»
Judge: «DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP.»
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The word «Boobs» is a three dimensional diagram
The «B» shows how they look from above, the «oo» how they look from the front and the «b» how they look from the side.
Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word «either»
One student insists it’s pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it’s pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. «Teacher, what’s the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?» The teacher blinks and says, «oy-ther will do.»
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Does anybody know what D word is?
It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The teacher of little Johnny’s class asks the pupils if they can use the word ‘beautiful’ in a sentence…
A little boy sticks his hand up.
«Yes, Daniel»
«I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful», says Daniel.
«Very good, Daniel», smiles the teacher, «Anybody else?».
Veronica’s hand goes up. «I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr…
Bad bird
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words,…
A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years
[LONG]
After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’
The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.
After 20 years the head mo…
Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man…
Now they’ll have to pay him 20% more…
A blacksmith said to his new helper, «You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer.»
Those were his last words.
Free
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
«But I paid, don’t you remember?» says the customer.
«Okay,» says the bartender, «If you say you paid, you did.»
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see…
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word «definitely» in a sentence
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher says, «Johnny, that’s not a response to the question I asked.»
Johnny repeats, «Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?»
The teacher gives in and says, «No — fart…
Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?
Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Crocodile.
A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors… He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, …
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We love clever jokes here at LaffGaff and they don’t come any more ingenious than these clever wordplay jokes. We’re sure you’ll enjoy them too; after all, a good sense of humor is a sign you’re in good shape psychologically!
30 Best Play On Word Jokes
Here is a great collection of really clever wordplay jokes. Enjoy!
Armageddon
I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.
I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”
Norwegian Navy
The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships.
So they can scan da navy in.
Big Red Mark
My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.
I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
Brake Fluid
I’ve got a friend who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
English Language
The English language is pretty strange and confusing.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
Cheap Skate
This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.
I thought “What a cheap skate.”
Lost Luggage
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Money In The Bank
I’m addicted to having money in the bank.
I really do suffer from withdrawals.
Restaurant Manager
I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.
Assistant Manager
I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.
It’s shift work.
Chest Hair
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Alphabet Soup
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…
Times new ramen!
Something Cuban
I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.
Clothes, but no cigar.
Blank Screen
My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.
After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on.”
6 Cans Of Sprite
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
Angry Girlfriend
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Solar Eclipse
I tried using a colander to view the solar eclipse yesterday.
I think I’ve strained my eyes.
Full Dictaphone
I have a nagging, paranoid feeling that my dictaphone is close to full capacity.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
Learning Braille
I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.
I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.
History Of Palindromes
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
Tree Planting
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.
To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
Hypnotist
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.
Time Machine
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
At The Bus Stop
A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.
He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”
Crashing App
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly so I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.
It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”
The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”
4D Printer
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?
Just give it time.
Star Wars Sweets
I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.
They’re all chewy.
Half Indian
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.
Ian.
Store Robbery
I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.
I guess that makes me an iWitness.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed this collection of clever wordplay jokes, be sure to check out the rest of the LaffGaff website for lots more funny jokes, including these:
- For the eponymous joke, see Killer Joke. The Monty Python Wiki will not be held responsible for any injury or fatality this action may cause.
«The Funniest Joke in the World» is the most frequent title used to refer to a Monty Python’s Flying Circus comedy sketch, also known by two other phrases that appear within it, «joke warfare» and «killer joke». The premise of the sketch is fatal hilarity: the joke is simply so funny that anyone who reads or hears it promptly dies laughing. It also appears in And Now for Something Completely Different.
Synopsis[]
During World War II, Ernest Scribbler, a British joke writer (Michael Palin), creates the funniest joke in the world and then dies laughing. Ernest Scribbler’s mother (Eric Idle) enters the room shortly thereafter and finds her son dead. Horrified, she carefully takes the crumpled paper from his hand, and reads it, believing it to be a suicide note. She then begins laughing hysterically, falls over the desk (or bed, in the movie version) and dies. A Scotland Yard’s crack inspector (Graham Chapman) retrieves the joke, but despite somber music and the chanting of laments by other officers to create a depressing mood, reads it and also dies laughing.
It is finally given over to the British Army, and after careful testing, the joke is translated into German, to succeed the great pre-war joke, apparently seen held aloft by Neville Chamberlain (in fact the PM returning to the UK with the Munich Agreement). Each word of the joke is translated by a different person — ostensibly because seeing too much of the joke would prove fatal. The narrator (Chapman) adds that one translator accidentally caught a glimpse of two words and was hospitalized for weeks.
The translation is given to British soldiers who do not speak German, because not understanding what they are saying is the only way to survive reading the joke aloud. The joke is used for the first time on 8 July 1944 in the Ardennes by the soldiers, who read the German version aloud «Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!» on the battlefield, and the German soldiers simply fall over dead from laughter.
In the television version, a British soldier (Palin) is captured and forced to tell the joke to the Germans. However, as hearing the joke proves deadly, his captors (John Cleese and Chapman) die laughing and he escapes. The Germans work to produce an equally deadly joke; two Gestapo officers in charge of the «killer joke» effort (Chapman and Terry Jones) are seen shooting scientists who bring in jokes that aren’t funny.
The Germans soon formulate a counter-joke, which is translated into English and played over the radio to London, but with no success. (The joke is: «There were zwei [two] peanuts walking down der strasse [street]. Und one was assaulted… peanut!») Different jokes are used in the television and film versions of the sketch. (In the film version, stock footage of Adolf Hitler is used, making it seem like he’s announcing the joke to his soldiers; the joke is: «My dog has no nose.» «How does it smell?» «Awful!»)
The joke is finally laid to rest when «peace broke out» at the end of the war. All countries agree to a Joke Warfare ban at a «special session of the Geneva convention». The joke is under a monument bearing the inscription «To the Unknown Joke» (as compared with the British Unknown Warrior or the American Unknown Soldier).
And Now For Something Completely Different[]
The scenes with the policeman outside Scribbler’s house, the POW, the «assaulted peanut» counter joke, and the burial of the joke are cut.
Broadcast[]
The sketch appeared in the first episode of the television show Monty Python’s Flying Circus, which was titled «Whither Canada?». The sketch was later remade in a shorter version for the film And Now For Something Completely Different; it is also available on the CD-ROM game of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. The premise had previously been presented in the «Li’l Abner» comic strip.
Trivia[]
Other shows have paid homage to «The Funniest Joke in the World».
In the second Omake Theater skit of Blue Seed, Living Room Theatre, the TAC create a «Funniest Joke» to wipe out their enemies, the Aragami, and bring about a quick end of the series.
If the German version of the joke is typed into Google Translate, it produces, «[FATAL ERROR]».
The clip of Hitler telling his «My dog’s got no nose» joke was taken from Triumph des Willens («Triumph of the Will»), a propaganda film of the 1934 Nazi Party Congress in Nuremberg, directed by Leni Riefenstahl. In the clip, Hitler is addressing the Deutsche Arbeitsfront (German Labor Front). What he actually said translates thusly:
«My dog’s got no nose!» — «And furthermore, no longer will it be the case in Germany…» («Insbesondere keiner mehr in Deutschland leben wird…»)
«How does he smell?» — «We are the Reich’s young manhood!» («Wir sind des Reiches junge Manschaft!»)
«Awful!» — «…your school.» («…Eure Schule.»)
Funniest Joke In The World Revealed! Explains Differences In Cultural Humor
Two million people from 70 countries voted on 40,000 jokes in a 2002 study by Dr Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire and the British Association for the Advancement of Science to find out the funniest joke in the world. Here is the winner:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
Do you find that funny? I didn’t, and I still made myself laugh anyway for good measure. This may seem like an odd behavior, but then the alternative was to frown and I don’t like that. Laughing feel better. To me it doesn’t have to make sense. As it happens (and although redeemed) I am not the only one devoid of that particular sense of humor. The LaughLab team analysed data from the 10 countries that contributed most jokes and listed them in the order of how funny they found them. Germany came top. That was not because Teutonic wit was better but because it was indiscriminate, Dr Wiseman said. Germans found all jokes moderately funny, unlike other nations, where humor could be divided into three broad types (gags that make you feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of difficult situations, or surprise you with incongruity.) People from Britain, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred jokes involving word play:
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
Americans and Canadians liked gags in which there was a sense of superiority, either because a person looked stupid or was made to look stupid:
Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Ok, where are you from, jackass?”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, enjoyed jokes that were surreal, like Dr Wiseman’s favourite:
An alsatian went to a telegram office and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Read the full article at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1409069/Worlds-funniest-joke-unveiled.html
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Top 100 funny jokes
Who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh? We have a collection of short, hilarious jokes you can share with friends, with colleagues at work or at the next family dinner and have them bursting in tears. Read on for 100 of the best jokes you’ve heard in a while.
A young Jewish kid goes up to his Jewish dad and says ” Dad can I borrow $5 dollars”?
The dad is shocked and says “$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for”?
Why do blacks wear white gloves?
So they don’t bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”
Q: What’s the difference between a shopping trolley and a University vice chancellor?
A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it’s only the shopping
trolley that has a mind of its own.
Q. How do you catch a polar bear?
A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear
comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.
Why do Marxists like fruit infusions?
Because all proper tea is theft!
What was born to succeed?
A budgie with a blunt beak.
Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A: You should never press your luck!
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
A: So they don’t get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to
side as they are saying “I don’t know?” whenever you ask them a
question.
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them every Monday.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: I hope it’s mine!!!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
A: The green “Welcome” mat is ripped all to shreds.
Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
A: If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!!
Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what’s on the other side.
Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: How do blondes commit suicide?
A: They put spikes on their shoulder pads.
Q: Why are blondes like turtles?
A: When on their back, their screwed.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a pack of M&M’s and tell her to put them in
alphabetical order.
Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
A: Have all the blonde’s gone home?
Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
A: Have all the blonde’s gone home?
Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: 100 – 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
A: Whiteout all over the screen
Q: How can you tell if she has been back to the computer?
A: Writing on the whiteout.
Q: What’s similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
Blondes?
A: They are all make-believe.
Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First
Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their bras?
A: Tits Go In First
Q: Why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out the W’s!
Q: What do four blondes have in common?
A: Nothing they can think of.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet???
A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game….
Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
A: A dope ring…….
Q: If you have 3 blondes sitting on a couch, how do you know which one
is the cock sucker?
A: The one spitting feathers!
Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: What is red and full of feathers?
A: A fallen angel.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn’t, You get down from a duck.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait ’till autumn.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small round and white it would be an Aspirin.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: What’s big, red and smiley?
A: An inside-out elephant.
Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: “Look, There’s 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.”
Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over
A: Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life
Q:What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs?
A:Take him for a drag.
Q:Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
A:So you can floss after you eat.
One ovarie to another, “Hey, did you order some furniture?” The other one, “No, why?”
-“There’s a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in.”
Why is being a dick not all it’s cracked up to be?
-First of all you have a head but no brains; there’s a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a cunt.
Did you hear about the Greek that left home because he didn’t like the
way he was being reared?
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What’s your name and
address?”
“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
“I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”
“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”
“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…Damn! There goes
another one!”
O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?”
Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”
His friend asked, “Shure, and what d’ye mean by that?”
Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.”
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all ye say there?”
The agent said, “Certainly ye have…Why d’ye ask?”
Replied Murphy, “Cancel the sale…’tis too good to part with.”
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, “When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”
“Really?” the kid said. “Well when he was your age, he was president.”
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people
one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-
speaker system. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating,
“the sound of my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…”
Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely
mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced “I will have
to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I
am gone” And then he repeated the words “the sound of my voice… every word
is a command.” As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord,
landed on his ass, and yelled “SHIT!”.
Some guys are trading increadible stories in a bar when one of them pulls
a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next
he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him
down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately
starts playing the minute waltz.
Upon the insistance of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he
was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore.
Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a
genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted.
“But he must of been hard of hearing” the man said sadly, “’cause he gave me
this twelve-inch pianist!”
“Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
“No, my child. Why do you ask?”
“ Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
A bald man’s retort: “In the beginning God
created all men bald. Later He became ashamed
of some and covered them with hair.”
Your digestive system is your body’s Fun House, whereby food goes
on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
if we felt like it.
On the old “You Bet Your Life” program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
“Why so many children?” Groucho asked. “Well, I love my wife”, the man
answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said “I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while!”
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and
Shoulders” and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
“How do you give shoulders?”
She asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “$35.”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.”
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black
dildo?”
He: “$35.”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one
before…”
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are
your dildos?”
He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you $165.”
She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never
had a plaid one before….”
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
To which the saleman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display
and tells the clerk “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”
“Does he use the ball kind?” enquired the clerk.
“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband’s car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don’t have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: What is 200 metres long and eats cabbage?
A: A Polish meat queue.
Q: Why do Polish police have man-dog teams?
A: Two heads are better than one.
Two Polish policemen are patroling the airport one day, when one points to a
nearby plane on the ground and says to the other: “Look, these planes are so
big and heavy, how do they manage to get off the ground?”. The second
policeman points to a distant airborne plane and answers: “Easy. When they
are up in the air they are very small…”
Right – now there was this man who had just got married and was spending
his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be
the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had
never seen her with no clothes on. As they were both undressing, he
looked up from taking his socks off to notice that she did in fact have
completely huge breasts. He said as much to her, but the poor girl who
had always had a bit of a complex about them got very distraught at this.
So much so that she sent him with a blanket to go and sleep in the
corridor.
The man was pretty upset at this, but not wishing to fuel her anger
further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to sleep
another man came into the corridor to join him. The first man asked
the second why he was out there, to which he replied that he was also
on his wedding night and had never had the pleasure of seeing his new
wife’s body before either. When she was undressing, he had suddenly
exclaimed out loud what an absolutely enormous bum she had got. She
hadn’t really been very impressed with this outburst, and had ordered
him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn’t long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily sauntered
along to join the other two. “What’s wrong with you?” asked the
first, “did you put your foot in it as well?”
“No,” replied the third, “but I bloddy well could have done”
Two prostitutes walking along in the gutter.
Once says to the other “I got picked up by the fuzz this morning”
The other says “That’s nothing, I got picked up by the tits the other night”
Q) What’s blue and sits in the corner?
A) A baby in a plastic bag.
A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR,
which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR.
The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complaints:
“You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!”
Complaints the JAGUAR driver:
“The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!”
Says the LADA driver:
“My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new
one!”
Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver:
“Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?”
Q: What is the difference between LADA and AIDS?
A: You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.
Q. What do you call a LADA with a turbo?
A. A Skoda
Q. How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg?
A. None. It fell down the stairs.
A young mother had just given birth to a new born baby, the nurse was just
congratulating her, when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to
hand.
The mother looked startled. The doctor then said
” Here catch, ”
And promptly tossed the baby to the mother, but it landed on the window
ledge and
fell out the window. The lady shrieked and said,
” You bastard, you’ve killed my baby,”
The doctor replied,
” April Fool, it was dead already”
Q: How do you confuse an Irishman?
A: Give him three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee, or a ragout.
Q: Why do Blondes wash her hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn’t the Blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just dyed her hair.
Q: What do a spider’s web and a blonde have in common?
A: They both end in the undoing of a fly.
Did you hear about the Blonde’s little boy who, while
passing his parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night,
stared in and and said, “And you have the nerve to slap
me for sucking my thumb?”
Q: Why did the man trade in his Blonde wife for a garbage can?
A: Because the garbage can had a smaller opening and it
smelled better.
Q: What is a blonde’s favorite child’s rhyme?
A: Hump Me, Dump Me!
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and an onion?
A: A piece of pussy that brings tears to your eyes.
Q: What happened to the Blonde who went fishing with the Guys?
A: She came back home with a red snapper.
Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A: A golden retreiver!
Your everyday Joke of the Day has some competition!
International researchers examined more than 1,000 jokes (from across the world wide web) and narrowed them down to a list of 50, and then 36,000 people voted.
We love the Joke of the Day and organizations that use the Joke of the Day as a way to create a humor culture, so here are the top 10 funniest jokes ever told that you can use for your Joke of the Day!
10 Funniest Jokes Ever Told – for the Joke of the Day
- (This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
- I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
- Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
- I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
If you want to see the full list of the 50 funniest jokes ever told, check it out here. If you would like more tips and tricks on how to bring clean humor into your workplace, contact us to setup a free Humor Strategy Call.
A mantra goes thus “Once you start laughing, you start healing.” This short mantra briefly tells us how essential jokes are because they are the source of laughter. How do you come up with jokes? Jokes can come in different manners that may range from pets to biblical puns. There are, however, many jokes, and you might find it hard to memorize them.
But, the short jokes you will find below this article are short enough to remember whenever you’re with your friends or trying to make your crush smile. Furthermore, you can also use these funny short jokes to entertain kids.
100 Funny Short Jokes
1. Can someone please shed more light on how my lamp got stolen?
2. Will the cat eat its meal without pulling a stunt? I am not a gymnast instructor, but I know the cartwheel.
3. Why is she called llene? She stands on equal legs.
4. What do you call a gazelle in a lion’s territory? Denzel.
5. Ladies looking for the fruit of the womb, even after having a man, should let that mango!
6. Hummingbirds usually hum when speaking because they don’t know the words to use.
7. How did the bird break into the house? It came with a crow bar!
8. I am tired of the constant ups and downs in my life, so I got to stop using the stairs.
9. Vegetarians don’t always need to purchase their vegetables because their boss also award them with compensatory leave
10. What do bees say when they see an overhyped event? “What’s all the buzz is about.”
11. Tom is the weakest in my class, everyone dared him more than letters
12. What did 1 say to 7? Nice cap!
13. My sign language teacher advised me to practice frequently because her lessons may come in handy
14. I am going to make her love me, my credit score is the only bad thing about me but I’ll make sure I get her a-lone!
15. The path of a con is a difficult maze to understand.
16. How do trees have so many friends? They branch out!
17. The cruelest but funniest thing I’ve ever heard is the doctor telling an amputee he needs more digits for his prosthetic fingers!
18. I gave up on the caring act of telling my friends the dangers of using cotton buds because it always goes in ear and out the other.
19. Three friends can be close one another by being a fan of each other until they experience a misunderstanding that hits the ceiling!
20. An average female is an iron man. I mean, an average Fe-male is an iron man!
Next: 52 Hilarious Jokes
21. I still don’t know why people always get mad at me for acting mean towards average people. I seriously don’t.
22. My kid bro challenged me to a game I once beat him, I remember the pane on his face, I’m still gonna win-though!
23. It’s so romantic how I always feel a hot spot in my chest whenever I tell my wife-hi.
24. I messed up today, I sent a birthday card to my crippled friend where I told him to break a leg. I hope he doesn’t take it literally cos I mean no harm!
Next: 82 Dark Humor Jokes
25. She said she’s met me at the vegan restaurant last week but I’ve never seen herbivore.
26. What do you call an act of investing in Bill Gates’ business? To Investigate!
27. Swallowing food coloring is dangerous because it could make you die from the inside!
28. After working out for several hours.
Gym instructor: you need to keep going to attain more power
Me: watt?!
29. If you know the gravity of your offense you will fall down to you knees.
30. I had a change of heart on my way to get a heart transplant.
Short Jokes: Part 2
31. I am born to be a gymnast with the multiple stunts I pull daily.
32. 50 cent was two steps away from 60 when he was given his meal, why? Because 50 ate.
33. I am glad when I was told the criminal behind the stealing of my sneakers uses a wheelchair, because he can hide but can’t run.
34. My ex said I should get her a birthday gift without expecting anything in return, then I got her a guitar with no string attached to it.
35. I almost forgot what a boomerang was, I’m glad it came back to me!
36. Why would I be laid off from my candle manufacturing company because I refused to work on wick end?
37. What did east say to west? You mustn’t go north when things are going south!
38. Britains don’t know the collective name for spoon, fork and knives. They’d rather call Larry.
39. It’s only right they performed a low-key funeral ceremony for whoever dies while playing the piano!
40. Friend: How did you end up on p#rnhub
Me: I needed to get need to replace the missing pieces of my chessboard!
Next: 91 Funny But Dumb Jokes
41. My friend is so short that using him hurdle race would be an easy walk over.
42. My favorite animal is the tiger. I want to be able to do what the tiger-would do without playing golf.
43. My report card appears so magical because it is filled with elfs.
44. Homo habilis are erect, while Australopithecus are not fully erect because they nervous.
45. No matter how you push the envelope it will not leave its stationery position.
Next: 154 Best Dad Jokes
46. You will hardly find bees working under people because they’re the buzz.
47. It took me three years to find out my sixth grade teacher couldn’t control her pupils because she had lazy eyes.
48. Friend: where is your mask? We are about to rob a bank and you’re going with your face exposed?
Me: that’s why I am on my camouflage jacket.
49. Why is Danny good at all sports? He got athlete foot!
50. Desert jokes always come with sand warm because they always sync in!
Next: 154 Best Dad Jokes
51. Fungi are always invited on road trip because they don’t occupy mush room.
52. Pastries are nitwits, they donut know anything.
53. I won’t leave the house if I was a spider because I can literally do everything thing on web.
54. At what time of day was Adam created by God? Before Eve!
55. I feel the sadness of skeletons because they literally have no body
56. Whenever I’m in need of assistance, I take only lemonaide.
57. What do you call a cow with an award? Coward!
58. Where do cows go during their leisure hours? The moovies!
59. Why do you always find mushrooms in clubs? They are fun guys!
60. What kind of fruit is always sorry for being a prick? Cactus.
Short Jokes: Part 3
61. It took me years to know why balloons don’t listen to pop music.
62. Bees always get on their worst beehavior whenever they see drakes.
63. What color looks sick? Pale colors
64. What is ground beef? A cow with no legs.
65. I would have said a window joke but it comes with pane.
66. Bee-yoncé is bee’s favorite musician.
67. You can find ghost everywhere except the living room.
68. What is a jewelry with micky mouse design called? Carat!
69. What did the scared fruit say to the banana? Don’t go banana.
70. I would have developed my muscles by working out often but it’s a pro thang!
71. Bees have different nationalities. The ones that reside in the United States are called USB.
72. Where do dogs go to replace their docked tail? The reTail store.
73. The relationship status of bees remain “single” until they finally find their honey!
74. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around relationships. What do you propose is the best time for marriage?
75. Birds can also be religious. The cardinal keeps the church running!
76. Where do you go when you need air and peace? I don’t go anywhere, I just plug in my earpiece.
77. What part of the relationship do bees cherish the most?
Honeymoon!
78. I want to say a joke about bees but you better be ready for Impromptu stings.
79. How did trees have so many friends? They branch out.
80. Bees don’t need to visit the salon to have their hair fixed because they have honeycomb.
Next: 100 Science Jokes
81. What is a mockingbird? A rude bird!
82. All my friends found their wives online, I even heard the spider brothers also found their wives on the web.
83. All my sixth grade subjects represent a planet. Although I love the solar system I still find it hard to understand Mars.
84. When you hear two people in space say “Comet me bro,” a fight is about to go down.
85. When a priest holds too much mass, just know he’s about to loss weight.
86. Venus broke up with saturn because she desires for a pluto-nic relationship.
87. I wanted to make a joke about the friends I miss but I don’t want to ketchup.
88. The sun never miss classes to achieve its goal of been the brightest.
89. Astronauts don’t eat three square meals, they only feed at launch time.
90. Why is the sun the most educated? Because it has millions of degrees!
91. What is common between a tornado and a sports car driver? They always go for a spin!
92. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
93. If dolphins were to take part in sport, they will avoid basketball because they fear nets.
94. Dolphins often flipper coin before they make a decision.
95. I just want to let you know that I Noah a guy should in case you need an ark!
96. How does a vampire pay the mortgage? Blood money.
97. Doctor: You’re allergic to milk
Me: No whey?
98. When did humans first start growing weed? During the Stoned Age
99. I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
100. I ordered a book called “How to scam people online” two months ago. It still hasn’t arrived yet.
Best Hilarious Funny Jokes 2023 || 1000+ Hilarious Funny Jokes 2023
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- I am beautiful December 6, 2022
An old teacher asked her student,
“If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.” - young boy came home December 6, 2022
A young boy came home from school and told his mother,
“I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy.” The mother asked, “What did you do?”
The boy replied, “I hit him with my purse!” - anybody’s heart December 6, 2022
Don’t break anybody’s heart; they only have 1.
Break their bones; they have 206. - friend thinks December 6, 2022
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that
makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face. - one hand and 10 oranges December 6, 2022
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands. - February December 6, 2022
Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may. - getting larger December 6, 2022
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball
kept getting larger. Then it hit me. - Envelope December 6, 2022
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope. - father grows December 6, 2022
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.” - crusher December 6, 2022
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing. - fish blush December 6, 2022
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean’s bottom. - 2 cats December 6, 2022
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!” - trust an atom December 6, 2022
Q: Why can’t you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything. - invented knock knock December 6, 2022
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
- bottles in one hand December 6, 2022
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem. - computers eat December 6, 2022
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips! - swordfish say December 6, 2022
What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.
- duck December 6, 2022
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill.” - sounds better December 6, 2022
Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.”
That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning. - orthopedic shoes December 6, 2022
“I stand corrected!”
Said the man in the orthopedic shoes. - men go to hell December 6, 2022
Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can’t do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, “Nope, this one.”
- school kids eat December 6, 2022
Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. - hidden smile December 6, 2022
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,
“Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a
concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted. - left side December 6, 2022
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- getting tired December 6, 2022
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
- leopard December 6, 2022
Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted. - lamb of God December 6, 2022
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
- ball kept December 6, 2022
I was wondering why the ball kept getting
bigger and bigger, and then it hit me. - Great and Winnie December 6, 2022
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie
the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
winnie Hilarious Jokes 2023 - Greek god December 6, 2022
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
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