Forgetting the safe word

What Is a Safe Word and How Does It Work?

Understanding How Safe Words Work

For some people, sex is a physical matter, a question of bodies, touches, sensations. But for many of us, there’s a distinct psychological component. We want sex to have a narrative, for there to be a story, a history, or a dynamic between the participants.

And while that dynamic can often be a positive one, sometimes, that dynamic is extra sexy when it’s a bit more complicated. In the real world, teachers aren’t supposed to seduce their students; doctors aren’t supposed to feel up their patients. But in sexy roleplaying, all the rules can go out the window.

One way that can happen is for the rules of sexual consent to change. That’s the premise of something called consensual non-consent, or CNC, where participants can enact scenes of assault, abuse or even rape in a way that’s consensual and exciting for everyone involved.

RELATED: What Is Sexual Consent?

But regardless of whether you’re familiar with CNC as such, if you do any kind of rough play in bed, it’s not a bad idea to understand safe words — a key component of having a good, healthy, and, well, safe experience. In order to better understand how they work, AskMen spoke to three sex experts about safe words, how to choose a good one, non-verbal forms of safe words, and more. Here’s what they had to say.

What Is a Safe Word?

“A safe word is a word you use to indicate that you’ve reached your limits and you want to stop play,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the “Sex With Dr. Jess” podcast. “When you say your safe word, play partners should stop what they’re doing and check in.”

“In BDSM and kink, the word ‘no’ or ‘stop’ can sometimes be part of the fun, and isn’t always an indication someone really wants to stop,” says Kayla Lords, kink educator and co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “A safe word or gesture is something that doesn’t fit with the scene and reduces confusion about what a person means.”

“Depending on the context, a safe word can be a word, phrase, sound, or even a hand or foot motion,” that is “agreed upon before engaging in sexual activity,” says Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment and creator of the Headero app. “A safe word’s purpose is to signal clearly and unambigously that the person using the safe word no longer feels safe, no longer consents to continue engaging in the sexual engagement or activity, or both.”

However, as Lords notes, “If no safe word is agreed upon, then ‘no’ and ‘stop’ should always be taken seriously.”

Because of their association with rough or kinky sex, safe words may be seen as risqué by some, but Quaderer sees them in a very positive light.

“It’s important to remember that, because safe words exist to ensure safety and consent throughout a sexual engagement, they are actually a gateway to all sorts of exciting, uplifting and joyful sexual adventures,” says Quaderer. “They enable you to explore your interests with your partner(s) in a safe, consenting environment. And realizing that is incredibly liberating! A safe word is a license to get your freak on while knowing that you’re doing right by yourself and your partner(s).”

How Do You Use a Safe Word?

In an ideal world, a safe word would be something that never gets used. Everyone’s sex would unfold exactly the way they wanted it to, and it would never feel unsafe, scary, concerning or even the least bit off. But we don’t live in that world, sadly, and the safe word is like a lifeboat — you don’t want to have to use it, but having one is a lot better than not having one.

“Safe words can be used when something goes wrong — for example, a bondage tie leads to numbness, a sexual position becomes painful — or when a partner has had too much and reached their limit,” says Lords. “They may also be used when something doesn’t feel right, even if the partner using the safe word hopes to continue. They’re most often used by bottom or submissive partners, but tops and dominant partners can also use a safe word.”

“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” says O’Reilly. “Good play partners will pay attention to your safe word and honor your limits. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing or opt to stop playing altogether.”

Lords agrees that safe words “can also give you a moment to pause, adjust, and start the moment over — either by doing something different or simply adjusting your kinky moment or body position.”

“While safe words are most commonly used in BDSM and other kink settings it’s healthy to set a safe word in all sexual engagements, regardless of whether BDSM or kink are part of your anticipated activities,” says Quaderer. “Having a safe word is an important way to ensure that everyone in a given sexual engagement is down with the scene throughout, so it definitely applies to all sexual settings.”

That being said, Lords says, “Safe words aren’t a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”

“Often our partners give off signals that something is wrong — body language, facial expressions, sounds they’re making or lack of noise (if they’re usually verbal during sex or kink),” she explains. “It’s the responsibility of the partner who notices something is wrong (in most cases, the top or dominant) to stop and check in to make sure everything is OK.”

As Lords points out, “‘They never said their safe word’ doesn’t fully absolve a partner of harm, especially If you notice distress and didn’t stop to ask.”

“Safe words are imperfect because it’s easy to forget them when you’re not used to using them, and because there may be an awkward feeling regarding stopping the scene,” she says. “Some people worry they’ll ruin the mood if they use a safe word and try to endure something that’s causing harm — physical, mental, or emotional. There’s no shame in using a safe word, but that’s why check-ins are important. What ruins a mood is finding out one partner was miserable after the fact — or having such a bad experience you never want to do it again.”

Coming Up With Safe Words

Random Words

“Most people pick a word that is easy to remember, but that you wouldn’t usually use during a scene (or any type of sex play),” says O’Reilly. “For example, ‘stop’ might seem like a good safe word, but you may use ‘stop’ as part of your sex play (e.g. in scenes that involve consensual non-consent), so it may not be a good fit.”

As Quaderer puts it, “safe words need to be easily communicated and unlikely to otherwise be used in your sexual engagement.” In short, you want to pick something that will sound out of place or weird during a sexual moment, so it can jar your partner into stopping.

Lords says that words like “elephant, eggplant, or pineapple” are popular; Quaderer suggests “handsome octopus.” Regardless, it should be something that both partners agree will work in context, but as Quaderer says, “Agreeing on a safe word can be a fun and somewhat silly activity for you and your partner(s).”

Still, he says, “If you’re getting into a BDSM scene and one person is going to be gagged, you probably don’t want to choose a long word or phrase — rather a specific vocalization or hand motion might be better. But if that’s the case, make sure you’ve practiced and that your safe word is unmistakable. Consent and safety are far too essential to risk miscommunication or misunderstanding.”

Stoplight System

On the other hand, you could use a traffic light or stoplight system. In this system, O’Reilly says, “Red means stop what you’re doing. Yellow means you’re close to approaching your limits. Green means go — you’re liking and would like a bit more intensity (however you’ve defined this in your pre-play discussions).”

“We use the traffic light method as a system to check-in during BDSM play,” says Lords. “My partner will ask for a color, and my answer tells him how I feel about what we’re doing. This is a good tool to use in addition to simply using ‘red’ as a safe word. Some people forget to use their safe word or they get nervous about their partner’s reaction. Being asked to provide an answer can be a way to prevent mistakes and make it easier for a partner to make the moment stop.”

Safe Gestures

As Lords notes, verbal isn’t the only way to go.

“Sometimes a partner is gagged and can’t speak,” she says. “Sometimes they’re unable to speak or find speech difficult in these moments. A gesture or signal can be used in place of a word. Snapping, stomping feet, dropping an item you were holding are all examples of safe word gestures or signals.”

Again, it’s important to agree on a sign ahead of time, and to have backup ones for contexts where your partner won’t be able to speak and/or may not be able to move certain body parts.

O’Reilly, who also suggests pinching your partner as a possible safe gesture, says “A snap of the fingers may not work in a loud room if your hands are bound behind your back, so you may choose to hold a bell or squeaky toy that is easily audible.”

“You can also agree to a series of codes,” she adds. “(e.g. a thumbs up means increase intensity, pressure, speed, depth whereas, a thumbs down might indicate a desire to decrease the intensity.)”

Extra Safe Word Tips

Practice Using Them in Non-Sexual Contexts

As Lords noted above, someone might hesitate to use a safe word if they’re not used to doing it. So practicing in non-sexual, comfortable contexts can be very useful. As well, she suggests that, “before you get sexy or kinky, remind each other what the safe word is. ‘OK, what’s the safe word?’ ‘It’s [fill in the blank].’”

As well, Lords suggests encouraging each other to use the safe word prior to getting into things, that way it’s fresh in both of your minds.

Check in During Sex

“Check-in with your partner during your kink scene,” says Lords. She says phrases like “‘Does this feel good? Can I keep going?’ or ‘Give me a color’ can all be sexy depending on your tone of voice, if you’re worrying about killing the mood.”

RELATED: Clever Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions

“If a partner asks for a color or checks in and asks how their partner is doing, they should stop if they get no response,” Lords adds. “It might be that their partner is incapable of speech — which means they’re incapable of advocating for themselves or withdrawing consent if necessary. Stop all play/sex until you’re sure they’re able to and want to continue.”

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